All the Colors of Mania

This is a little thought handle I use for myself and thought might interest some of you.

We all know that mania and depression are not just mania and depression.  They are complex and varied and there are a lot of different manias and a lot of different depressions.

And they all mix with each other.

Whew.  No wonder we’re confused.

And then there is that question of where the heck that line is between hypomania and mania.

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But maybe I should actually explain them now.

I see three main colors for my Manias.  They obviously mix.  I will go through them now because it is fun.  Feel free to use them for describing your own Bipolar if you want just toss me some cred…and maybe they don’t jive for you because we all have different Bipolar.  Let’s see shall we?

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First is….

White Mania

ah sigh

this is the good stuff.

this is the bliss…the light… the purity.

this is the all knowingness…the connectedness…

the being all encompassed by a force of love and magic

it just feels good.

if it does not than it is not white mania

or at least not pure white mania

pure white mania is our compensation prize.

Click here for a post that describes this feeling more.

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Then there is

Red Mania

this is the hot fast sexy stuff

the can’t sit still agitated buzzy discomfort

the longing to go anywhere be anywhere else…

this is that partier who can’t get enough and is never satisfied

this is that pervasive sensuality

and fiery irritably.

Red mania can actually start out feeling good….

high expansive free powerful….

like the beginning of a night of partying out on the town…

when your make up is fresh and you are excited to be out to be ALIVE

and then somewhere during the night/episode it starts to wear you out..

you smell…you’re tired…you’re over it…and you think I’d really rather be home on my couch with some ice cream….

that’s kind of like Red Mania except that….you can’t go home…

you are exhausted, disgusted, over it, uncomfortable

but your brain and body won’t stop.

like a roller coaster ride that started out exciting but is now making you feel sick but

YOU CAN’T GET OFF THE RIDE

and this my normies who are listening

feels like hell.

I mean imagine being at some huge packed club with music blaring and loud and raucous with no place to sit and just wanting to be home and your clothes are so uncomfortable and the bathrooms are disgusting and people are around you are drunk and drugged and seedy and lascivious and you are dying to be home….home…….

but you can’t get out….

you don’t know how to get home.

Add in not knowing why you feel like that…..

See how BIPOLAR SUCKS

I haven’t even been in club for about 500 years and that made my skin crawl.

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And I feel like sometimes we keep going…keep chasing the release and relief we think will come if we can just SATISFY this insane sensation….

I think that sometimes it is precisely our determination to satisfy Red Mania that leads to our destruction.

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Score for Bipolar.  It really is SO crafty

Especially, because then it also can replay for you during depression all of the stupid shit things you did while Red Manic.

what a fabulous little system.

Bipolar is a genius

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Black Mania

this is the bad stuff.

there is NOTHING good in Black Mania

nothing feels good about Black Mania

if it does it is not pure Black Mania

this is the fear…the terror…

the creepy weirdness

the feelings of other…

this is where psychosis gets its bad bad name.

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and this isn’t a continuum….like one is lighter lesser Mania and one is more and deeper mania.

These are all three manias unto themselves.

They can be their own less and more…light and deep.

As in you can be chest deep in white mania until you go to the hospital or just living in a low level Black Mania for months.

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just like we can have a Mixed Episode.  I believe we can also have Mixed Mania.

Anything is possible with Bipolar…there are no rules.

Example

starts out beautiful pure and White….all of a sudden goes Black and then goes back to White and carries on like this with no Red Mania at all…..

you’re flying but you’re scared of wack shit.

then you crash….

super crushed depressed….

but then Red mania mixes in strong…depressed numb RED

ouch

then a blissful four hour blip of White Mania….

followed by a dark hour of Black….

and bam exhausted numbed depression.

And on and on.

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I have mentioned that Bipolar sucks haven’t I?

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Now some mental health professional person might read that and say…

“Well that is not Bipolar…that is this is that or the other thing….because in Bipolar THis is what happens. (Goes on to explain Bipolar)”

or they might say

“Well no that’s not ‘mixed mania’ or a TRUE mixed episode…this must be rapid/ultraradian/super cycling/mumbo jumbo/blahblahblah Bipolar.”

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and I would say.

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whatever

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I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU WANT TO TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO CALL ALL OF THIS SHIT

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It is what it is

I’m just callin’ it like I feel it….callin’ it how I hear it.

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They can’t tell us what we can and cannot have in our Bipolar…

WE tell THEM what exists in our Bipolar.

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And Mania is not just one Mania.

unless some of us have some other disorder thing besides mania going on that just magically makes us have some of the exact same experiences and feelings.

But I have an idea…

why don’t we just call it Bipolar

Bipolar is just word after all.

An inadequate misleading word at that

Bipolar is ridiculous.

Mania is stupid…but amazing

and Depression sucks ass…

Always does….always will.

unless you get that perfect Bipolar combo where you hit into

light blue depression

where you are just low enough to be pensive and introspective and deep as shit philosophical

and your nerve endings open up to the world

and you are painfully sensitive to everything and yet in a way that some hidden truths of the universe are revealed in a melancholic sort of way and

it kinda feels amazing…

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but that lasts for an hour…or your early twenties…whatever

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and go ahead….somebody say…..

or maybe what you just described is a mixed White mania and blue depression….

and I will say

WHATEVER.

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8 comments

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  1. AndrewS

    This is terrific, and a needed corrective to their tidy little homogenizing “scientific” categories. As the maples redden and the air chills and my thoughts turn toward the ordeal of winter, I’m now going to aspire toward a baseline of light blue depression leavened with focused and recurrent flashes of piercing white hypo.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bipolarfirst

      Wow. Fall makes me feel very much like that! Although I tend to get sort of extra hypo about it all…I actually just today bought a few large candles with smells such as “Mulled Cider” and “Pumpkin Spice”………

      Ive always what exactly it is about Fall that makes me love it so. Maybe it is because the darkening and changing and returning inward is rather like the beginning of a light blue depression….while the glorious trees and hints of woodsmoke and cozy sweaters are like the flashes of white hypo…..

      just a thought.

      Thank you!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. lolabipola

    THIS should be in the textbooks! Spot on description of my last manic episode!

    “starts out beautiful pure and White….all of a sudden goes Black and then goes back to White and carries on like this with no Red Mania at all…..

    you’re flying but you’re scared of wack shit.

    then you crash….

    super crushed depressed….

    but then Red mania mixes in strong…depressed numb RED

    ouch

    then a blissful four hour blip of White Mania….

    followed by a dark hour of Black….

    and bam exhausted numbed depression.”

    I’m too old for clubbing 😉 But I sometimes miss the carefree days of my youth – we had some fine clubbing establishments in my days (and by “fine” I mean seedy and drug infested). I wasn’t a big druggie – more of a dabbler – having experienced not being in control of my own brain WITHOUT the help of drugs, it kinda put me off the idea of helping that along with too many drugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. darie73

    Red Manic must have been my name from the age of 17 to 35. I was like that often with periods of depression in between. Now at 42 it’s the opposite. I really wish a new way to diagnose or name was thought of. Even other people with Bipolar judge you. When I was first diagnosed as Bipolar II someone said to me ” oh, that’s the easy one. You’re lucky.” Funny I didn’t feel lucky. Then my diagnosis changed to Bipolar I and some people that found out backed away from me. It was seen as worse. Now I’m Bipolar Unspecified and I don’t know what the hell that means and I don’t care. It’s all the same. If you are suffering then you are suffering. I, II or Unspecified.

    Like

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