Needing people Sucks I love it

This is probably a part 1 of something because it feels like a very big topic.  But let’s start with feeling stupid shall we? That’s always fun.

Nobody likes to HAVE to rely on other people because they are unable to do life on their own.

But we need people.

It helps to have people.

Not just any people but people to be our life spotters.

People who know us, really like or love us, and know we have Bipolar….and kinda understand Bipolar… of course.

because sometimes..(just sometimes right) we might not know we are in trouble.

We might not even know we are in an episode .

We need some brave souls around us who are willing to step up and say

“um hey…do you think that you may be….”

So that is all nice and good and necessary and warm and fuzzy and I’m not complaining about having loving supportive people around

BUT

it is obnoxious

not to have them

but

it is so insulting to know that you have a disorder that means you need to be under surveillance.  Like Britney Spears or something. Although, actually I guess the jury is still out on whether or not she is one of us. but anyway.

It is just the fact that the people we love are always on the lookout…always vigilant…

they, just like us, are waiting, watching, wondering…

It sucks because it makes you feel like you need to explain and justify all the time…

“No I’m not manic I promise…well I’m as sure as I can be…I’m just happy”

“This isn’t depression I’m just having a hard time with x…..”

and then… do they believe you?…do your assurances quell their fears?

or do they get out their Bipolarnoculars and set up camp to see what happens

sometimes we feel like hiding stuff

even innocuous stuff

so people don’t worry

we feel like we need to yell

“Keep your pants on everybody! I’m just making some jam here!”

“Can’t a girl go to a drum circle without being manic?!?”

sheesh

But I am not at all criticizing them.  I am grateful for people who do that for me.  But it is still a blah gross feeling

like being a child

like not being able to be trusted in this way

like needing to be watched

It is weird to have people know something is wrong with you….and to be able to look for it…or i don’t know I can’t explain this well…later maybe…

When I’m manic I REALLY want to go out.  But I do NOT want to go with friends who know I am Bipolar and have cleaned that shit up before…

That would not be so fun.

See what I am saying?

And then when we do have an inkling that we are heading into something it sucks to have to say it.  There is no cool way to say it.

It isn’t fun and it can feel like

“Hey here I am again with my messed up shit, being a big problem for you. So sorry you have to deal with a Bipolar person. Betcha wish you’d never asked me out…walked into my dorm room…got assigned to my group…”

(I am blessed with a beautiful sister/friend who is unfailingly there for me and because of this almost every time I call her and there is no answer I try to quickly text her “no crisis”. Because I don’t want her to worry for ONE second more than she needs to.)

it can feel like letting them down to realize that we are wobbling/falling

It isn’t fun to admit that you were wrong and you are (or were) in fact manic or depressed and then it sucks even more to hear them say…

“yeah i know”

“i thought so”

“i was wondering..”

and i’m talking the big stuff and the mild stuff here

So i think it is in everyone’s best interest to figure something out with our support people and ourselves.  What is a way we can say it that helps everybody? How do we want them to say it to us?

I have a plan with a couple of people to just send a clean straightforward text…

“I feel kind of manic”

or

“I feel kind of depressed”

or

“I’m not doing well”

Just a simple alert. I don’t expect them to do anything.  I mostly just want to take the onus off of them to wonder if I am or if they should tell me.

Plus, nothing ruins the fun of mania like telling somebody who has been through your mania that you are manic.  It is like eating a stack of pancakes in front of a friend who knows gluten makes you ill.  Ruins the buzz.

That is part of the hiding it thing.  But don’t hide it!

sigh

It sucks feeling infantilized and babysat

it sucks feeling like a

loose cannon

It sucks feeling like such a high maintenance wife/friend/son/sister etc

It sucks knowing that the people in your life have had an extra chore added to their plates

because they (usually unknowingly) let their heart get tangled threaded swathed around a Bipolar

the good ones stay

We all wish it was different

And to be SURE there is shit we do for them 🙂  just sayin

It is all love

Thank God for love

Now I feel myself turning to the fact that many of us do not have people like this…..

this is where a kick ass therapist earns their keep….

They may not love us but they can get to know us very well and they can learn more and more about Bipolar and our own unique Bipolar and become invaluable

and here is another thing….

it takes time to grow the kind of people I described above

support doesn’t just fall out of the sky

just the fact that someone loves you does not mean that they get Bipolar and know what to say or what to look for or what to do or even what the hell Bipolar is…..

sometimes with time and education these people can become the support we need.

and then they can start saying…

“That seems like a lot of shoes…..”

or

“Are you sure you should be drinking that?”

And it can feel infantilizing and annoying

but

really

safe

and that

feels

really

good

3 comments

Add Yours
  1. Leslie

    My husband will sometimes ask me if I’m ok (usually during a depressive episode). My response has become “no, but it’s ok” meaning No, I’m depressed, but I’m not suicidal and it’s nothing you did and there’s nothing you can do, but thank you for asking. It’s our own little shorthand that seems to be working for us.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s