Here is another thing that people JUST DO NOT GET
Us or them really
That no matter how level or normal or balanced or level or baseline or good we feel.
We will NEVER be like them
We will never be able to live life like a normie
We have to do it differently and that is really the bottom of that line
IT IS AN ALL THE TIME BRAIN DISORDER
That shit doesn’t go away
It doesn’t stop
Our brains aren’t magically “fixed” just because we are in between “episodes”
Of course we have all had experiences of good…strong stable moods…where we finally feel
like we can breath a sigh of relief and ya know
HANDLE SHIT LIKE A NORMIE
but that can be an illusion/delusion
one because we often realize later we were hypo..imagine that
because it can end so quickly….
perhaps a huge or tiny trigger….
Do you fall into a full blown “episode” all the time?
sometimes the Bipolar Bullshit just comes back…
sometimes with a vengeance sinking you like the worst hangover that never ever goes away
and sometimes it just quietly takes its seat and starts spewing shit around your brain
And it sucks…
because you technically aren’t supposed to be “in an episode”
you technically do not feel
or whatever shit like that.
And so your expectation for yourself
and everyone’s expectation for you remains
at normie level
and we think to ourselves
“I can’t be like this…I have to get this done…I have to go here….
I’m supposed to be fine…and i’m not depressed…
am I cycling again…
but I just got out of a depression….
am I rapid cycling?”
And whatever you think about wherever you are…
you expect yourself to get the fuck over it and
act like normal person
And everyone around you expects you to
get the fuck on with it and
ACT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON
as if Bipolar was episodes of crap with complete normalness in between
Bull Fucking Shit
You are NOT NORMAL
Bipolar is not Episodic
I am sorry to have to say that.
But here is why I am saying it
So we all give ourselves a fucking break….
because we need to protect ourselves
We are always Bipolar
We may not ALWAYS be depressed
We may not ALWAYS be manic
We may not ALWAYS be mixed
We are ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS
It never goes away
and we always have to be hyper vigilant
So when we “really feel fine” but have a day or two when the thoughts get negative and spirally…
and gravity is pulling harder…
and everything becomes so damn hard
circle your wagons
and allow yourself to cancel shit…
to stay home
ignore the laundry…
skip that yoga class (hehe)
You don’t always have to be officially full blown depressed in order to treat your self like you are
Does that hurt?
The fact that I said sick
You know I hate language like that
I do think that it helps us to think of it this way….
The flu in the brain
You cannot help that you feel “sick”
So take care of yourself and get off your own back just the way you would if you had the flu….
is the sucky thing about Bipolar and Bipolar depression is that it doesn’t end the way the flu does…
the flu isn’t a chronic illness…
So we unfortunately do have to buck up and do a lot of life tasks and shit while we feel like hell
and this my friends
is just another reason why
we are badass
but the point of this is
We are not normal and when we stop treating ourselves like we should be we can actually keep ourselves more stable
The part that is beyond irritating though is dealing with the loved ones
DON’T GET IT
“Oh you said you were fine. How was I supposed to know you would feel suicidal if I yelled at you?”
“I thought you were okay. How was I supposed to know saying the house is a mess would make you throw a spatula?”
“Wait..are you crying?….About this?”
“You aren’t depressed right so why are you acting so crazy?”
How bad does it suck to tell people that they need to treat you like you have a…
a chronic illness….
Because we don’t want it to be true
and we want Bipolar to be something that doesn’t need to be treated like that.
But it is.
And if we and they could just understand it.
We could suffer less.
There is freedom in the truth..
I have a disability
I have a chronic illness
My life is not like yours
I cannot do what you can do
But because this disability and this disorderment
stems from the fact that
I have a
I can also do, feel, think, know, and understand things
So how about a little
how about you
you treat me like I should be able to be like you
You are triggering
And we need to say to ourselves and the people in our lives….
“this IS my best
It might not seem like enough…
but it is all that there is
it is all I can do…
Please notice what I AM doing
Please appreciate everything I bring…
And if you act like my best is not enough…
and you treat me like I should be able to do more…
You will make my brain worse.
I hate to say that….
it is the unfortunate truth of my existence.”
I want to say that my brain is different not disordered
the truth is
my brain difference
disorders my brain
But if you can honor my differences
and appreciate my gifts
and the magic I bring to your life
the stupid mundane shit I can’t do