This is a little thought handle I use for myself and thought might interest some of you.
We all know that mania and depression are not just mania and depression. They are complex and varied and there are a lot of different manias and a lot of different depressions.
And they all mix with each other.
Whew. No wonder we’re confused.
And then there is that question of where the heck that line is between hypomania and mania.
But maybe I should actually explain them now.
I see three main colors for my Manias. They obviously mix. I will go through them now because it is fun. Feel free to use them for describing your own Bipolar if you want just toss me some cred…and maybe they don’t jive for you because we all have different Bipolar. Let’s see shall we?
this is the good stuff.
this is the bliss…the light… the purity.
this is the all knowingness…the connectedness…
the being all encompassed by a force of love and magic
it just feels good.
if it does not than it is not white mania
or at least not pure white mania
pure white mania is our compensation prize.
Click here for a post that describes this feeling more.
Then there is
this is the hot fast sexy stuff
the can’t sit still agitated buzzy discomfort
the longing to go anywhere be anywhere else…
this is that partier who can’t get enough and is never satisfied
this is that pervasive sensuality
and fiery irritably.
Red mania can actually start out feeling good….
high expansive free powerful….
like the beginning of a night of partying out on the town…
when your make up is fresh and you are excited to be out to be ALIVE
and then somewhere during the night/episode it starts to wear you out..
you smell…you’re tired…you’re over it…and you think I’d really rather be home on my couch with some ice cream….
that’s kind of like Red Mania except that….you can’t go home…
you are exhausted, disgusted, over it, uncomfortable
but your brain and body won’t stop.
like a roller coaster ride that started out exciting but is now making you feel sick but
YOU CAN’T GET OFF THE RIDE
and this my normies who are listening
feels like hell.
I mean imagine being at some huge packed club with music blaring and loud and raucous with no place to sit and just wanting to be home and your clothes are so uncomfortable and the bathrooms are disgusting and people are around you are drunk and drugged and seedy and lascivious and you are dying to be home….home…….
but you can’t get out….
you don’t know how to get home.
Add in not knowing why you feel like that…..
See how BIPOLAR SUCKS
I haven’t even been in club for about 500 years and that made my skin crawl.
And I feel like sometimes we keep going…keep chasing the release and relief we think will come if we can just SATISFY this insane sensation….
I think that sometimes it is precisely our determination to satisfy Red Mania that leads to our destruction.
Score for Bipolar. It really is SO crafty
Especially, because then it also can replay for you during depression all of the stupid shit things you did while Red Manic.
what a fabulous little system.
Bipolar is a genius
this is the bad stuff.
there is NOTHING good in Black Mania
nothing feels good about Black Mania
if it does it is not pure Black Mania
this is the fear…the terror…
the creepy weirdness
the feelings of other…
this is where psychosis gets its bad bad name.
and this isn’t a continuum….like one is lighter lesser Mania and one is more and deeper mania.
These are all three manias unto themselves.
They can be their own less and more…light and deep.
As in you can be chest deep in white mania until you go to the hospital or just living in a low level Black Mania for months.
just like we can have a Mixed Episode. I believe we can also have Mixed Mania.
Anything is possible with Bipolar…there are no rules.
starts out beautiful pure and White….all of a sudden goes Black and then goes back to White and carries on like this with no Red Mania at all…..
you’re flying but you’re scared of wack shit.
then you crash….
super crushed depressed….
but then Red mania mixes in strong…depressed numb RED
then a blissful four hour blip of White Mania….
followed by a dark hour of Black….
and bam exhausted numbed depression.
And on and on.
I have mentioned that Bipolar sucks haven’t I?
Now some mental health professional person might read that and say…
“Well that is not Bipolar…that is this is that or the other thing….because in Bipolar THis is what happens. (Goes on to explain Bipolar)”
or they might say
“Well no that’s not ‘mixed mania’ or a TRUE mixed episode…this must be rapid/ultraradian/super cycling/mumbo jumbo/blahblahblah Bipolar.”
and I would say.
I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU WANT TO TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO CALL ALL OF THIS SHIT
It is what it is
I’m just callin’ it like I feel it….callin’ it how I hear it.
They can’t tell us what we can and cannot have in our Bipolar…
WE tell THEM what exists in our Bipolar.
And Mania is not just one Mania.
unless some of us have some other disorder thing besides mania going on that just magically makes us have some of the exact same experiences and feelings.
But I have an idea…
why don’t we just call it Bipolar
Bipolar is just word after all.
An inadequate misleading word at that
Bipolar is ridiculous.
and Depression sucks ass…
Always does….always will.
unless you get that perfect Bipolar combo where you hit into
light blue depression
where you are just low enough to be pensive and introspective and deep as shit philosophical
and your nerve endings open up to the world
and you are painfully sensitive to everything and yet in a way that some hidden truths of the universe are revealed in a melancholic sort of way and
it kinda feels amazing…
but that lasts for an hour…or your early twenties…whatever
and go ahead….somebody say…..
or maybe what you just described is a mixed White mania and blue depression….
and I will say