You know the old saying idea thing that everyone will let you down?
and the advice that follows is usually crap about being your own best friend and that you can rely on yourself and not let yourself down.
But in Bipolar we feel like we do let ourselves down.
in reality it is our brain that lets us down.
Well no thats not true in actual real reality nothing is letting anything down.
It is just a brain disorder.
But it sure as hell feels like something is screwing us over
and we can anthropomorphize Bipolar into some kind of enemy with intent
but we also blame the heck out of ourselves
all the time
The Bipolar shoulds
rain down hard and heavy
i should have been able to
I should have stopped
i should stop
I should be able to do x
I should go to y
I shouldn’t just lie here
I shouldn’t be acting like this!
What the fuck is wrong with me?!?!
And when we crash out we tend to blame ourselves
and when we remember manic stupidity we tend to blame ourselves
this is a strange physical disorder that has seemingly “psychological” symptoms.
and because many of us spend a very long time dealing with these symptoms but being unaware of the Bipolar….
we get very used to blaming ourselves for everything
How could I..
Why did I…
what did I spend..
What did I do….
what did I say….
Why didn’t I just….
Why can’t I just…
get it together…
other people have it worse….
seriously..how is this hard….
where was my head….
WHAT was I thinking
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
and when we lost our “balance”
back then pre diagnosis
we looked around and within looking for the culprit
How could I do this again?
I was doing soooooooooo welllllllllllll
And now that we know the culprit
the ever present
well…it can be hard/impossible to eradicate that old pattern of thinking…
and Bipolar just doesn’t make sense…it is confusing elusive and delusive and completely totally unfailingly oBNOXIOUS
it sure makes it SEEM like you are one twisted little ball of drama and fuckedupness
yoU say you can’t get up….well just get up
yOu say you can’t calm down…well take a breath and pull it together
You say you can’t stop seeing horrible violent images in your head….well what the fuck just stop it
You say you can’t stop crying…that’s ridiculous you have so much niceness in your life and other people are dying and hungry and homeless
You say you want to hurt yourself….well just don’t right I mean how is it hard?
aND what is this weirdness about not eating and not sleeping and not being able to read or focus or work or go outside or put together a decent outfit…..i’m telling you right now that you need to get your shit together, get over yourself, and start acting like a mature responsible adult.
wHEN put that way it does seem like we SHOULD be able to get some control of it….but those things don’t make it go away…they don’t make it stop…nothing is fixed…
no amount of deep breathing is going to stop mania
no amount of hammering yourself with “other people have real problems” is going to stop depression
no amount of TRYING to stop is going to stop it
There is no emotion or issue or whatever to work through that will make us less Bipolar….
Now we CAN do things to help us ENDURE it until the next time we experience wellness
and we can learn to desensitize emotions and issues that trigger us
there is hope
but this post is about the blame we put on ourselves….sometimes even subconsciously….when we fall of the beam…..or wobble on the beam…..
You are lucky if it has not happened to you….maybe you are 18 or 20 and it hasn’t yet happened to you and it seems very cynical…but it seems pretty inevitable that everyone…..including the people who love you…will let you down. It is just the nature of the whole thing of life…..
It can be painful
and it can be painful when we feel let down by our own brain, our own body, our own minds, our own selves.
and we may feel like we did it….
If only i hadn’t had so much to drink this wouldn’t be happening..
if only i had stuck to my yoga routine…
if only I had oh i don’t know fill in the blank _____________________________
bUT HERE is the thing y’all…
sometimes…well lots of times we do those kinds of things because we are ALREADY in an “episode” or cycling or whatever
other people can do all kinds of shit like that and NEVER have a Bipolar episode…
oh the luxury
we can’t expect ourselves to be able to plug the hole in the dam with our efforts…
do they help and we SHOULD do our very best….well of course
but SHOULD we blame ourselves when the episode comes….OF COURSE NOT
medication can’t plug the hole either…
if the Bipolar wants to come it is going to…
this is not meant to be depressing
this is meant to help you allow yourself to climb down off your own back
give yourself a break
it is a DISORDER not a set a complete set of psychlopedias full of your messed up shit
it is not your fault
you’re not to blame for crashing
all we can do is our best
it is not your fault
i’m going to end this with this awesome quote from bpnurse….
“It’s like being in a race where we have to start a lap behind everyone else, and nobody notices what a miracle it is when we manage to keep up…it’s only when we stumble and fall that we draw attention to ourselves.”
I will add that WE ALSO tend to eXPECT ourselves to catch up with everyone else and BLAME ourselves when we can’t……instead of feeling great about ourselves for EVEN RUNNING AT ALL
So get OFF your back and start PATTING it!
I liked that one