(This is not actually a post about cutting.)
This is a post about Bipolar and destruction and the reverse of the natural state.
I bring it up as “self harm”
I feel that “self harm” is another one of those things that we are SO judged for.
Just another thing that isn’t how it sounds…
I just think that it conjures up for people the idea of crazy people being stupid for attention.
Like they are thinking what kind of sicko would “WANT” to do that to themselves?
And to be fair it does sound really fucking weird.
and ya know what
it FEELS really fucking weird to think like this!
I think this concept though is SO misunderstood by us and them and I think it goes way beyond cutting.
Way beyond “self harm”
In fact I don’t actually even think it is oNE concept at all.
First I want to point out that complete override of the natural human brain thought processes thing again.
That Bipolar does this to us…that this happens in our brains.
We human animals are supposed to WANT to survive.
We are supposed to want to avoid pain
and we are supposed to want to avoid situations which would put us at risk for these things….
Bipolar flip flops these things into themselves.
It is a wonder that these Bipolar genes have survived. You would think this would be kind of an evolutionary deal breaker.
The first kind of self harm I think of is kind of the run of the mill understanding of it….
It is that need to get something external to counter the internal…
to produce rather than be acted upon…
to be active rather than passive in the face of it..
to do SOMEthing ANYthing to release some of whatever the hell it is that is inside.
In this way self harm for me occupies the same plane as art……
I know right
I will say right now that I have no experience with cutting and therefore am not going to touch it.
As I said though…these ideas go beyond it…..
There are other forms of “harm”.
I feel like I am being compelled here to share shit in order to make my point better.
This is complicated and not as simple as just this. But for me…purging is a form of THIS kind of self harm.
It is an embarrassingly obvious attempt to get something out.
I mean seriously…
For me there was never binging.
Just this genius idea.
And as I said…I feel purging and painting live in the same place in me.
I have not purged in a decade.
I have a lot of paintings.
Art is a purge.
What can I say?
And all of this writing we do seems to be as well….
Get it OUT!
Get it on paper…
get it onto the screen
get it into some else’s ears…
But Okay….That is one way to look at self harm….
as this sort of “expression”…
as an attempt to gain some “control’….
an attempt to match something on the outside to something on this inside…
But what about the other “Self Harm”…?
The one that is actually Bipolar wanting to kill you.
The one that has nothing to do with you and your control and your feelings and your trying…
This is the one that is all about Bipolar trying to break you.
Bipolar wants to destroy us but it wants to make it look as if it was done by our OWN hand.
It does not feel like YOU “want” to hurt yourself……
It feels like there is something other in you that wants you dead.
And that is the weirdest feeling EVER.
Am I right or am I right?
And not only does it want you dead but it also wants you to destroy….
on the way
And I don’t know that Bipolar gives a fuck HOW you do that.
Bipolar is a very creative beast in this regard and is willing to offer up all kinds of fabulous suggestions.
And the deeper you get
and the more pain that you feel
the harder and harder it becomes to realize what is happening…
the harder and harder it gets to
that it is happening.
Score for Bipolar.
Because once the invasion has spread to your WILL….
you waver in your ability to fight.
The term “self destruct” comes to mind.
But I don’t like it.
It implies somehow that there is something in the SELF that wants to destroy and be destroyed.
And this is so far from the truth of it.
It is not the SELF that wants to destruct and it is not the SELF that wants to harm.
The ways in which Bipolar can do this to us are myriad and individual.
and sometimes not the expected or the obvious.
Most involve just not caring about ourselves…..
wE stop caring about eating
or about what we are eating
we lose both the ability and the will to take basic care of things…showering…refilling the soap dispenser doing the laundry (oh fuck the stupid laundry!!!)
if we suffer from other conditions in addition to the Bipolar we may lose the motivation to deal appropriately with them.
You stop thinking ANYthing through…….
become your mantras
“I’ll just stay up a little more…”
“Sure I’ll go…..”
“I’ll have another one…yeah its fine”
Hitting the door of a party with the intent to trash yourself as hard as possible. Also very obviously fits in here.
smoking as hard as you can…(while it can be self medicating) may also fit in here.
as do other drugs
In my own dorky way this can even manifest as
“What the fuck I will eat the pizza that has been sitting out for hours. Who cares. I just wanna die anyway.”
sigh eye roll headshake
And all of these things seem like small offerings to Bipolar
because they don’t come close to satisfying Bipolar.
We feel the constant pull….the powerful undertow of Bipolar….
pulling us toward destruction….
as if it won’t be happy…won’t rest…won’t stop
until we are face down in some gutter
or something equally repulsive and shaming.
There are so many ways Bipolar sneaks into every crevice and fills us with that most dangerous and potent combination……
Pain AND Apathy
Because it knows that when those two things are combined…
hard enough…for long enough
It has a victory at hand.
And this is where I will admit to you that my purging was ALSO a part of this second idea of Self Harm….
The Bipolar wants me to destroy myself part
Because it seems like a great way to be hurt…
a great way to damage your body
and for some reason
that feels good
when you are in the throws of this horrible Bipolarness.
Yeah I said it
The awareness that you are harming yourself feels “good”…
and that is FUCKED UP guys
And we ALL KNOW IT
And people Act Like we are all Crazy and Fucked up and just not trying to “help ourselves”
or are “making it worse”
or “wanting attention”
and all of that
and it is like
I DON’T WANT IT TO FEEL GOOD
I don’t “want” it at all.
I don’t want any of this.
But it is happening anyway.
Anybody know One Republic’s song Counting Stars….
“I feel something so right doing the wrong thing.
I feel something so wrong doing the right thing.
I could lie, couldn’t I, couldn’t I.
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive.”
No. we don’t ask for this. It is another symptom of Bipolar.
Another hideous thing to deal with
to hold up against
while everyone around you
And here is the thing…
The fact that it feels good to harm yourself feels horrible.
Bipolar what have you done?
I want to whip this around and pull it together to be empowering and encouraging at the end and perhaps it is super immature but the only thing I’ve got in my mind right now is..
FUCK YOU BIPOLAR!
I mean really.
You guys understand
When you’ve been through this shit….
Awareness. it always comes back to awareness right.
This isn’t meant to be depressing.
This is supposed to shine that little light again so that maybe it can stream through that Bipolar clouded brain and you can think….
“Fuck you Bipolar maybe I WILL eat lunch….how do you like that Bitch?”
and while you’re at it maybe…
“No! you know what, Bipolar….I think two beers IS ENOUGH. So why don’t you get the hell out of here.”
“Watch this, Bipolar! I’m going to take my PRN and a shit ton of melatonin and I am GOING TO BED!”
I think that is important.
We can’t fight it if we can’t see what it is doing to us.
and over and over I think that awareness is what saves us.
…you hear that voice behind you…”You’re a loser…everything is stupid..it would be better if you were dead….you can’t handle this can you…why don’t you go do………..”.
smack it away and say
“Bipolar! Get out of here you little shit!”
So yeah. “self harm”
interesting little term
a loaded little term
an inaccurate little term
people have immediate reactions to it.
persevering in the face of ignorant judgment is sort of in our wheel house.
we rock that shit