( This is humor. If you can’t do sarcasm you may get offended.)
Dear humans telling me to do yoga,
Please stop telling me to do yoga. You are wasting your breath. I am not going to do it.
Actually, I probably will do it when I am in the “mood”…most likely mania because I will want to cleanse my aura.
Or maybe when I’m mildly depressed and accidentally drink some of that Kool Aid.
But in my sane mind I ain’t gonna do it.
I know I may sound stubborn and unenlightened and crass but I can assure you that yoga and I have a long history.
We are mostly manic-weather friends.
When white manic I have experienced yoga better than sex.
But that is, unfortunately, not my status quo.
It is also definitely not yoga’s status quo.
And the thing that no one ever wants to admit about yoga is that it is
really fucking boring.
I don’t know why no one says this or talks about it.
It doesn’t mean yoga is not good for you just because it is boring.
There are lots of things that are good for you even though they are boring.
School….lunch…..rinsing a dish….reading Tess of the Durbervilles…
But guess what people….I’m going to tell it like it is.
Yoga is glorified standing still.
That is right as far as I’m concerned you might as well just stand still.
And I cannot stand still
After a minute or two I start Tap dancing….like for real
but they admit yoga is standing still
they actually tell you it is the best thing ever…
they like to smile a zen like enlightened know it all little smile…..
and say as if they are dropping this huge surprise……
that mountain pose and corpse pose are like the most important ones.
In case you have lived under a rock and have never been in a yoga class these poses are actually
standing and lying down.
And don’t tell me to do flow yoga when I complain about the standing still thing.
That is just even more glorified standing still.
Besides they just made up “flow” yoga so that people feel like they are getting an actual work out from yoga while still not actually doing a workout.
it worked apparently because the world is OBsessed with yoga.
But if it isn’t an actual Ashtanga class it isn’t real “flow” to me. I will make a small yoga exception for Ashtanga. If you are manic and would like to maybe get some agitation out and exhaust yourself and get hot and sweaty with a room full of strangers without going to a night club then try legit Ashtanga. It will kick your manic little ass.
But I don’t do it in the regular mood because….it’s too hard. yeah it is a hard form of yoga and like all shit to get good at it you have to be consistent and do it all the time.
I am not good at consistent. I’m Bipolar. If I get depressed consistency flies right out the window…
just ask my poor plants
I can’t think of anything I can do all of the time. ….hmmm
except be Bipolar…because that shit is constant.
So yeah I’m Bipolar consistently and whatdayaknow I’m like really freaking good at it.
Okay so I know that you want to tell me about how the breathing is good for me. Calming and all of that shit. I have two words for you
That information came out in the same newsletter in 2003 that also included drink water, get sleep, and eat whole grains.
Plus they said it on Oprah so we all KNOW.
I think we all have had it beaten into our heads that breathing is important and that there are “rules” about the right and wrong ways to do it
and if you do it the right way you will be a calmer, more balanced, more enlightened, less Bipolar, better human being.
I have tried this and I am still very Bipolar.
Besides the best breathing technique I learned did not come from yoga. I learned it from Therese and it is that four square breathing thing which unfortunately I can’t stop calling “psych ward” breathing because that is where she learned it.
Yeah I said psych ward.
I know I know if we all just did yoga….
no one would end up in the psych ward!
If only we could all breath and do yoga correctly. Sigh.
no panic attacks
no manic frenzies
no thinking the fly in your kitchen has brought evil into your house
no electric adrenaline jolts throughout your body
no wall climbing agitation.
no overwhelmed freak outs
no suicidal ideation
If only we could we would try harder at this panacea that is yoga.
But you know what actually works better than yoga for all of that shit
I know you may think I’m so weak and brain washed to say we need medication.
excuse my french but
shut the front door
(that is the nice way to say shut the fuck up. see i am trying not to alienate)
Now I must address this piece about “quieting your mind”.
The magical wonders of meditation…
I’ve heard the news…even just three minutes a day can have profound effects on your brain and health etc….
and that is fantastic
so I will meditate for three minutes a day. Great.
I don’t need your freakishly long…so long I always have to pee in the middle…yoga class.
And guess what…If I can actually meditate for more than three minutes…I must be so fucking manic.
By the way…I betcha didn’t know that meditation can induce psychosis in a Bipolar brain…
uh huh yep
So maybe pedal your wares somewhere else….mmmmmbye
And while in some manias meditation can become a swirling love fest with the cosmos
(leaving not only your worries but your sanity behind)….
in others it can make you
feel more like shit…
If you’ve ever tried to meditate with racing thoughts you’d understand what I mean by that.
I mean really how is that a good idea….
here why don’t you sit and really be with these nausea inducing speeding thoughts that you can’t control.
That would be good. That will make you calm down.
That will make you find the stillness in the now.
It will make me bang my head against a wall while screaming MAKE IT STOP
Just to be repetitive
Number one reason why I won’t do your yoga…..
It is boring
When I go.
I am bored.
When I do it in my house.
I am bored.
(In fact the only way I can stomach doing yoga is if I am listening to loud dance music)
but while in class…
I dutifully attempt to feel calm and enlightened and quiet my special Bipolar mind….
and I think…
“What the fuck am I wasting this time for?
I am neither working out nor relaxing….”
and I look around at everyone else wondering what they are thinking?
Are they really into it?
Are they thinking….the magic nothing of the yoga mind………
or are thinking “shoot I didn’t thaw the pork chops”…or “that person should not be wearing those shorts…?….or “who has the BO?”…or “I wish I could just die”…or do they have Uptown Funk stuck in their head…
And I wonder if we have all bought into this yoga thing…normies and crazies….
and what we all really want to do is be home snuggled on our couch in our pjs watching rot your brain television and feeling….
Yes I know that stress management is an important part of life and handling Bipolar.
But guess what….
Yoga bores the shit out of me
I dread going
and you telling me I should do it
Stresses me out!
Because I can relax…I am able to do that.
It usually involves wine, tea, the telephone, the TV, a journal or some combination thereof.
Also I prefer the active meditation of being one with the dishes or the walking… Thich Nhat Hanh style
There are many other ways besides yoga to “destress”……
such as not doing the shit that stresses you out.
I can do it my way. I don’t actually want help. I’m not actually asking for help.
I understand that yoga can have tremendous health benefits. So can lots of other things.
Like red wine, sex, and sleep.
Which would you rather do…those things or yoga?
If that is not a no brainer for you we probably should not be best friends.
You can drink your normie Kool Aid and take your normie self with your normie brain and go feel all normie calm and happy with your normie feeling of well being at your yoga class.
It ain’t that easy for me so stop acting like it is.
And when I complain about Bipolar….
Do not tell me to do Yoga.
That is like telling a person who accidentally sliced their finger off to bake some brownies….
you are missing the whole fucking point of the whole fucking thing.
I hope we can come up with a solution that works for everybody because you obviously feel the need to give me advice.
Oh wait I have an idea!
Instead of giving me advice about shit you know nothing about…
You could try to educate yourself about “Mental illness” and the real Bipolar.