****Trigger warning. It is about to get REAL in here. Like very seriously real. Suicide real. My intention is to protect you but use your discretion ****
(Do yourself a favor and show this one to your loved ones)
There is a lot of talk about ideation and plans and intent and all of that.
But I think that prior to all of that there is one big huge red flag that can lead to our down fall….
Our most dangerous thought
It sounds something like this…
“I. Don’t. Care. I don’t care if it is cyclical and I will feel better again. I don’t care if I experience more good than bad. I don’t care that there are good things in my life.
It. Is. Not. Worth. It.”
“All of this pain and bad is not worth all of the good.”
Why do I think that this is the most dangerous thought?
Well, partly because a lot of the weapons we try to throw at this dragon are thoughts and words like “It will be better again….I have so much to live for…the good stuff is worth it….” We get that from ourselves but it is also what other people try to combat our illness with.
And the farther down we go the worse this can make us feel
Because we may know that these things are true (or Bipolar may tell us that these things are not true)
We just stop caring
That may be horrifying for loved ones to read
It may be horrifying for us to experience
Or it may just have slipped in so matter of factly that we don’t even realize it is a dangerous thought.
I think this thought can be bipolar talking
Along with its fellow Bipolar “I wanna kill you” thoughts…
“Nobody cares about you…everyone would be better off if you weren’t here..”
etc etc etc blah blah shut the fuck up bipolar
But I also do believe that this thought is rational…
That this most dangerous thought is a rational human response to torturous pain.
And that is part of why it is SO dangerous
Because even if we recognize that all of those other thoughts and voices and feelings are symptoms of the Bipolar….
That recognition itself may leave us with this most dangerous thought. Because we realize that Bipolar is always going to be with us. And that Bipolar is hideous.
To relate this to something for the loved ones. Sometimes an elderly person whose body is becoming tortured with pain over and over again may start to feel ready for death, to welcome death. Because life has become so full of pain. Does that make more sense to you nonBipolars?
I am not talking about this to make you feel like you should kill yourself. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
Do you hear me?
I am saying this so you RECOGNIZE when this most dangerous thought enters
So that you can shine a big ass spotlight on it and be like “I see you. You can’t get away from me.”
So that you can maybe get ahold of this before all of the intent crap
So that you can tell someone. Your therapist. Your Pdoc. A loved one. Even if you have no other suicidal thoughts. This one matters
This one is a gateway thought
Telling a loved one (especially if they are new to this) will probably give them a “Holy Shittttttttttttt.” Moment
The loved ones who lurk in here may know what that means…the moment when you realize your Bipolar is in deep trouble.
But tell anyway. Talk about it.
We may want to protect loved ones from this thought.
We may feel like this thought will hurt them
We may feel like it makes us look ungrateful for everything we have
But tell supportive (adult) loved ones anyway.
!!!Loved ones! This thought does not mean that your Bipolar WANTS to die and leave you. Take this admission of the most dangerous thought as a sign of the amount of pain this person is in. Thank them for telling you. Don’t get mad at them. Encourage them to tell you more. Again. And again. And don’t judge.!!!!!!
Ideas that may help with this stupid thought.
Mood chart. This may help you see that you really aren’t depressed ALL the time.
Because often when we are down we feel like we are ALWAYS down.
Journal. Just jot down where you are every couple of days. Good bad..in the middle. So you can remember that the good times are pretty darn good.
Look at pictures. Remember all the times of your life.
Talk to a loved one, ask them to share good memories with you.
I am not your therapist, your Pdoc, your mom, your best friend….
Right this very second that you are reading this you can be sure that there are people who have and who do feel the way you do. Your pain is seen. known. Validated. You are not alone. There are more of us and we are out there beating this shit every day.
You can too.
Here is what I know because I have BEEN THERE and therefore actually know what I am talking about…..
I realize that all of these things that I suggested could backfire
I also realize that they may very well not work. Like rubbing Vaseline on THE Lamictal rash.
I know that when you are in that place. You know the place I am talking about.
There is nothing but holding on.
Nothing but your own grip
With your own fingertips
On that cliff ledge
And I am going to beg you now
To hold on
No matter how much sense it makes to you
There is no choice
Just do it
Just hold on
Just hold on
Don’t look around
Just hold on
Take a deep breath
Close your eyes