not dead but Free

Sometimes

exhausted

From it all

Even in the light of day

over it

the

dealing and dealing

and holding it all

and trying and trying

and

acting as if

it’s

all

fine

and

The appointments

the meds

refilling and

med cases

and

refilling again

the expectations

and being so misunderstood

being so hidden

the sacrifices

the risks

letting things go

turning away from old pleasures

gripping

and grasping

the smiling through it all

nobody gets it

nobody gets it

nobody gets it

appearing so weak and selfish

having to say no to things

never being able to explain why

the suffocating nature of the stigma and isolation

the doctors

and the days

the fear

and the blogs

the support forums full of pain

nothing easy

pain and pain and pain

the soul shattering numbness

of

forever

and the loved ones who try….

and the loved ones who don’t

the desperate longing to find someone who understands…

to convince a loved one to understand….

begging someone to try to understand

the confusion

the doubt

the unnamable

indescribable

“feelings”

managing

avoiding

obsessing

constantly reevaluating

extrapolating

the advice that damages

the help that hurts

the support that snaps like twigs

the whole internal agony banquet of it all.

and the enormity of what we all face

the horror of what we all go through

the unrelenting nature of the whole thing

Sometimes I just want to put it all in a box and throw it out the castle window

and I want to watch it

fall

fall

fall

fall

and

splASH

into the moat

and then

I feel

free.

free.

Not dead

not at all

Alive

but

.

.

.

.

Free

.

.

.

.

.

3 comments

Add Yours
  1. bipolarfirst

    Hey guys! I don’t want this to make you think I’m not okay. I am. I am great actually. But even when great I can access this place sometimes. Poetic and deep. What can I say? I am Bipolar after all. If you didn’t catch that yet.

    So sorry to be all downer Bipolar today but I thought someone might relate and feel heard and seen…understood.

    Peace

    Like

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