I Am Not Pathetic I have A Chronic Illness! Honor my Difference.

Here is another thing that people JUST DO NOT GET

Us or them really

That no matter how level or normal or balanced or level or baseline or good we feel.

We will NEVER be like them

We will never be able to live life like a normie

We have to do it differently and that is really the bottom of that line

.

Because people

BIPOLAR IS NOT AN “EPISODIC ILLNESS”

IT IS AN ALL THE TIME BRAIN DISORDER

.

That shit doesn’t go away

It doesn’t stop

Our brains aren’t magically “fixed” just because we are in between “episodes”

.

Of course we have all had experiences of good…strong stable moods…where we finally feel

like we can breath a sigh of relief and ya know

HANDLE SHIT LIKE A NORMIE

but that can be an illusion/delusion

one because we often realize later we were hypo..imagine that

and two

because it can end so quickly….

perhaps unexpectedly….

perhaps a huge or tiny trigger….

and bam

Do you fall into a full blown “episode” all the time?

No

not neceassarliy

sometimes the Bipolar Bullshit just comes back…

sometimes with a vengeance sinking you like the worst hangover that never ever goes away

and sometimes it just quietly takes its seat and starts spewing shit around your brain

.

And it sucks…

because you technically aren’t supposed to be “in an episode”

you technically do not feel

“depressed”

or

“manic”

or whatever shit like that.

.

And so your expectation for yourself

and everyone’s expectation for you remains

at normie level

.

and we think to ourselves

“I can’t be like this…I have to get this done…I have to go here….

I mean….

I’m supposed to be fine…and i’m not depressed…

am I?

am I cycling again…

but I just got out of a depression….

am I rapid cycling?”

.

And whatever you think about wherever you are…

you expect yourself to get the fuck over it and

act like normal person

.

And everyone around you expects you to

get the fuck on with it and

ACT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

as if Bipolar was episodes of crap with complete normalness in between

.

Bull Fucking Shit

.

You are NOT NORMAL

and

Bipolar is not Episodic

.

I am sorry to have to say that.

.

But here is why I am saying it

So we all give ourselves a fucking break….

because we need to protect ourselves

.

We are always Bipolar

every day

every minute

every second

.

We may not ALWAYS be depressed

We may not ALWAYS be manic

We may not ALWAYS be mixed

but

We are ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS

BIPOLAR

.

It never goes away

and we always have to be hyper vigilant

.

So when we “really feel fine” but have a day or two when the thoughts get negative and spirally…

and gravity is pulling harder…

and everything becomes so damn hard

.

Stop

circle your wagons

and allow yourself to cancel shit…

to stay home

ignore the laundry…

order takeout

skip that yoga class (hehe)

.

You don’t always have to be officially full blown depressed in order to treat your self like you are

“sick”

.

Does that hurt?

The fact that I said sick

.

You know I hate language like that

but

I do think that it helps us to think of it this way….

The flu in the brain

.

You cannot help that you feel “sick”

.

So take care of yourself and get off your own back just the way you would if you had the flu….

.

is the sucky thing about Bipolar and Bipolar depression is that it doesn’t end the way the flu does…

the flu isn’t a chronic illness…

sigh

So we unfortunately do have to buck up and do a lot of life tasks and shit while we feel like hell

and this my friends

is just another reason why

we are badass

.

but the point of this is

We are not normal and when we stop treating ourselves like we should be we can actually keep ourselves more stable

.

The part that is beyond irritating though is dealing with the loved ones

who

just

DON’T GET IT

.

“Oh you said you were fine. How was I supposed to know you would feel suicidal if I yelled at you?”

“I thought you were okay. How was I supposed to know saying the house is a mess would make you throw a spatula?”

“Wait..are you crying?….About this?”

“You aren’t depressed right so why are you acting so crazy?”

.

How bad does it suck to tell people that they need to treat you like you have a…

disability….

a disorder…

a chronic illness….

.

Because we don’t want it to be true

and we want Bipolar to be something that doesn’t need to be treated like that.

.

But it is.

And if we and they could just understand it.

We could suffer less.

.

There is freedom in the truth..

I have a disability

I have a chronic illness

My life is not like yours

I cannot do what you can do

But because this disability and this disorderment

stems from the fact that

I have a

brain difference

I can also do, feel, think, know, and understand things

that

you

never

will

.

So how about a little

respect

a little

appreciation

a little

understanding

a little

compassion

and

how about you

get off

my

disabled back

because when

you treat me like I should be able to be like you

You are triggering

my

special

brain

.

And we need to say to ourselves and the people in our lives….

“this IS my best

It might not seem like enough…

but it is all that there is

it is all I can do…

Please notice what I AM doing

Please appreciate everything I bring…

And if you act like my best is not enough…

and you treat me like I should be able to do more…

You will make my brain worse.

I hate to say that….

it is the unfortunate truth of my existence.”

.

I want to say that my brain is different not disordered

but

the truth is

that

my brain difference 

disorders my brain

.

But if you can honor my differences

and appreciate my gifts

and the magic I bring to your life

then

the stupid mundane shit I can’t do

won’t matter

.

.

.

16 comments

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  1. darie73

    I love a good cry in the morning. Thank you for this. I was thinking I was wrong to tell other Doctors about my Bipolar and Conversion Disorder diagnosis. I’m not wrong and I’m sick of letting other people try to make me feel that way because they are embarrassed. If I have a hard time with anesthesia because of it I think that Dr. needs to know. I’ve had a few times where they had trouble getting me out of anesthesia. Catatonia or some shit was put on my chart. It was really my brain didn’t want to wake up. So my sister telling me to be quiet that the dr. doesn’t need to know all that now pisses me off. It’s a good thing the Dr. said something this time. It left me feeling ashamed or embarrassed or like I did something wrong when I didn’t. This helped.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jess Melancholia

    See, I both agree and disagree with this post. Yes it’s true that the “normies” should be more cautious in not triggering us, like yelling or telling us the house is a mess. Because it does trigger us! And in my experience, coming back from a trigger is the hardest thing in the world. I feel depressed or angry or irritated for hours. But the thing is though, telling people to treat me like I have a disability is hard for me to accept. I can count on one hand how many people know I have bipolar disorder. I don’t want special treatment at work. I honestly believe that I can do the same work and undergo the same stresses as anyone else. If that’s the reason I keep having these issues with irritability and anxiety that lasts forever, then maybe I’m looking at it in the wrong way. Maybe I’m still in denial. I want to be normal. I hate this fucking Bipolar! It’s still taking me time to accept the fact that I have a disability. That I have a mental disorder. And unfortunately, the shit I get from people saying, “Really? You couldn’t make it to the soccer game last night? We really needed you. Why couldn’t you make it?” is FUCKING FRUSTRATING! All I can say is, “I wasn’t feeling well”, and it looks like I’m saying, “I don’t give a damn.” But, like you said, you are allowed to cancel shit because you are sick and you can’t help it. So how do I approach the idiots that make me feel worse about something I already hate having to deal with on a day-to-day basis?

    Like

    • bipolarfirst

      Yeah. I’m not saying tell people at work. And it is kind of impossible to get loved ones to understand anyway.

      This was more a rants sorts 😉

      and bringing up the idea of how we talk to ourselves.

      It is such a sucky part of Bipolar to never be able to really explain…to the people you don’t know.

      I feel like I often come off as aloof, flaky, scattered, self absorbed to people….

      and I’m really not…

      it is another cost

      I know. it is awful.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Jess Melancholia

        Oh I get your rants and it is awful. I’m just venting cause I’m irritated. Yeah I’m never going to tell anyone at my work. It’s just annoying cause I wanna strangle some people. 😀 I wish they would just take it as is instead of making me feel worse about it…
        I care too much…

        Like

  3. lolabipola

    I totally agree with everything you said here. Great rant! I’m in the same boat as Jess Melancholia though – I don’t want to admit I have a disability. I know I do, but I don’t want to admit it.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. darie73

    Ok I admit it. Once or twice on purpose I have used my Bipolarness in the wrong way out of anger. I forget what happened because my brain does that but I remember there was someone being an a-hole and I said “keep it up, I’m Bipolar. So keep running your mouth. I have papers that certify me, it’s like a get out of jail free card, so think about what you say next”. It was a horrible fight and I had just been diagnosed and was still drinking most likely also manic. There was a guy involved of course. I’m sure it didn’t help coming from a 250 pound rocker chick with teased blond hair, a pound of make up on and it might have been the night I experimented with false eyelashes and one was in my bangs the entire night. I never did it again. The eyelashes, or use Bipolar as something evil. I leave that to the media now.

    Like

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