Am I REAlly Bipolar…Me?

It’s surreal you know

popping the pills

every morning

every day

looking at them in the bottles

in the case

in your hand

daily

routine

habit?

not quite

and sometimes pausing

more at first

then less

but still

it comes

the pause

and the question

“really?”

reallY?

do I really need this?

for me not actually a question of whether or not I need to take them…

for me a bewilderment

a disbelief

that I need to take them

that I am Bipolar

that these little pills…

somehow have something in them

that keeps

all that has plagued me

my whole life

at bay

(not completely as we all know)

but still

enough

that I enjoy my life

really do

the pause though

the moment of disbelief…

that weird feeling

when it seems like

“for real?”

is this my life?

this happened?
Bipolar????????????

me????????????????

are you serious

of course it makes sense….the relief of the answer

but still

it seemed

for so long

like a problem

for

other people

or like a problem

that wasn’t real

or this painful

never knew

what it really was

and could be

and could do

and still

it is hard to believe sometimes

when thoughts suspend

and a window opens

and

those pills

their feathery weight in my hand

the

cosmic frustration

of needing them

of relying on something…..

I don’t like that

we don’t like that

I want a bigger space

I want a bigger buffer

I want something else

between me and

the madness

I want it to be

that I don’t need them

that the risks aren’t necessary

that it is a mistake

or that it has changed

and that

I could not need them

but

I’m not willing to try

I am not willing to suffer

anymore

than

I

have

to

Life

matters

too

much

And

I don’t

want

to go back

I want to go forward

whenever this window pops up

I am led back around

to those moments

you all know those moments

the moments that scare you

straight

the moments that led you

to

the medication

and

then I experience the

knowing

the certainty

the believing

that were so hard to win

So hard to come by

Hard won

a journey

of doubt

denial

confusion

despair

pain

but

hope

and now

the pills

in my hand

lead me forward

to my life

maybe not quite the life

that I anticipated pre diagnosis

but a life

that

I

love

.

But still

sometimes

the pause

Bipolar???????????????????

me????????????????????????

8 comments

Add Yours
  1. bpnurse

    Once again, you’ve captured what I feel in regards to bipolar. Even after four years of being diagnosed, I still wonder sometimes how I got to this point and if it’s all for real. Thank you!

    Like

  2. lolabipola

    I was just thinking the other day, “I’m pretty sure I could stop taking these….” And then I kicked myself in the arse, and said, “No, fuckhead, you can’t! Remember? Remember the pit? Remember the squeaky, high-pitched, fuuuuuuuucking offensive laughing of mania?” *shudder* Yeah, nah… I’ll be swallowing my chill pill until I die – and I’m OK with that πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sandra

    Really how weird. I get this…of course I would. I was just telling a woman I work with that I take 13 pills a day. It felt odd saying it out loud. It was even odder watching her jaw drop to the ground.

    Liked by 1 person

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