(I wrote this awhile ago but never published it and now after my previous post remembered it. It is funny since he has since contradicted himself big time and taken Lithium off the table for the long haul…whatthefuckever!)
You know there are times that I am just going about my life…
and then maybe the chronic low level blahness of Bipolar kicks up a little and I find myself shriveling or rattling or crying
and I think
I fucking hate this
And from there my thought marble drops down the stairs
Because while I do very well on my current meds my Pdoc has said that he’d like me to consider Lithium for the long haul.
He said that if I was really serious about wanting to stop the cycling….all the symptoms
that Lithium is where it’s at.
and of course my next thought ….
well after “but what about my kidneys!”
how is this happening?
are we really talking about
am I That Bipolar?
how did this happen to my life that I have Bipolar disorder?
and Like all of us (most of us?) I am afraid of Lithium
it is kind of funny that we are so afraid of it…
it has the most research
the most proven efficacy
and it is totally natural!
the chakra unblocking yoga people should technically be pushing it on us.
It is essentially a natural element of the earth….a supplement if you will…
that rights some of the wrongs in your brain
like vitamin D or whatever
plus they say Lithium has neuroprotective properties meaning it might actually stop the damage.
at least that’s what I’ve heard
So why aren’t we all leaping for it?
why am I not leaping for it?
Bunch of reasons…
first the boring old one about how it is a free element from the earth so it doesn’t make the big bucks Abilifat and Serofatquel do so there isn’t as much motivation to push it on us
and then there is the way we hear horror stories on the Internet. …..
You know them…
“I took lithium for one day and my feet exploded.”
“I gained twenty pounds in 13 minutes”
“I was so nauseous I pulled my car to the side of the road and puked my brains out”
“I was SO thirsty I found myself drinking out of my dog’s water bowl”
“after five minutes on it I went toxic and DIED”
“I’ve been on it five years and my Bipolar is fixed but I have to carry this bucket around to pee in because my kidneys have been shot to hell”
that’s why we don’t want it
And then there is the mystique of Lithium…..
Lithium means Bipolar
Lithium means legit Bipolar
like a minivan means legit Soccermom
Once you’re on Lithium it is official.
There is no question
You’ve got the Bipo
and you’ve got it bad
the rest of those meds can be used for other things sometimes….
“oh yeah sure I have epilepsy that’s why I take the anticonvulsants…”
its for anxiety…
but with Lithium there is no hiding.
that shit makes people think Bipolar
actually I think it makes people think
Lithium carries the biggest stigma
although “antipsychotic” has a nasty ring to it
but it is much more avoidable….
“oh Abilify what is that..like an SSRI or something?”
“um well uh no it’s an antipsy…..people take it for depression..remember the commercial?!”
Although the Latuda commercials have pretty much outed us in that way.
I do appreciate though that they feature a normal looking mom character
well done Latuda People
thanks for the bone
Knowing me I would probably get some kind of off and bizarre glee and sense of accomplishment from a prescription for Lithium….
“look everybody I made it. I’m the real fucking deal people!”
I mean I felt a grand feeling of achievement when I got my minivan…..”read it and weep people….I’ve made so many little humans I had to buy this big ass bus to move them around in”
(no hate mail necessary. I am very environmentally behaved. No fear)
okay this is a weird post because I started it because I was feeling those Lithium thoughts.
The ones that hit me in the chest with the
“I hate this shit” feeling
because the thing is….
I’m scared of the Lithium.
I’m scared of it ruining my body.
Though when I told my Pdoc I was worried about my kidneys he said that that is not a big deal on low doses and that he would be more concerned about the long term effects of the other meds on my liver.
my jaw must have dropped because in all of this fucking horrible crazy med risk taking shit
I had never worried about my liver.
so thank you for that Pdoc.
But you know. I am paying him to tell me stuff like that.
But I am also scared of Lithium because
what if it doesn’t work
what if I use the last bow in my quiver
and I miss
That scares me. Because with my particular chemistry and type of Bipolar I don’t actually have a ton of options.
But anyway…..we will see
On one hand I want to join in with all of you who are like maybe someday I can handle this without meds…..
On the other hand I am just so fucking sick of it.
Life is short
I want to enjoy it
I wOuld like to spend the least amount of energy worrying about stupid Bipolar as possible
because this shit is forever
and I’m not actually that old
So if I do go on Lithium I really hope I can find a cute t shirt that says “Lithium” in sparkly pink letters.
it would make me happy
yeah I’m that weird
and you are reading my blog so what does that make you?
If Lithium is the hard core Bipolar ass kicking ninja of the medication world
And if Lithium is going to give me the life I want and deserve….
I might just invite her on in…
And if I do I’m getting that shirt
and yeah I would say “hey you guys read it and weep. I’m legit crazy! I am an official manic depressive now.”
I learned a long time ago that a little grandiosity goes a long long way.