It’s not Personal it’s BIPOLAR..or..You Have No Power Over Me..or..David Bowie is your Bipolar

Yeah I really didn’t know what the title should be.

whatevs

I have residual fear from when I was first Diagnosed and did not know anything about anything and was scared to pieces of what

I

could

lose

.

.

what I could lose if i shared my crazy, my story

what can be taken from you when people

find

out

.

If they found out I had this

THING

this

DISORDER

this

Thing WRONG with me.

.

I didn’t really understand Bipolar.

And I had purposely NOT taken Abnormal Psych in college because, and I quote!….

“It creeps me out”

.

That is right. I literally “skipped the class on Bipolar disorder” because I was too scared of Abnormal Psychology.

That is funny to me.  Should be funny to you too if you read the lesbian post.

.

.

But anyway I have gotten over a lot of that.  A LOT of that.

I don’t really think and feel like that anymore

.

.

and now I realize that when we share our shit…

it is much more likely that we will..

gain

something

than lose something.

.

at least in the right contexts.

.

.

Cause here is the thing….

It’s NOT PERSONAL….IT’S BIPOLAR.

We all have crazy shit in our pasts and presents.  Huge ranges of crazy shit. From chicken nuggets to jail and more.

.

.

And what hurts me is how much SHAME  everybody is carrying…the embarrassment…the guilt…

and how much we suffer from the SHAME of an episode even after the episode has run its course and faded into the mists of time.

.

.

So I am not practicing what I am preaching if I am holding onto the shame and embarrassment.

We stigmatize OURSELVES when we do this.

.

.

Bipolar is not a character defect.

These are symptoms!

Yes of course a lot of it is heart breaking, cringe worthy, embarrassing behavior and we are obviously allowed to feel upset about it.  We need to grieve and heal.

we need time

But let’s take some of that frothing feeding upon itself shame and dump it.

.

.

It is by holding back…by meekly whispering this stuff that we contribute to our OWN stigma.

The stigma we place on our own behavior and I guess

on

each other’s

?

Maybe

.

.

So let’s stop pussy footing around this stuff and just say it.  Who cares?

like Harry Potter saying Voldemort.

Let’s desensitize this stuff a bit.

Let’s say these words

share our stories

admit this shit

like it isn’t

personal

but

just

BIPOLAR

.

.

I totally get that we can’t really do this in public…

yet…?….

but let’s do it in here….

with each other…

with our friends and family….

…in our homes…

and in our OWN heads….

Let’s stop giving these words power by whispering them and choking over them….

Perhaps I am alone but I STILL sort of slow down and hesitate to even say BIPOLAR when I am talking about my Bipolar with a loved one who is obviously fully aware of my Bipolar.  This has gotten somewhat better but still….i dunno

.

.

So here we go…

ready

>
>

BIPOLAR BIPOLAR BIPOLAR BIPOLAR BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPOLAR

>

MANIC MANIC MANIC MANIC MANIA MANIA MANIA MANIA

>

DEPRESSED DEPRESSED DEPRESSED DEPRESSED DEPRESSED DEPRESSED

>

DEEEEEEEEEEEPRESSION DEPRESSION DEPRESSION

>

MENTAL stupid fucking ILLNESS

>

DELUSIONAL DELUSIONAL DELUSIONAL DELUSIONAL DELUSIONAL DELUSIONAL delusIONAL

>

PSYCHIATRIST as in “MY PSYCHIATRIST”  “I have a PSYCHIATRIST!!!!!!!” “Yep. I see a PSYCHIATRIST and you DON’T”

>

HYPERSEXUAL HYPERSEXUAL HYPERSEXUAL HYPERSEXUAL HYPERSsssssssssssEXUAL…………………

>

MEDICATED MEDICATED MEDICATED MEDICATED

>

I am MEDICATED

>

MEDICATION…yes I take MEDICATION.. what for?… FOR BIPOLAR DISORDER!

.Every. SINgle. FUcking. DAY.

>

MOOOOOOOOOOD STABILIZER

>

yeah I take a MOOOOOOOOOOD STABILIZER  (btw what a dumb name)

>

(ready how bout this one?)

.

PSYCHOTIC PSYCHOTIC PSYCHOTIC PSYCHOTIC PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSYCHOTIC

>

PSYCHOSIS PSYCHOSIS PSYCHOSIS PSYCHOSIS psychosis psychosis psychosis

>

ooooooooo CReeeeeepy

(all of the normies who snuck in here just ran away in fear…...its toooooo crazzzzzy. —– (Bite me)

>

PANIC PANIC PANIC ATTACK

>

DYSPHORIC!!!!!!!!     (nobody knows that one actually so they won’t care.  But it sure as shit scares US huh)

>

PARANOIA……..as in yeah I ACTUALLY am afraid that shit might happen

>

and

yes

I

did

that

to

my

self

and

NO

I

DID

NOT

“WANT”

TO

>

>

hospitalized…..no come on you can do it

hospITALIZED….almost

HOSPITALIZED….yay you!

>

and go for it just say it…

.

suicide

.

Suicide

.

SUIcide

.

SUICIde

.

SUICIDE

.

SUIFUCKINGCIDAL

.

because

when we SAY it

when we shine a light on it

when we grab that Bull by its Stigmatizing horns

we are saying….

….

you can’t scare me

you can’t get me

YOU

HAVE

NO

POWER

OVER

ME

I AM not ashamed…

I am NOT alone

and I am

NOT

afraid

.

.

.

.

.

And then maybe next time you need stitches or something and those losers at the urgent care say “And what are you taking these medications for?”

you can look them right in the eyes and say…

confidently

matter of factly

dare I say….proudly (let’s talk about pride later)…

“Bipolar Disorder”

and when they do their little flinch thing

you can smile and say

“Don’t worry! Don’t be scared! I was psychotic yesterday but today I am merely delusional.  So delusional in fact that I thought it was a good idea to come here.”

I can’t help the joke.

You probably shouldn’t say that

but it would be funny

talk about a FLINCH

Humor is my coping mechanism (a therapist called me out on that once..ooo she was a very shitty therapist. That is a story for another time.  I am ruining the end of my piece!)

Humor may not be your coping mechanism so please don’t get offended by my flippancy in the face of the serious.

But you know…

I actually led myself to another point about disempowering these words and Bipolar and all of this shit

for ourselves

Laughing about it…making light of (some) of it….talking about it like it is NORMAL

because in our world crazy IS NORMAL

.

And what is a coping mechanism anyway????

Maybe humor is a fantabulous coping mechanism for coping with being

a discriminated against,

held down,

disrespected,

misunderstood,

stigmatized,

vulnerable,

group of people

in an ignorant

uneducated

misinformed

hostile

judgemental

World

.

.

Who wouldn’t need a coping “mechanism” for that?

.

Whatever people.

Let’s at least get empowered in our own heads.

We won’t ever get anywhere if we can’t first do that.

.

.

.

and that was going to be the powerful ending but I just couldn’t help going and finding this little clip below for you because I am a super dork.  Those of you who know it will be like “Oh I remember this!”

Those of you who do not will be like “this chick literally gets weirder every fuckin day”

but it’s relevant!

and who else is going to serve you up some weird 1980s cult movie with your Rah Rah fight stigma Encouragement post.

.

That’s what I thought.  Nobody.

Stick with me babe.

.

So Jennifer Connelly is you and David Bowie is…suicide, Bipolar, depression, stigma….you name it…whatever floats that boat for ya.

See!

relevant

8 comments

Add Yours
  1. DM

    OMG, I soooo love David Bowie. I just watched, “Labyrinth”, for the umpteenth time the other day, and I was totally rocking the song “Underground” on my iPod a great deal of last week because I was in my wigging, leave me the flock alone, get the heck outta my way mood.

    Yeah, been told too that my humor is a coping mechanism, but at least I got my therapist to laugh her azz off over the years. Heck, maybe I should charge for providing entertainment.

    Great post. Thanks.

    Like

  2. Anonymous

    I almost have no words because everything you said it IT. It’s so hard, it’s so demeaning…

    Thank you. Very cathartic

    Like

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