We apologize all the time.
We apologize for our feelings
we genuinely reel with the guilt of having put other people through our crap.
It is good to apologize for the things that we have done that have hurt others. The broken hearts, feelings, and objects that lie in the wake…..
apologizing for behaviors though is much different than what we usually do.
We usually are actually apologizing for just being Bipolar, for having an illness.
We apologize that people have to deal with us…listen to us…take care of us…worry about us…be afraid for us
And since we are people who live with Bipolar
It can end up feeling like we are apologizing for our existence.
Apologizing for who we are.
That is not at all accurate
but that is how it can feel…..
There is the kind of apology that means that you feel bad for somebody. This is a lot of what we do.
But then there is the apology that you give when you do something wrong.
we do both and sometimes we get them confused.
……..I feel so bad that you have to deal with my Bipolar.
I’m so sorry that I am Bipolar….
As if we brought it home with us like a stray dog we found and decided we could keep and tame.
As if we had a choice between cherry, vanilla, or Bipolar and we chose Bipolar.
As if it is a dangerous motorcycle we just won’t stop riding
As if it is a mole we just refuse to get removed.
As if we like it somehow
As if we get off on being a pain in the ass for the people we love….
All the time…
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I’m so sorry to bother you now. I’m so sorry you missed or were late for x because of me. I’m so sorry that you’re scared.
I’m so sorry I have to ask you for help….
I’m so sorry that you had to end up being my husband/wife/friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/child/mother/father/sister/brother….
It must suck so bad for you
I wonder why you are still here
How is my good so good it is worth all of this crap?
I am so sick of Bipolar so you must be too.
I want to escape it
Why would you put up with Bipolar if you could leave it?
…….because you love me?
I’m so sorry that you have to love me…..
How can we find a place in ourselves where we can have compassion for the people who love us enough that they endure our Bipolar and yet not crush ourselves with the guilt and weight of it…
What other choice do we have? What do we think we could do instead? Live on an island and just get on with our crazy all alone in some sort of tortuous mind prison?
Do we think we deserve that?
The big problem with Bipolar is that sometimes we DO feel like that is what we deserve.
We might then frustrate the people who are trying so hard to help us and love us. We push them away because we want to free them. And then we cling and grip them too tight. Much tighter than neither we nor they can bear.
Maybe instead of saying I’m sorry that you have to deal with this we could say…
“I really wish you didn’t have to deal with this.”
The other sorry…the sorry of wrongdoing…the crushing internal weight of it, that aching cringe in your heart, the humility…the lowness..the feeling of being such a burden…
when we say I am sorry from this place what we often mean is
I am so sorry that I have failed you…
by having Bipolar disorder…
I am so sorry that I have failed you and that you have to deal with Bipolar…
we have to stop it
It grows that place inside of us that feels like we are making it up and just a problem and all of that crap we have leftover from before our dx and the tumult after our dx. The dx doubting place. The place that just feels like a freak……
we don’t need that. Because we are all trying to grow into a place where we can say matter of factly and unemotionally to the world…
“I have Bipolar disorder. Please help me with this. I need help with that. It is hard sometimes to be a loved one of someone with Bipolar disorder….
but you know what…
I am so fucking worth it.”
But we have to believe it too….
We all know that one of the hard truths of Bipolar is that there will be times when we don’t believe it…at all.
There will be times when we do think we deserve that isolated island mind prison.
I don’t know what we do about that, guys.
I don’t know that there is anything to do about that, guys.
That is just Bipolar.
And that is why I say…
Do you know who deserves a fucking apology???????