Three Little Words that Can Save Your Life

We are talking about suicide. Trigger

I know so fun

We have to

We’re Bipolar

SORRY

Anyway

There is more than one kind of suicidal thought.

one of them is just that habitual perpetual background hum of Bipolar which I have actually written a different post about but it keeps being preempted.

.

Then there is sort of the more famous of the suicidal thoughts…

the old “the pain is so great I want the fuck out!” thought.

Normal brains have this thought too.

In pain

It is a thought born from pain

an escape thought

We live with a lot of pain

we have this thought a lot

.

But we also have our own special Bipolar brain brand of suicidal thought…

this is the one where your brain starts a “you should be dead” campaign and gets posters and billboards and slogans and signs and camps out in your yard heckling you.

maybe you get actual voices (auditory hallucinations) telling you to do it….suggesting ways…

or maybe it comes in the form of thought intrusions (thereby mascarading as your own self and freaking you out)…telling you to do it and suggesting ways….

Either way it is exhausting and horrifying and confusing

your own brain terrorizing you.

and it actually can become really hard to ignore it…

even if

you don’t want to die

and dementingly enough…even if you don’t feel that much pain…..

.

But that’s not all and I am sure some of you can see where this is going….

THEY COMBINE

and you’re in trouble

.

Bipolar is a fucking genius and it wants you dead

so it makes life a living hell for you….causing you to writhe in agony

and then it happily hammers away at you commanding you to kill yourself.

.

the PERFECT storm.

.

because right when you feel like the thoughts have subsided you get slammed with a wave of paralyzing tormenting depression…

and then right when you’ve dusted yourself off and found your reason for living …..

the suicidal thought intrusions come racing back in….

.

and when they are both in you at the same time….

then you are literally

fighting for your life

.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that that is some serious business right there.

.

I have just been sitting here staring at the screen…..

.

what is there to say

.

this is it guys

this is Bipolar

This is why it kills people.

Bipolars who are battling this are not just “suicidal”

they are “dying from Bipolar Disorder”

.

I think it is important to pay attention to the difference between these two types of thoughts…

the pain escape suicidal thoughts

and the Bipolar brain suicidal thought intrusions

I think it is important to figure out which ones you are having.

.

And I think it is worth trying to explain it to people….

.

“It’s not that I want to kill myself…..

it’s just that I am afraid

that I will”

.

This sounds weird.

This is weird.

This is Bipolar.

.

yum

sign me up for another round of this shit

oh you guys better get in line if you want some because I’m going to take all of this I can get….

.

There is that humor defense mechanism

.

I actually don’t know what to say.

because

I’m not a motivational therapist person

I don’t just say shit about positive thinking and your attitude and gratitude and finding your inner strength and only you can save you

and all of that shit

because

I have been there

and I know

that none of that shit matters

In this place

this particular intersection of Bipolar

.

and I don’t want to make shit up to make you feel better

.

because I know it won’t make you feel better

.

We don’t want nicely packaged empty encouragement

We want to know that

WE ARE NOT ALONE

we want to know that others of US have beaten it

and we just want our experience to be

VALIDATED

and we sure as hell

want

HONESTY

even if it fucking slices

.

It is better than insincerity, and trivializing, and brief lonely making attempts at saying something inspiring or encouraging…..

we don’t need that shit.

We need each other

and our stories

and our honesty

and our

“I beat it and you will too”

.

.

but let me reach back and think if there is anything that would have helped/helped me….

just for kicks….hmmmmm

not being alone….like physically alone…

having people stay on the phone

hinbklkfsxdxdsjklm mk……………..

nevermind

that just feels blah to say…..

you know what. The one thing that would have helped me….

…..

if the people who love me had told me not to leave them….that I couldn’t ….

.

We think we have this choice sometimes even though in this way it is not a choice

but

having someone say

“No you’re not allowed you HAVE TO stay….”

that might make it feel like someone else was making the decision…someone else was on top of that.

.

And also….

it would help to have a third (or fourth or fifth) voice added to the mix…

so the suicidal thoughts do their thing and then there is also a rivaling force….

as in

I can’t do this anymore I can’t take this

you should just die you know.  That’d be better….lets go google ways….

You have to stay with me

..oh god let me go let me out of here…I want to die

funny you should say that because I’ve thought of this awesome new way you could kill yourself

Don’t you ever leave me

I WANT TO DIE

YOU SHOULD KILL YOURSELF

I NEED YOU HERE WITH ME

.

.

.

I honestly can’t think of anything else

be smart

fight

tell people

keep talking

don’t stop talking

call your Pdoc

.

A little bit suicidal is too suicidal

but I’m not an idiot

I know many of us live our whole lives a little bit suicidal

that doesn’t make it okay

.

It’s not okay.

.

I paused again.

.

Shit guys

.

I’m just having one of those times when I am just so ….I don’t know…. things like sad and angry and dinky little upset about this….

not for me

but for all of us.

that this is the way that it is.

.

and nobody talks about it LIKE THIS

.

so I pause and I stare at the screen and I think

there are no words that do justice to this part of Bipolar…

there is no advice that doesn’t sound insipid

there are no suggestions that don’t feel slightly hollow

there are no encouragements that don’t ring slightly desperate and contrived.

.

It is beyond all of this and only we who have been there really know

.

I’m really sorry you guys

I am so sorry that you are Bipolar

.

.

Oooo I’ve got one!

How about this……

you are not allowed to kill yourself because some crazy girl on the internet just spent her evening writing this shit for you!

So don’t piss me off!

.

This is not meant to depress you.  This is meant to save you.

You are not alone.

WE ALL GO THROUGH THIS

This isn’t you

This is Bipolar

It will pass

don’t look at me like that

it will pass

the one constant thing about Bipolar is that that shit changes

all the time

.

And actually I think sometimes too many words happen and i don’t know….yeah…..

so here is what I’m going to do

I am going to end with a a quote from a wise veteran Bipolar.

In response to another Bipolar in crisis this woman said…..

“Walk into the ER.

Say…..

I am suicidal.

Three little words

that

can save your life”

.

.

.

2 comments

Add Yours
    • bipolarfirst

      Hey, it is hard to reach out…and sometimes we reach out and reach out and get burned and learn to turn inward….

      i hate that we have to expose our vulnerable emotions when we need help with this…because the symptoms look like emotion

      it is amazing to read about others and how they “manage” this…

      thank you also for sharing and blogging and everything

      Like

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