Once upon a time I wrote a this post about “mixed” episodes.
mixed as in up and down in the same “episode” over and over.
Then there is the agitated depression…dysphoric mania stuff. Which is horrible. As you know.
within those states… there is this feeling…
The mixed feeling. Not the mixed episode
The Mixed Feeling
The one you don’t want
the one that traumatizes us
the one that sends many of us running into diagnosis land
the one that convinces many of us to take the meds
the one that drives home how crazy you are
it is the one where you are literally up and down at the same time….
Like energy through the roof and yet your life force oozes all over the floor….
Like you are strapped into hamster ball
like the whole world has turned into a ghoulish garish nightmare
Like everything is racing but your body has filled with a heavy black tar and you can’t move but you can’t sit still. And the soul aching emotional pain of emptiness and nothingness and yet all sorrow….And Nothing is okay and nothing is anything. And every single thing in your head hurts…every thought stings.
it can be so physical in nature. It is your whole body…brain and every cell
And the unrelenting electricity of it all.
I came across the below description of mixed states once and have kept it with me because this person nailed it.
They feel like brain static. Like a Korean horror flick. Like a melty laughing clown face. Like harming myself because it’s fun. Like a roller coaster right before I puke, but I’m still smiling but I’m not.
I don’t feel a great need to say much here. Just a fist bump. You all get it. If you don’t…count your lucky little Bipolar stars.