Yeah I really didn’t know what the title should be.
whatevs
I have residual fear from when I was first Diagnosed and did not know anything about anything and was scared to pieces of what
I
could
lose
.
.
what I could lose if i shared my crazy, my story
what can be taken from you when people
find
out
.
If they found out I had this
THING
this
DISORDER
this
Thing WRONG with me.
.
I didn’t really understand Bipolar.
And I had purposely NOT taken Abnormal Psych in college because, and I quote!….
“It creeps me out”
.
That is right. I literally “skipped the class on Bipolar disorder” because I was too scared of Abnormal Psychology.
That is funny to me. Should be funny to you too if you read the lesbian post.
.
.
But anyway I have gotten over a lot of that. A LOT of that.
I don’t really think and feel like that anymore
.
.
and now I realize that when we share our shit…
it is much more likely that we will..
gain
something
than lose something.
.
at least in the right contexts.
.
.
Cause here is the thing….
It’s NOT PERSONAL….IT’S BIPOLAR.
We all have crazy shit in our pasts and presents. Huge ranges of crazy shit. From chicken nuggets to jail and more.
.
.
And what hurts me is how much SHAME everybody is carrying…the embarrassment…the guilt…
and how much we suffer from the SHAME of an episode even after the episode has run its course and faded into the mists of time.
.
.
So I am not practicing what I am preaching if I am holding onto the shame and embarrassment.
We stigmatize OURSELVES when we do this.
.
.
Bipolar is not a character defect.
These are symptoms!
Yes of course a lot of it is heart breaking, cringe worthy, embarrassing behavior and we are obviously allowed to feel upset about it. We need to grieve and heal.
we need time
But let’s take some of that frothing feeding upon itself shame and dump it.
.
.
It is by holding back…by meekly whispering this stuff that we contribute to our OWN stigma.
The stigma we place on our own behavior and I guess
on
each other’s
?
Maybe
.
.
So let’s stop pussy footing around this stuff and just say it. Who cares?
like Harry Potter saying Voldemort.
Let’s desensitize this stuff a bit.
Let’s say these words
share our stories
admit this shit
like it isn’t
personal
but
just
BIPOLAR
.
.
I totally get that we can’t really do this in public…
yet…?….
but let’s do it in here….
with each other…
with our friends and family….
…in our homes…
and in our OWN heads….
Let’s stop giving these words power by whispering them and choking over them….
Perhaps I am alone but I STILL sort of slow down and hesitate to even say BIPOLAR when I am talking about my Bipolar with a loved one who is obviously fully aware of my Bipolar. This has gotten somewhat better but still….i dunno
.
.
So here we go…
ready
>
>
BIPOLAR BIPOLAR BIPOLAR BIPOLAR BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPOLAR
>
MANIC MANIC MANIC MANIC MANIA MANIA MANIA MANIA
>
DEPRESSED DEPRESSED DEPRESSED DEPRESSED DEPRESSED DEPRESSED
>
DEEEEEEEEEEEPRESSION DEPRESSION DEPRESSION
>
>
DELUSIONAL DELUSIONAL DELUSIONAL DELUSIONAL DELUSIONAL DELUSIONAL delusIONAL
>
PSYCHIATRIST as in “MY PSYCHIATRIST” “I have a PSYCHIATRIST!!!!!!!” “Yep. I see a PSYCHIATRIST and you DON’T”
>
HYPERSEXUAL HYPERSEXUAL HYPERSEXUAL HYPERSEXUAL HYPERSsssssssssssEXUAL…………………
>
MEDICATED MEDICATED MEDICATED MEDICATED
>
I am MEDICATED
>
MEDICATION…yes I take MEDICATION.. what for?… FOR BIPOLAR DISORDER!
.Every. SINgle. FUcking. DAY.
>
MOOOOOOOOOOD STABILIZER
>
yeah I take a MOOOOOOOOOOD STABILIZER (btw what a dumb name)
>
(ready how bout this one?)
.
PSYCHOTIC PSYCHOTIC PSYCHOTIC PSYCHOTIC PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSYCHOTIC
>
PSYCHOSIS PSYCHOSIS PSYCHOSIS PSYCHOSIS psychosis psychosis psychosis
>
ooooooooo CReeeeeepy
(all of the normies who snuck in here just ran away in fear…...its toooooo crazzzzzy. —– (Bite me)
>
PANIC PANIC PANIC ATTACK
>
DYSPHORIC!!!!!!!! (nobody knows that one actually so they won’t care. But it sure as shit scares US huh)
>
PARANOIA……..as in yeah I ACTUALLY am afraid that shit might happen
>
and
yes
I
did
that
to
my
self
and
NO
I
DID
NOT
“WANT”
TO
>
>
hospitalized…..no come on you can do it
hospITALIZED….almost
HOSPITALIZED….yay you!
>
and go for it just say it…
.
suicide
.
Suicide
.
SUIcide
.
SUICIde
.
SUICIDE
.
SUIFUCKINGCIDAL
.
because
when we SAY it
when we shine a light on it
when we grab that Bull by its Stigmatizing horns
we are saying….
….
you can’t scare me
you can’t get me
YOU
HAVE
NO
POWER
OVER
ME
I AM not ashamed…
I am NOT alone
and I am
NOT
afraid
.
.
.
.
.
And then maybe next time you need stitches or something and those losers at the urgent care say “And what are you taking these medications for?”
you can look them right in the eyes and say…
confidently
matter of factly
dare I say….proudly (let’s talk about pride later)…
“Bipolar Disorder”
and when they do their little flinch thing
you can smile and say
“Don’t worry! Don’t be scared! I was psychotic yesterday but today I am merely delusional. So delusional in fact that I thought it was a good idea to come here.”
I can’t help the joke.
You probably shouldn’t say that
but it would be funny
talk about a FLINCH
Humor is my coping mechanism (a therapist called me out on that once..ooo she was a very shitty therapist. That is a story for another time. I am ruining the end of my piece!)
Humor may not be your coping mechanism so please don’t get offended by my flippancy in the face of the serious.
But you know…
I actually led myself to another point about disempowering these words and Bipolar and all of this shit
for ourselves
Laughing about it…making light of (some) of it….talking about it like it is NORMAL
because in our world crazy IS NORMAL
.
And what is a coping mechanism anyway????
Maybe humor is a fantabulous coping mechanism for coping with being
a discriminated against,
held down,
disrespected,
misunderstood,
stigmatized,
vulnerable,
group of people
in an ignorant
uneducated
misinformed
hostile
judgemental
World
.
.
Who wouldn’t need a coping “mechanism” for that?
.
Whatever people.
Let’s at least get empowered in our own heads.
We won’t ever get anywhere if we can’t first do that.
.
.
.
and that was going to be the powerful ending but I just couldn’t help going and finding this little clip below for you because I am a super dork. Those of you who know it will be like “Oh I remember this!”
Those of you who do not will be like “this chick literally gets weirder every fuckin day”
but it’s relevant!
and who else is going to serve you up some weird 1980s cult movie with your Rah Rah fight stigma Encouragement post.
.
That’s what I thought. Nobody.
Stick with me babe.
.
So Jennifer Connelly is you and David Bowie is…suicide, Bipolar, depression, stigma….you name it…whatever floats that boat for ya.
See!
relevant
Haha. Sing it girl! You make my laugh. (In the good way.)
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OMG, I soooo love David Bowie. I just watched, “Labyrinth”, for the umpteenth time the other day, and I was totally rocking the song “Underground” on my iPod a great deal of last week because I was in my wigging, leave me the flock alone, get the heck outta my way mood.
Yeah, been told too that my humor is a coping mechanism, but at least I got my therapist to laugh her azz off over the years. Heck, maybe I should charge for providing entertainment.
Great post. Thanks.
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I know. I can’t have a therapist who doesn’t have a sense of humor. I also can’t have one who is dumb. Ooops did I say that?
My fave is Dance Magic 🙂
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Why can’t we just say this shit? Why can’t we just be who we ARE?
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This was strangely motivational, thank you.
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HA! GOOD i’m so glad. Thank you!
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I almost have no words because everything you said it IT. It’s so hard, it’s so demeaning…
Thank you. Very cathartic
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Omg Wow. Thank you. I am so so so glad that it meant something to you. Truly.
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