okay I really want to get this post out. it has not happened yet because i had the Fight anyway piece that I wanted to get out and then I was being silly and now I just lost the post I was writing and I am really annoyed so I am going to just get this out in the next 7 minutes because I have to take some melatonin and go to sleep. Ya know that sleep thing we’re all so worked up about.
So if anyone sees a typo go ahead and report it up under the language page or something. Thanks that’d be swell.
Anyway this was supposed to be my Come back to blogging post but I am sure most of you have realized that I didn’t actually stop. I like to talk that much apparently. But there was some thought processing going on and I would just like to share and then maybe remove that other post and move on with life as this is a blog about Bipolar disorder.
Let me say what an interesting week for learning about the realities of the internet it has been. First for Therese and then here with me. The internet is just wack.
But we wouldn’t be here without it. The good and bad of all.
Every comment you guys left meant something to me and of course encouraged me to write….also somehow the streams of hits coming in read to my mind as support in some sort of way.
And then to have an organized little piece I will talk about four people who made me realize I needed to keep going.
First, a Bipolar friend of mine said something to me like it would be a shame if you stopped because there isn’t anything else like this.
so i had to sigh and think hmmm maybe I shouldn’t stop.
Second, a lovely person who has supported me from the beginning even though it is not his Bipolar he struggles with was once again angelic enough to share with me how much my blog has meant to him.
again…hard …to turn away…hmmmm I guess…
Third. My husband. My husband is the most stoic, steady, unemotional human you ever met in your life. Things are simple to him. So when I was all upset and feeling like I should just stop we had this conversation.
me- “What should I do?”
him- (as if this is a silly question) “Just keep doing what you’re doing”
me- “but why? ”
him- “You’re happy. You make people happy.”
me- “but what about all of the creepy shitty people in the world.”
him- “They don’t matter.”
me- staring in awe at the genius I married.
Exactly right. They don’t matter
THEY DON’T MATTER
The world is full of them. We all know that. But
You want to know what does matter…..????
You know who you are.
You, the ones who I have names for……(I was going to list them off but thought maybe that was too weird)
and those of you out there reading who just know that I am seeing you.
and you know what matters?
Love and Laughter and Humor..Silliness
laughing at our illness
crying together about our illness
Making light of it
hitting into the deepest heaviest parts of it….in a way that exposes them to light…a relief
and the Honesty…the truth….the rawness
helping one heart out there hurt just one pang less
just feel a touch less isolated
I have said it before and I’ll probably keep saying it…
Bipolar is hard. The journey through Bipolar…from pre diagnosis episodes and suffering to diagnosis and confusion and doubting and trying to understand it and trying to believe it and okay then actually accepting it but being swamped with questions and doubts and confusions…..
I didn’t like any of that. That part sucked.
I am writing this so that some one out there can avoid some of that.
I am writing this as if I am writing to my younger self.
I am writing this as if a dear person to me was diagnosed with Bipolar. What would I say? What would I want them to know? What would we talk about?
And I am writing this so that a hurting Bipolar out there can enter “bipolar I feel so alone misunderstood no one gets it” into the search bar….and they can land here.
Oh I thought that was the end but I forgot the Fourth person who inspired me to keep going…that person is….
I know i know..how Oprah is that? But seriously.
Remember when Therese got accused of causing someone’s suicide and she had a very different reason than I did for wanting to close it all off but some of the feelings are similar.
And do you remember that some awesome little lady wrote this piece discussing this issue and standing up for Therese and fighting for us all to be able to share our voices and be brave. And she even thanked me on her site….which was amazing for me. I would never have thought five years ago when I sat in a depressive stupor reading her blog EVERYDAY that someday I would have a blog and that she would even know about it. That is just so crazy to me. So yeah. mmmmHmmmm.
If you are new here..I wrote it. hehe.
And I couldn’t help but feel like I needed to take some of my own advice.
I kept thinking of this part
And as I post and post and put it all out there with completely pure intentions and a profoundly felt desire to help my community….I think of Therese.
I think of how brave she is.
I think of how she spoke of the hate mail and how it would hurt her.
I think about how she didn’t give up.
I think about how she even started a foundation.
While all the time risking being triggered because I am sure hate mail is a huge trigger.
And I really kept thinking of this…That we are brave because of what can happen……
Whatever the world
Is going to
Throw at us
For taking off the veil
For coming out of hiding in our own small way
By taking up our own little corner of the Internet, and picking up our key boards
To save others like us
To show the world
It never occurred to me that just about 5 days later I would get something thrown at me.
I was thinking more about stigma. But with both the Therese situation (I think) and mine it came from insiders.
Part of putting yourself out there and saying stuff involves risks of being scapegoated and also for women there is just always going to be misogyny.
So there you have it. The post that just days ago I wrote for Therese, became the post that made me keep going too.
Funny how life works.
It truly is
Okay so now we can be done with this.
pEACE AND loVE