Nobody CARES about me

I wrote this previously and then it turned into the Fight Anyway piece once I got to the end and was just toooooo long.  But here is this part.

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Everybody has red flag thoughts that pop in and alert to danger ahead…

Also there are those thoughts that come in through the channels of depression.

Thoughts that may usually be blocked out are given a friendly welcome when depression comes aknockin.

It seems that for many of us one (just one as there are tons) is….

Nobody cares about me.

I find this very interesting.

It would seem….and I have had it told to me by therapists and friends…that this is an obvious

Psychological issue.

That this is one of those ones that you therapize…that you work through…that you get over.

And that is a nice idea

And probably lots of us have reasons in our lives for accumulating baggage like that…. you know…being humans and all.

And it seems that we actually DO often succeed in getting over these psychological issues.

And that we can desensitize those sorts of triggers related to this.

But here is what I am seeing…

This thought….which is more than a thought right….

is tied to a depression brain

A symptom

A product of a brain tipped downwards

I wonder why this is

I wonder why this thought is so prevalent.

Perhaps because depression is all about the brain just malfunctioning on itself…turning everything inside out…

All of the normal natural parts of being a person…like wanting to be alive, not wanting to get hurt, and the like are reversed in a startling way.

And the inside out depressed brain seems happy to trot out in front of you all of the WORST parts of life…the darkness of the world…the evil in humanity ….the fragile nature of everything good…death…and heart break.

So it makes sense that one of its best tools to use against us would be this most painful of human experiences…

“Nobody cares about me”

In essence

Abandonment

In my book learnin days I learned that nothing hurts a child’s emotional development more than abandonment by the parent.

It is some primal need…fear…

So there we….. go when we fall down into that cesspool of darkness and negativity our brain somehow delights in this most frightening and painful event.

Nobody cares about me
I mean nothing to anyone

Add in a little Bipolar paranoia now

Everyone is just pretending they like me

Now stir up the Bipolar guilt feelings and pour them in…

I am just a burden to everyone…everyone is just putting up with me…

Nobody cares about me

And one reason I think that this is one of Bipolar Depression’s favorite weapons to use against us is because it leads so seamlessly to it’s ultimate end goal…

our destruction

Because once a person is sold so completely on the idea that no one cares about them….

Reasons for existing start to vanish

And then when that is combined with feeling like a huge burden

(and the indescribable pain)

The path has been paved

And to the delight of Bipolar depression

The next thoughts become

It would be better if I just didn’t exist anymore…..

.

Every thought marble (no matter how hard you try) falls into that rut that runs all the way past all of those awesome thoughts…

you’re stupid..

i hate my life…

everything is meaningless..

you’re ugly…

i’m a burden..

i can’t do this forever

nobody cares about me

.

and right into the goalie’s net

.

.

I should just die

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SCORE for Bipolar

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I never thought about it like this until just now so I don’t really have much more to say.

As with everything …awareness is a major key.

Maybe when we feel this we can sort of try to reach this awareness through all that going on inside the head and heart.

But as I said here

awareness may protect us in ways but awareness can’t stop the pain

so we just go back

to that crux of this all

that little (big?) thread through this blog

the one where I say over and over I’m not like your friends and therapists and significant others…

I’ve been there and I get it

and I’m not going to tell you that there is anything in that deep darkness that can save you

except

your

own

strength

.

And if you feel annoyed by me saying that

and are right now saying to yourself (or I guess Bipolar maybe telling you..)

“I’m not that strong. I can’t do this.”

Then

1. Go read more of my blog

and

2.  I am sorry but you have no choice but to be strong.

.

choice just doesn’t exist. Erase it from your mind

even if it sticks in your brain.

keep saying it

my only choice is to be strong

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and from here it turned into Fight Anyway

9 comments

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  1. bpnurse

    You have such a way with words, and once again you nailed it on the subject of bipolar depression. I love your work on this blog…it comes from your heart and soul.

    Like

  2. Sandra

    Interesting reading this on the heels of calling a counsellor so I can get help dealing with these exact thoughts. The intake therapist said, “We can give you the tools to deal with your mood disorder!” I don’t need the tools. Clearly I’m still alive so I already have them. I just need help fighting through them without experiencing such agonizing pain. So, yeah. Anyone know a good psychologist/counsellor/whatever who can actually understand bipolar and not have a tool box by their side.

    Like

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