We are talking about suicide. Trigger
I know so fun
We have to
There is more than one kind of suicidal thought.
one of them is just that habitual perpetual background hum of Bipolar which I have actually written a different post about but it keeps being preempted.
Then there is sort of the more famous of the suicidal thoughts…
the old “the pain is so great I want the fuck out!” thought.
Normal brains have this thought too.
It is a thought born from pain
an escape thought
We live with a lot of pain
we have this thought a lot
But we also have our own special Bipolar brain brand of suicidal thought…
this is the one where your brain starts a “you should be dead” campaign and gets posters and billboards and slogans and signs and camps out in your yard heckling you.
maybe you get actual voices (auditory hallucinations) telling you to do it….suggesting ways…
or maybe it comes in the form of thought intrusions (thereby mascarading as your own self and freaking you out)…telling you to do it and suggesting ways….
Either way it is exhausting and horrifying and confusing
your own brain terrorizing you.
and it actually can become really hard to ignore it…
you don’t want to die
and dementingly enough…even if you don’t feel that much pain…..
But that’s not all and I am sure some of you can see where this is going….
and you’re in trouble
Bipolar is a fucking genius and it wants you dead
so it makes life a living hell for you….causing you to writhe in agony
and then it happily hammers away at you commanding you to kill yourself.
the PERFECT storm.
because right when you feel like the thoughts have subsided you get slammed with a wave of paralyzing tormenting depression…
and then right when you’ve dusted yourself off and found your reason for living …..
the suicidal thought intrusions come racing back in….
and when they are both in you at the same time….
then you are literally
fighting for your life
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that that is some serious business right there.
I have just been sitting here staring at the screen…..
what is there to say
this is it guys
this is Bipolar
This is why it kills people.
Bipolars who are battling this are not just “suicidal”
they are “dying from Bipolar Disorder”
I think it is important to pay attention to the difference between these two types of thoughts…
the pain escape suicidal thoughts
and the Bipolar brain suicidal thought intrusions
I think it is important to figure out which ones you are having.
And I think it is worth trying to explain it to people….
“It’s not that I want to kill myself…..
it’s just that I am afraid
that I will”
This sounds weird.
This is weird.
This is Bipolar.
sign me up for another round of this shit
oh you guys better get in line if you want some because I’m going to take all of this I can get….
There is that humor defense mechanism
I actually don’t know what to say.
I’m not a motivational therapist person
I don’t just say shit about positive thinking and your attitude and gratitude and finding your inner strength and only you can save you
and all of that shit
I have been there
and I know
that none of that shit matters
In this place
this particular intersection of Bipolar
and I don’t want to make shit up to make you feel better
because I know it won’t make you feel better
We don’t want nicely packaged empty encouragement
We want to know that
WE ARE NOT ALONE
we want to know that others of US have beaten it
and we just want our experience to be
and we sure as hell
even if it fucking slices
It is better than insincerity, and trivializing, and brief lonely making attempts at saying something inspiring or encouraging…..
we don’t need that shit.
We need each other
and our stories
and our honesty
“I beat it and you will too”
but let me reach back and think if there is anything that would have helped/helped me….
just for kicks….hmmmmm
not being alone….like physically alone…
having people stay on the phone
that just feels blah to say…..
you know what. The one thing that would have helped me….
if the people who love me had told me not to leave them….that I couldn’t ….
We think we have this choice sometimes even though in this way it is not a choice
having someone say
“No you’re not allowed you HAVE TO stay….”
that might make it feel like someone else was making the decision…someone else was on top of that.
it would help to have a third (or fourth or fifth) voice added to the mix…
so the suicidal thoughts do their thing and then there is also a rivaling force….
I can’t do this anymore I can’t take this
you should just die you know. That’d be better….lets go google ways….
You have to stay with me
..oh god let me go let me out of here…I want to die
funny you should say that because I’ve thought of this awesome new way you could kill yourself
Don’t you ever leave me
I WANT TO DIE
YOU SHOULD KILL YOURSELF
I NEED YOU HERE WITH ME
I honestly can’t think of anything else
don’t stop talking
call your Pdoc
A little bit suicidal is too suicidal
but I’m not an idiot
I know many of us live our whole lives a little bit suicidal
that doesn’t make it okay
It’s not okay.
I paused again.
I’m just having one of those times when I am just so ….I don’t know…. things like sad and angry and dinky little upset about this….
not for me
but for all of us.
that this is the way that it is.
and nobody talks about it LIKE THIS
so I pause and I stare at the screen and I think
there are no words that do justice to this part of Bipolar…
there is no advice that doesn’t sound insipid
there are no suggestions that don’t feel slightly hollow
there are no encouragements that don’t ring slightly desperate and contrived.
It is beyond all of this and only we who have been there really know
I’m really sorry you guys
I am so sorry that you are Bipolar
Oooo I’ve got one!
How about this……
you are not allowed to kill yourself because some crazy girl on the internet just spent her evening writing this shit for you!
So don’t piss me off!
This is not meant to depress you. This is meant to save you.
You are not alone.
WE ALL GO THROUGH THIS
This isn’t you
This is Bipolar
It will pass
don’t look at me like that
it will pass
the one constant thing about Bipolar is that that shit changes
all the time
And actually I think sometimes too many words happen and i don’t know….yeah…..
so here is what I’m going to do
I am going to end with a a quote from a wise veteran Bipolar.
In response to another Bipolar in crisis this woman said…..
“Walk into the ER.
I am suicidal.
Three little words
can save your life”