Open Letter to Everyone Telling Me to Do Yoga

( This is humor. If you can’t do sarcasm you may get offended.)

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Dear humans telling me to do yoga,

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Please stop telling me to do yoga.  You are wasting your breath.  I am not going to do it.

Actually, I probably will do it when I am in the “mood”…most likely mania because I will want to cleanse my aura.

Or maybe when I’m mildly depressed and accidentally drink some of that Kool Aid.

But in my sane mind I ain’t gonna do it.

I know I may sound stubborn and unenlightened and crass but I can assure you that yoga and I have a long history.

yoga understands

We are mostly manic-weather friends.

When white manic I have experienced yoga better than sex.

But that is, unfortunately, not my status quo.

It is also definitely not yoga’s status quo.

And the thing that no one ever wants to admit about yoga is that it is

really fucking boring.

It is.

I don’t know why no one says this or talks about it.

It doesn’t mean yoga is not good for you just because it is boring.

There are lots of things that are good for you even though they are boring.

School….lunch…..rinsing a dish….reading Tess of the Durbervilles…

But guess what people….I’m going to tell it like it is.

Yoga is glorified standing still.

That is right as far as I’m concerned you might as well just stand still.

And I cannot stand still

After a minute or two I start Tap dancing….like for real

but they admit yoga is standing still

they actually tell you it is the best thing ever…

they like to smile a zen like enlightened know it all little smile…..

and say as if they are dropping this huge surprise……

that mountain pose and corpse pose are like the most important ones.

In case you have lived under a rock and have never been in a yoga class these poses are actually

standing and lying down.

And don’t tell me to do flow yoga when I complain about the standing still thing.

That is just even more glorified standing still.

Besides they just made up “flow” yoga so that people feel like they are getting an actual work out from yoga while still not actually doing a workout.

it worked apparently because the world is OBsessed with yoga.

But if it isn’t an actual Ashtanga class it isn’t real “flow” to me.  I will make a small yoga exception for Ashtanga.  If you are manic and would like to maybe get some agitation out and exhaust yourself and get hot and sweaty with a room full of strangers without going to a night club then try legit Ashtanga.  It will kick your manic little ass.

But I don’t do it in the regular mood because….it’s too hard.  yeah it is a hard form of yoga and like all shit to get good at it you have to be consistent and do it all the time.

I am not good at consistent.  I’m Bipolar.  If I get depressed consistency flies right out the window…

just ask my poor plants

I can’t think of anything I can do all of the time.  ….hmmm

except be Bipolar…because that shit is constant.

So yeah I’m Bipolar consistently and whatdayaknow I’m like really freaking good at it.

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Okay so I know that you want to tell me about how the breathing is good for me.  Calming and all of that shit.  I have two words for you

I KNOW

That information came out in the same newsletter in 2003 that also included drink water, get sleep, and eat whole grains.

Plus they said it on Oprah so we all KNOW.

I think we all have had it beaten into our heads that breathing is important and that there are “rules” about the right and wrong ways to do it

and if you do it the right way you will be a calmer, more balanced, more enlightened, less Bipolar, better human being.

I have tried this and I am still very Bipolar.

Besides the best breathing technique I learned did not come from yoga. I learned it from Therese and it is that four square breathing thing which unfortunately I can’t stop calling “psych ward” breathing because that is where she learned it.

Yeah I said psych ward.

I know I know if we all just did yoga….

no one would end up in the psych ward!

If only we could all breath and do yoga correctly.  Sigh.

no panic attacks

no anxiety

no manic frenzies

no paranoia

no thinking the fly in your kitchen has brought evil into your house

no electric adrenaline jolts throughout your body

no wall climbing agitation.

no overwhelmed freak outs

no suicidal ideation

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If only we could we would try harder at this panacea that is yoga.

But you know what actually works better than yoga for all of that shit

medication

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I know you may think I’m so weak and brain washed to say we need medication.

excuse my french but

shut the front door

(that is the nice way to say shut the fuck up.  see i am trying not to alienate)

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Now I must address this piece about “quieting your mind”.

The magical wonders of meditation…

I’ve heard the news…even just three minutes a day can have profound effects on your brain and health etc….

I KNOW

and that is fantastic

so I will meditate for three minutes a day. Great.

I don’t need your freakishly long…so long I always have to pee in the middle…yoga class.

And guess what…If I can actually meditate for more than three minutes…I must be so fucking manic.

By the way…I betcha didn’t know that meditation can induce psychosis in a Bipolar brain…

uh huh yep

So maybe pedal your wares somewhere else….mmmmmbye

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And while in some manias meditation can become a swirling love fest with the cosmos

(leaving not only your worries but your sanity behind)….

in others it can make you

feel more like shit…

If you’ve ever tried to meditate with racing thoughts you’d understand what I mean by that.

I mean really how is that a good idea….

here why don’t you sit and really be with these nausea inducing speeding thoughts that you can’t control.

That would be good.  That will make you calm down.

That will make you find the stillness in the now.

It won’t.

It will make me bang my head against a wall while screaming MAKE IT STOP

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Just to be repetitive

Number one reason why I won’t do your yoga…..

It is boring

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When I go.

I am bored.

When I do it in my house.

I am bored.

(In fact the only way I can stomach doing yoga is if I am listening to loud dance music)

but while in class…

I dutifully attempt to feel calm and enlightened and quiet my special Bipolar mind….

and I think…

“What the fuck am I wasting this time for?

I am neither working out nor relaxing….”

and I look around at everyone else wondering what they are thinking?

Are they really into it?

Are they thinking….the magic nothing of the yoga mind………

or are thinking “shoot I didn’t thaw the pork chops”…or “that person should not be wearing those shorts…?….or “who has the BO?”…or “I wish I could just die”…or do they have Uptown Funk stuck in their head…

And I wonder if we have all bought into this yoga thing…normies and crazies….

and what we all really want to do is be home snuggled on our couch in our pjs watching rot your brain television and feeling….

relaxed!

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Yes I know that stress management is an important part of life and handling Bipolar.

But guess what….

Yoga bores the shit out of me

I dread going

and you telling me I should do it

Stresses me out!

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Because I can relax…I am able to do that.

It usually involves wine, tea, the telephone, the TV, a journal or some combination thereof.

Also I prefer the active meditation of being one with the dishes or the walking… Thich Nhat Hanh style

There are many other ways besides yoga to “destress”……

such as not doing the shit that stresses you out.

I can do it my way.  I don’t actually want help.  I’m not actually asking for help.

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I understand that yoga can have tremendous health benefits.  So can lots of other things.

Like red wine, sex, and sleep.

Which would you rather do…those things or yoga?

If that is not a no brainer for you we probably should not be best friends.

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You can drink your normie Kool Aid and take your normie self with your normie brain and go feel all normie calm and happy with your normie feeling of well being at your yoga class.

It ain’t that easy for me so stop acting like it is.

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And when I complain about Bipolar….

Do not tell me to do Yoga.

That is like telling a person who accidentally sliced their finger off to bake some brownies….

you are missing the whole fucking point of the whole fucking thing.

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I hope we can come up with a solution that works for everybody because you obviously feel the need to give me advice.

Oh wait I have an idea!

Instead of giving me advice about shit you know nothing about…

You could try to educate yourself about “Mental illness” and the real Bipolar.

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Sincerely,

Bipolar Girl

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24 comments

Add Yours
  1. dyane

    Thank you SO much for writing this!!!! 🙂
    Yoga simply isn’t for me. I live in a HUGE yoga-town (Santa Cruz, California) and I’ve tried many types & it just doesn’t make me happy. I do what I love: elliptical & walk & hike and have sex.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. morgueticiaatoms

    Have you been getting comments from my former whack-a-doodle shrink? He told me to run up and down staircases since I’m semi agoraphobic. and don’t do “outside”. Never mind staircases cause my knees to swell up like grapefruits, no, exercise will cure all.

    I really wanna play whack-a-troll with some of these internet people.

    Better yet, ask them their shoe size, give them a shoe two sizes smaller, then when they complain it’s painful and not the right fit for them…Yeah, well, welcome to your own advice on bipolar. It doesn’t fit us right either.

    Like

  3. Adam

    I think I’m in love with you. yes I’m pissed (don’t take that personally) I’m trying to come off my anti depressants and unfortunately the best way I know how is to be pisssed until the side effect wear off.
    I’ve done yoga, I’ve done Pilates, I’ve done meditation and none of it, lets say that again NONE OF IT STOPPED ME GOING CRAZY AND HAVING A BREAKDOWN.
    I love your sarcasm , your humour and I totally fucking get you, your awesome, your wonderful and unfortunately your in America and I’m in little old England so I will love and worship you from afar
    hahahaahjaha

    Like

    • bipolarfirst

      HA oh my. Thank you very much for the flattering comments and yes as I keep saying Yoga is not the Cure!

      I can tell you that there is a ring on it…as in I’m a very married lady 🙂 I seriously could not be more married if I tried. Ha!

      You outed yourself as Brit by saying pissed….fortunately I know that that means drunk not irritated with me 🙂

      Where’d you get the idea that I’m American ?

      Go eat some Smarties and some biscuits and drink some tea (that was said with a fake British accent)

      Like

      • Anonymous

        I was drunk (pissed) yesterday and sorry for my comments, I wasn’t trying to chat you up when I said I was in love with you. I was meaning your humour, sarcasm, wit, style of writing and Outlook on life in general, so apologies for confusion. That’s not to say your not an attractive woman or anything lol.
        As for the tea, I actually can’t stand it and much prefer coffee, but the smarties yeah I like that especially naughty smarties if you know what I mean, nudge nudge wink wink say no more 😊

        “you all have a nice day now, yall hear”
        He says with the worst American accent you’ve ever heard

        Like

      • bipolarfirst

        No worries dude. I did not think you were actually in love with me but that rather you were using the expression to convey the depth of your appreciation.

        I am not opposed to being worshipped from afar. Grandiosity is my fave Bipolar symptom

        And why are Americans so good at doing British accents but the British cannot do an American accent to save their life 😉 ha

        Like

  4. SassaFrassTheFeisty

    Oh this is brilliant! I did ONE yoga class and my mind was still ping ponging all over the place. I liked it, but I want to do it in my house so I can listen to my music that soothes and centers my soul-like Linkin Park. So I just do my long stretches I learned in high school and it’s just as good for me imo
    I miss sex 😦 and I don’t drink wine, so I indulge in moonshine and high dollar scotch. To each their own!

    Like

    • bipolarfirst

      Thanks Sass, I so appreciate it! I love your presence here. You add some….Sass. HAHAHAHAHA

      And yes different strokes for different folks…..enjoy your scotch…i’ll enjoy my pinot….

      Is anyone else afraid somebody is gonna come in here and yell at us for talking about booze…..shhhhhhhhhh

      Liked by 1 person

      • AndrewS

        Hope you’re not referring to moi? Hey, I can enjoy an age-appropriate amount of booze if not depressed, not in a mixed state, and not in any sense manic. That day will come. Just working on that magical med combo…😂😂😂

        Like

      • SassaFrassTheFeisty

        Thanks! I’m nothing if not my Sassy self-well, not here lately but given my last month…
        Oh I lurve my scotch and moonshine! Damn my cousin for spoiling me with it!
        If they wanna yell about us talking about booze they can kiss my white Sassy ass-I’ve had a month from hell and they can seriously go fuck themselves. *Drinks straight from the Mason Jar and flips em the bird* 😀

        Like

  5. AndrewS

    Haha. Love it bipgirl (will do for now: I wasn’t saying change your blog name, just a sobriquet for comments:) Maybe Lola could invent one? She came up with Beeps. I did a bunch of hot yoga for 2 years in Denver with my ex; helped her arthritis. To be fair, these urban yoga pods strike me basically as female empowerment centers; a homey, bouncy, and safe alternative to the macho steroidal gyms. And I do have to give props to this one yoga sculpt class (hot fast gymnastics yoga + plus barbells) that kicked my ass five ways to Friday and released a few decades of tension. But yeah, hated it! Almost LOVED hating it. The intro “Dharma talks”! You’re slinging bling for what is a glorified on-the-clock work out, and you have to sit there for ten or even fifteen minutes while some half-naked dude or scarily bright-eyed woman tells you, in tones of oozing self-reverence, how lucky and awesome you are for showing up today, and getting on that mat, and chakra this, and divine that, and third eye whatever, on and on, usually ending with a vignette about them standing in line at the supermarket earlier that morning having an insight of literally superhuman obviousness. Generally speaking, I think we (us?) bipolars are just a naturally anti-authoritarian gang who dislike being told what to do, dislike being forcibly regimented, and hence resist paying someone to boss our limbs about for a boring and/or frenetically unpleasant hour. But hey, not knocking this shit if it works for anyone. And I’ll take it any day over these new Swat-team Special Forces Crossfit Armies of Impending Darkness. (Btw doesn’t bother me in the slightest that you called Tess boring, but lay a finger on The Woodlanders and I WILL unfollow you 🙂 🙂

    Like

  6. DM

    Fricken LMAO. Great fricken post. And I love the comments too.

    Yeah, I tried the yoga thingy years ago and did pretty good at it for a while – before one of my mini -breakdowns. Tried to get back to it a couple of years ago until some little #$!÷& kept trying to get me to smile for the pre-class warm up – which happened to include pounding on your abdomen to get the “flow” (of chi) going. F- that shite. Made me more pissed off. I was already flowing that day…and cramping too.

    Now forget about doing yoga these days. I’d die in plow pose as soon as all the weight I gained from my beloved meds came crashing down on my face.

    Someone pass the Tequila. Just kidding… maybe… I can at least fantasize about it.

    Like

  7. darie73

    Sorry no yoga for me. I wasn’t allowed into their fancy classes in my area before because I was too fat. Now I’m not but I’m pretty sure the first time I laughed when I wasn’t supposed to I’d be out. My sister was kicked out of her class for laughing at the woman in front of her . She passed gas on my sister’s head. It was loud and couldn’t be ignored. I mostly get hounded about DBT and CBT to the point of anger.

    Like

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