Mixed n’ shit

Once upon a time I wrote a this post about “mixed” episodes.

mixed as in up and down in the same “episode” over and over.

Then there is the agitated depression…dysphoric mania stuff.  Which is horrible.  As you know.

within those states… there is this feeling…

The mixed feeling.  Not the mixed episode

The Mixed Feeling

The one you don’t want

the one that traumatizes us

the one that sends many of us running into diagnosis land

the one that convinces many of us to take the meds

the one that drives home how crazy you are

You know

it is the one where you are literally up and down at the same time….

Like energy through the roof and yet your life force oozes all over the floor….

Like you are strapped into hamster ball

like the whole world has turned into a ghoulish garish nightmare

Like everything is racing but your body has filled with a heavy black tar and you can’t move but you can’t sit still. And the soul aching emotional pain of emptiness and nothingness and yet all sorrow….And Nothing is okay and nothing is anything.  And every single thing in your head hurts…every thought stings.

it can be so physical in nature.  It is your whole body…brain and every cell

And the unrelenting electricity of it all.

I came across the below description of mixed states once and have kept it with me because this person nailed it.

They feel like brain static. Like a Korean horror flick. Like a melty laughing clown face. Like harming myself because it’s fun. Like a roller coaster right before I puke, but I’m still smiling but I’m not.

I don’t feel a great need to say much here. Just a fist bump. You all get it. If you don’t…count your lucky little Bipolar stars.

4 comments

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  1. AndrewS

    Fantastic evocation of the Dread
    Mixed. Dead on. (Yours’ is better.) Energy through the roof and nothing is okay and nothing is anything. And emptiness and nothingness and all sorrow…Strange how much pleasure we take in a fine articulation…after the fact, of course. Next time anyone asks me about this Mixed Beast (not that anyone does or will), I will direct them here 🙂

    Like

    • bipolarfirst

      Thanks!

      “Strange how much pleasure we take in a fine articulation”…….

      Very true. It is therapeutic to hear and therapeutic to write. I suppose it really sends a message of being understood….of a shared experience. Of not being alone with this.

      Because we don’t fight side by side. We fight alone. In our own boxes. Not seeing the others. So when we hear each other describe what we have been through it is deeply comforting. At least for me. 🙂

      Like

      • AndrewS

        Totes, me too. Only discovered bipolar blog world a month ago, but already I feel less alone, and the world more human. — fat cheeked buddha emoji —

        Like

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