I wrote this previously and then it turned into the Fight Anyway piece once I got to the end and was just toooooo long. But here is this part.
Everybody has red flag thoughts that pop in and alert to danger ahead…
Also there are those thoughts that come in through the channels of depression.
Thoughts that may usually be blocked out are given a friendly welcome when depression comes aknockin.
It seems that for many of us one (just one as there are tons) is….
Nobody cares about me.
I find this very interesting.
It would seem….and I have had it told to me by therapists and friends…that this is an obvious
That this is one of those ones that you therapize…that you work through…that you get over.
And that is a nice idea
And probably lots of us have reasons in our lives for accumulating baggage like that…. you know…being humans and all.
And it seems that we actually DO often succeed in getting over these psychological issues.
And that we can desensitize those sorts of triggers related to this.
But here is what I am seeing…
This thought….which is more than a thought right….
is tied to a depression brain
A product of a brain tipped downwards
I wonder why this is
I wonder why this thought is so prevalent.
Perhaps because depression is all about the brain just malfunctioning on itself…turning everything inside out…
All of the normal natural parts of being a person…like wanting to be alive, not wanting to get hurt, and the like are reversed in a startling way.
And the inside out depressed brain seems happy to trot out in front of you all of the WORST parts of life…the darkness of the world…the evil in humanity ….the fragile nature of everything good…death…and heart break.
So it makes sense that one of its best tools to use against us would be this most painful of human experiences…
“Nobody cares about me”
In my book learnin days I learned that nothing hurts a child’s emotional development more than abandonment by the parent.
It is some primal need…fear…
So there we….. go when we fall down into that cesspool of darkness and negativity our brain somehow delights in this most frightening and painful event.
Nobody cares about me
I mean nothing to anyone
Add in a little Bipolar paranoia now
Everyone is just pretending they like me
Now stir up the Bipolar guilt feelings and pour them in…
I am just a burden to everyone…everyone is just putting up with me…
Nobody cares about me
And one reason I think that this is one of Bipolar Depression’s favorite weapons to use against us is because it leads so seamlessly to it’s ultimate end goal…
Because once a person is sold so completely on the idea that no one cares about them….
Reasons for existing start to vanish
And then when that is combined with feeling like a huge burden
(and the indescribable pain)
The path has been paved
And to the delight of Bipolar depression
The next thoughts become
It would be better if I just didn’t exist anymore…..
Every thought marble (no matter how hard you try) falls into that rut that runs all the way past all of those awesome thoughts…
i hate my life…
everything is meaningless..
i’m a burden..
i can’t do this forever
nobody cares about me
and right into the goalie’s net
I should just die
SCORE for Bipolar
I never thought about it like this until just now so I don’t really have much more to say.
As with everything …awareness is a major key.
Maybe when we feel this we can sort of try to reach this awareness through all that going on inside the head and heart.
But as I said here
awareness may protect us in ways but awareness can’t stop the pain
so we just go back
to that crux of this all
that little (big?) thread through this blog
the one where I say over and over I’m not like your friends and therapists and significant others…
I’ve been there and I get it
and I’m not going to tell you that there is anything in that deep darkness that can save you
And if you feel annoyed by me saying that
and are right now saying to yourself (or I guess Bipolar maybe telling you..)
“I’m not that strong. I can’t do this.”
1. Go read more of my blog
2. I am sorry but you have no choice but to be strong.
choice just doesn’t exist. Erase it from your mind
even if it sticks in your brain.
keep saying it
my only choice is to be strong
and from here it turned into Fight Anyway