Sense Memories of Mania…..sigh and smell the Mania……

ooooooooooooooooo White Mania………………………………

(I’m not trying to glorify mania….

I’m trying not to lie about it.)

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Has anybody studied acting?

Do you know about Sense Memories then?

If you don’t know what I am talking about…..

Sense memories are a technique used by Method actors where they use certain sensory stimuli to evoke emotional memories…..

So you know the smell of a certain soap reminds you of a certain person and evokes those feelings so I guess you smell that soap before your scene….

I’m not an expert.

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But I think of this idea often.

And I just wondered if it happens to you guys.

The candle you burned when you were manic….or the shampoo you used when you were depressed….

The music you listened to when you were too low to think about.

And how these things can evoke these feelings in us ….

And how stability doesn’t take these memories away.

We always live a step or two away from them.

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The other day I was driving home in my car….the same drive I drove while fantastically White Manic….a mellow kind of beautiful manic…though with that twist of angst which is never far from the Bipolar mind…..

and the same song came on that came on back then……

a song that spoke to the manic me…volumes….clearly…..

toooooo beautifully

everything painfully beautiful.

and I looked at the clouds waiting for the magic….

and the cars…..waiting for the magic….

I waited for my heart to bubble and feel like bursting…..

at the miraculous adorable beauty of the world……..

and you know what….

those things didn’t happen.

.

But

I remembered them.

And

I

smiled

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And in the remembering I felt that magic.

.

And I wouldn’t trade it.

.

Because I have seen and felt the world in ways that others have not.

And Just because I am not manic does not mean I deny the magic.

just because I don’t want to be Manic ever again does not mean that I don’t appreciate it’s beauty.

.

I am thankful for its presence in my life.

yeah

I just said that.

.

.

.

.

This song sounds like White Mania to me…….

“When you’re happy like a fool
Let it take you over
When everything is out
You gotta take it in”

.

And then add a twist of some amazingly clear blue depression…….

“got no reason, got no shame
Got no family I can blame
Just don’t let me disappear
I’m a tell you everything”

4 comments

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  1. lolabipola

    Music definitely does that for me. Hootie and the Blowfish (as much as I love them) take me to a deep, dark space. Lots of music reminds me of my mania – some make me smile, others make me cringe, but yes… I can attest to the beautiful seduction of white mania.

    “Fight song” was my theme song during my last manic episode – and “True Love” by P!nk spoke to me (as in, was giving me messages about my ‘true love’) – I still love that song, and I don’t hold any ill feelings toward it, but I sometimes think to myself, “What the actual fuck were you thinking, you daft cow”

    Liked by 3 people

  2. AndrewS

    Haha. I remember that Good Life song came on the radio one day driving up to the high country for some ridge hiking and camping, when I lived in Colorado, and I was like, this song is cheesy as shit, and I loved it in my White Mania (such a better term than hypo), and had my head-bopping Joy Explosion. Ha. Nothing like White Mania in the Rocky Mountain alpine. Backbone of the world, high as the sky, grass glittering like it was still the first day of the first day. Yeah, that shit’s not coming back. Not like that. Not even if I went off my meds. A youth thing. But I AM hopeful that, let’s say, occasional fleeting gusts of green, yellow, and sea-blue sorts of joy are still in my future, when I am solid on my feet, and find myself back in wilderness someday. That seems reasonable and adultish and not dangerously grandiose. Only got this one stupid life, right? May as well keep dreaming. Cheers!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. SassaFrassTheFeisty

    In my white mania I clean. Crazy huh? Some people enjoy the beauty of the world, and I clean my house. It’s when I’m goin up or coming down when I notice things-the way the sun lights on a dewy spiders web, or the air smells like rain before others smell it. If they made a rain on concrete candle, I’d buy the whole damn lot! But I already see and hear and smell things more than others… I can describe the same sunrise I see with someone and describe colors that they can’t see or don’t even exist. I hear the wind whisper through the leaves talking to each other, I feel the grass underfoot like a velvety slipper. I’d like to come out of the white mania-because I’m tired of cleaning in all honesty-and either be blissfully serene or full blown manic-yeah I said it. Andrew sees greens, yellows and sea-blues, I see pinks, reds, white and pale yellows in my serenity. Though I can do without the trigger rage inducing music. Maroon 5 is one. Pearl Jam takes me back as does Green Day, full of confused life. I’m still living a confused life, but with a purpose. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • bipolarfirst

      This is beautiful yes I so agree and relate. Thank you for writing it out like that so I can say it!

      I do not clean though….that is more my pinkish mania hypo place….

      in white….who cares about these mundanities of physical existence!

      Liked by 2 people

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