To Lithium or Not to Lithium…that is the question

(I wrote this awhile ago but never published it and now after my previous post remembered it.  It is funny since he has since contradicted himself big time and taken Lithium off the table for the long haul…whatthefuckever!)

You know there are times that I am just going about my life…

and then maybe the chronic low level blahness of Bipolar kicks up a little and I find myself shriveling or rattling or crying

and I think

I fucking hate this

And from there my thought marble drops down the stairs

chink

chink

chink

to Lithium

.

Because while I do very well on my current meds my Pdoc has said that he’d like me to consider Lithium for the long haul.

He said that if I was really serious about wanting to stop the cycling….all the symptoms

that Lithium is where it’s at.

.

and of course my next thought ….

well after “but what about my kidneys!”

is

how is this happening?

are we really talking about

Lithium?

am I That Bipolar?

how did this happen to my life that I have Bipolar disorder?

.

and Like all of us (most of us?) I am afraid of Lithium

it is kind of funny that we are so afraid of it…

it has the most research

the most proven efficacy

and it is totally natural!

the chakra unblocking yoga people should technically be pushing it on us.

It is essentially a natural element of the earth….a supplement if you will…

that rights some of the wrongs in your brain

like vitamin D or whatever

plus they say Lithium has neuroprotective properties meaning it might actually stop the damage.

at least that’s what I’ve heard

So why aren’t we all leaping for it?

why am I not leaping for it?

Bunch of reasons…

first the boring old one about how it is a free element from the earth so it doesn’t make the big bucks Abilifat and Serofatquel do so there isn’t as much motivation to push it on us

and then there is the way we hear horror stories on the Internet. …..

You know them…

“I took lithium for one day and my feet exploded.”

“I gained twenty pounds in 13 minutes”

“I was so nauseous I pulled my car to the side of the road and puked my brains out”

“I was SO thirsty I found myself drinking out of my dog’s water bowl”

“after five minutes on it I went toxic and DIED”

“I’ve been on it five years and my Bipolar is fixed but I have to carry this bucket around to pee in because my kidneys have been shot to hell”

.

oh yeah

that’s why we don’t want it

.

And then there is the mystique of Lithium…..

Lithium means Bipolar

Lithium means legit Bipolar

like a minivan means legit Soccermom

Once you’re on Lithium it is official.

There is no question

You’ve got the Bipo

and you’ve got it bad

the rest of those meds can be used for other things sometimes….

“oh yeah sure I have epilepsy that’s why I take the anticonvulsants…”

its for anxiety…

depression….

etc

but with Lithium there is no hiding.

No explanation

that shit makes people think Bipolar

actually I think it makes people think

Manic Depressive

Batshit

Lithium carries the biggest stigma

although “antipsychotic” has a nasty ring to it

but it is much more avoidable….

“oh Abilify what is that..like an SSRI or something?”

“um well uh no it’s an antipsy…..people take it for depression..remember the commercial?!”

Although the Latuda commercials have pretty much outed us in that way.

I do appreciate though that they feature a normal looking mom character

well done Latuda People

thanks for the bone

.

Knowing me I would probably get some kind of off and bizarre glee and sense of accomplishment from a prescription for Lithium….

“look everybody I made it.  I’m the real fucking deal people!”

I mean I felt a grand feeling of achievement when I got my minivan…..”read it and weep people….I’ve made so many little humans I had to buy this big ass bus to move them around in”

(no hate mail necessary. I am very environmentally behaved.  No fear)

.

okay this is a weird post because I started it because I was feeling those Lithium thoughts.

The ones that hit me in the chest with the

“I hate this shit” feeling

because the thing is….

I’m scared of the Lithium.

I’m scared of it ruining my body.

Though when I told my Pdoc I was worried about my kidneys he said that that is not a big deal on low doses and that he would be more concerned about the long term effects of the other meds on my liver.

my jaw must have dropped because in all of this fucking horrible crazy med risk taking shit

I had never worried about my liver.

so thank you for that Pdoc.

But you know.  I am paying him to tell me stuff like that.

.

But I am also scared of Lithium because

what if it doesn’t work

what if I use the last bow in my quiver

and I miss

?

That scares me.  Because with my particular chemistry and type of Bipolar I don’t actually have a ton of options.

.

But anyway…..we will see

On one hand I want to join in with all of you who are like maybe someday I can handle this without meds…..

On the other hand I am just so fucking sick of it.

Life is short

I want to enjoy it

I wOuld like to spend the least amount of energy worrying about stupid Bipolar as possible

because this shit is forever

and I’m not actually that old

surprise!

.

So if I do go on Lithium I really hope I can find a cute t shirt that says “Lithium” in sparkly pink letters.

it would make me happy

yeah I’m that weird

and you are reading my blog so what does that make you?

ooooooo

snap

.

If Lithium is the hard core Bipolar ass kicking ninja of the medication world

And if Lithium is going to give me the life I want and deserve….

I might just invite her on in…

And if I do I’m getting that shirt

and yeah I would say “hey you guys read it and weep. I’m legit crazy! I am an official manic depressive now.”

I learned a long time ago that a little grandiosity goes a long long way.

 

 

wink

 

 

10 comments

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  1. morgueticiaatoms

    Ten year off and on Lithium vet here. I never felt the stigma as I was misdiagnosed for so many years, I would have kissed my shrink for figuring it out and giving me lithium. It helped that much.
    Problem is, it works so well that you get to feeling numb, emotionless, then you add in side effects and suddenly you want any other med than lithium.
    A year later, things start going off the rails, I go crawling back to lithium.
    It’s that good.
    It is also not the cure it is made out to be unless you have a singular bipolar axis one diagnosis. It helps immensely. It doesn’t make the bipolar symptoms stop. Just lessens them.

    So for anyone considering lithium…do the research yourself. Try it. Don’t feel you have to commit, it doesn’t work for some people.
    Just don’t fear it and don’t let the stigma hold you back.

    And stop drinking water out of the dog bowl, ffs, people. You’re supposed to drink toilet water with lithium.

    Like

    • bipolarfirst

      HAHAHA. Obv toilet water! Thanks for writing this here. It helps me to hear what other people have to say about these things. And good point that it isn’t necessarily a complete commitment. You can always stop. Silly me being so black and white about it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • morgueticiaatoms

        I had a counselor tell me I only saw black and white but the thing was…on that day, at that appointment, she was right. Rest of the time I can barely validate my existence because I am busy “seeing it from someone else’s side”.
        Bipolar…just…needs to go away.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. mythoughts62

    Years ago I had pretty much the same feelings about lithium. I took it for a while and the only side effects I had were tremors that were so bad that I had to stop taking it. I do have a minivan and lots of kids. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. kimkasualty

    Ah the lithium days, well it’s a fuck load better then epilim that’s for sure. Blood tests every 3 months just add to pressure that you’re not right. And it makes you feel nothingness. It’s weird to not feel anything, it made me question whether I was really living or not, because as much as the emotion hurts, I’d still rather hurt then feel nothing at all, at least I know I’m human.

    This is just my experience though, personally I think lamotrigine out of the 3 mood stabilisers I’ve taken is the best out of the 3, yet there’s people with bad experiences. Just don’t trust the internet. People react differently, you have to try it for yourself, give it a chance and see how you feel.

    And don’t read horror stories either, they’re so random. People have had their whole face scarred from their mobile phones exploding so yeah. Humans can pretty well die from anything, it’d be rare if your death was caused by lithium.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Pieces of Bipolar

    Lithium saved me. It is my magic little pill, my saving grace. Yes all sort of horrors can happen I’m sure, but you go for your blood tests and you drink lots of water and you can make the excuse “I can’t exercise because I take lithium and if I sweat too much it’s dangerous for my health”. I wish I’d been put on lithium sooner. I’ve been taking in now 6 or 7 years and it changed my life. I’ve even experienced toxic levels of lithium but nothing bad happened. It was picked up in my blood test and things were adjusted and all’s well that ends well. Really, don’t be afraid of it.

    Liked by 1 person

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