People talk about drunk dialing. You know, when you get drunk and then lose all your normal judgement and control and call (text,email) someone and spew all your feelings for them or something like that. Then in the morning you are like “I said whhhaaat?”
Well there is also Bipolar dialing. I think we all understand that. Manic dialing or depressed dialing or I’m kinda okay but having a wack moment dialing. We might unleash a rant of crazy or of raw bleeding emotion. And then we have to be like “I said whhhhhaaaaat?”
Post mania can sometimes be like what happens after a big night partying where you perhaps had a little too much. Then the next day you slowly remember (or are told) about things you did and said. And you are like “I said whhhhaaaaat?”….”I did whhhhhaaaaat??!!!!!!” Cue hands cupped over face and head shaking.
It has a surreal quality to it. There is sort of a disconnect. Especially if you got pretty well up there. You remember doing those things but you also remember how they made sense at the time and since that doesn’t make much sense after the fact the whole thing just kinda spins your brain.
And you have to face the fact that people were indulging you, worrying about you, and possibly lying to you.
You think of all of the grand epiphanies you shared with one and all. All of the advice you gave people…all of the stupid shit you said and did and you just want to hide and never see those people again.
Depending on how high you go it may startle you into believing you really are Bipolar to look back and see how much control you did NOT have over your own self for that time. It is disturbing.
If you are lucky you will also laugh at some of it. And that can help.
We are usually the very first to know when we are getting depressed. We feel those first little drops fall down from the sky and we think “No oh please God No.”
With Mania however, we can be the very last to know. With mania we can be standing out in a down pour, soaking wet. People stand under an awning yelling to us “You’re wet. You’re really wet.” And we yell back, “No, don’t worry. I’m not wet! I’m dryer than I’ve ever been! I am finally getting my life all together!”
Fast forward to the lightening crackling and the thunder booming down on us and our stomach drops as we say “Ooooohhhhhhhh sssshhhhhhhhiiiiiiiitttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!”
If anything, it can just be sooooo embarrassing. But hey it’s a symptom. No shame. It’s just part of the disorder. But it really isn’t fun to realize that there is something so wrong with your brain that you lose control and do some really stupid shit. Like not being able to control your bowels or something. People generally don’t like that kind of feeling.
And when it gets mixed and dysphoric and all of those terms it can get even worse.
We probably all have stuff that is just embarrassing and or amusing and humorous after it is all processed. But probably we all have at least one thing we hold that saddens us and makes our hearts hurt. Some thing we regret terribly. Something no one could laugh at.
And maybe that thing came from a mania, or a depression, or a mixed type thing. But wherever it came from it was a gift from Bipolar. Oh thank you.
Did anybody ever give you the advice, make friends not drinking buddies? Well I think that applies to mania. We don’t want friends who like us because we are fun, because our mania is fun.
We want to have the kind of people around us who care enough to hold our hair back and take our car keys. Even if it pisses us off in the moment.
Oh mania. Stupid blah mania.
It happens to all of us
Take a deep breath and shake it off
Just shake it off