My Bipolar…Myself….for Better and for worse

Coming back to the interesting question of whether or not you would cure your Bipolar if you could…..

I explained what I mean by cure in the linked piece above because it is a complex idea with different meanings….

It is a strange question to ask since most of us

have

always

been

Bipolar

.

In one way or another……

I guess

.

Or perhaps we have forgotten the time before Bipolar began

Maybe we have a definitive line….like postpartum….

Perhaps we look back and can’t tell exactly when it began…..

IF it “began”

or if it

slowly awakened

but regardless many of us feel that we have lived with it forever……

or at least long enough

.

We don’t really have any idea what it is like NOT to be Bipolar…

what we call

normal

stable

balanced

baseline

good

Is still the

normal

stable

balanced

baseline

good

of a BIPOLAR person

.

And amongst ourselves….none of us actually know.

and our normie friends can’t know how to tell us what may be different.

How do you describe what Red looks like to someone who can’t see?

.

This may sounds extreme and imperfect but it is the analogy that has come to my mind….

It almost feels to me the same as if someone asked me if I would like to be cured of being a woman since being a woman can be so damned difficult….

and in being cured of being a woman…i would be turned into a man of course.

I would be like

whoa um NO

I don’t know what that would be like!
I’ve been female my whole life.

How do I know how much would change?

What would I be losing from my internal self?

.

How much of me is me because I am a woman?

.

How much of me is me because I am Bipolar?

What is Bipolar and What is Me?

.

and

This is all I have ever known………………

.

We don’t like to lose our knowns

.

And after doing some genetic testing on the brain I have realized that there are a lot of things that we consider to be “our personality” that are the result of brain structures and chemicals.

And that is beyond Bipolar

that applies to normies as well

.

The world has a lot to learn about the brain.

So once again I am going to speak from my mountaintop of stability (That sounds kind of high and manic)….okay

from my forest clearing of stability….

and say

I would want to stay Bipolar

I am and have Bipolar (yeah both)

for better

for worse

in sickness

and in health

in mania

and depression

as long

as I

shall live

8 comments

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  1. darie73

    Crying again! I don’t know who I am. This makes me sad and angry. I’ve been this way since I was 11 or so. No one wanted to admit there was a problem. It’s ironic that my father is the one who suggested I see a doctor and my mom said no. Her side of the family was filled with mental illness. Her mother, brother and sister. And yes as we found out later herself. How scary it is to not really know who you are, just who you don’t want to be.

    Like

  2. blahpolar

    Ages ago I read somewhere that the difference between personality traits and a psychiatric disorder, is suffering. It makes sense to me, and from that angle, I’d like a cure asap. I can see and appreciate where you’re coming from though, it’s just that I don’t actually want to be alive I guess. So many variables.

    Liked by 1 person

    • AndrewS

      Maybe because I’m still (only) 36, and currently more concerned with my task and burden than my pathetic wretched non-life: I have days I feel like Blah, days I feel like Capers. Shifts minute to minute, really. Certainly no settled view on this blight, this blessing, this storm, this sunlight, this hectic anxious brooding, this profound suffering, these regular falls into twitchy depressed nothingness, this brightness, this doom, this passing strange brain. Fuck it all. Friday afternoon and no place to party, if I survive until spring I am gonna have my very own Bacchanalia, everybody’s invited. In a hour, from overwork, I will be dour and grumpy, scheming to escape, so now shall don headphones and let Sam Cooke dream me into the perfect dance and bootleg party I will not be shimmying at tonight, alas. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-6ChR-oqrA0

      Liked by 1 person

      • bipolarfirst

        I too feel both ways. As I said in a different post, there have times I would have done anything to make it go away….there are always moments as well…..

        As you said there is no settled feeling…..

        Lucky for us we have no choice in the matter anyway

        Liked by 1 person

      • blahpolar

        I’ll admit that people feeling like blah rather than feeling blah. How are you now, LM? Obviously I’m not around as much as usual with my friend here and all, but you’re most definitely not forgotten.

        Liked by 1 person

      • AndrewS

        Hi Q! Right now my coyote friend is sunning himself in the field, twenty feet away, as I work. Becoming homies. Hope you’re enjoying your friends. I figured and hoped you’d be on sabbatical, experiment with the whole non-hermit IRL thing. Oh me, same old, tortured and driven, restraining my hands from burning down this suburb. I do feel like I “get” you, know the straight Blah, no chaser. Happens in the shadowlands between books. Not acutely suicidal unless triggered by a special grief (like divorce), more just a drifting along thinking non-existence would be nicer and easier, but too blah to do anything about it. (Yet.) Like, I could easily die, but still held here by this or that tenuous thread, shucks and sucks, guess I’ll go eat worms. When I finish this stupid book would it be a trademark infringement if I renamed my blog, Blah Fucken Blah Polar the Younger and Dumber: Still No Talking Or Medical Cure For Post-Neolithic Existence, Beam Me Up Boys, Oh You Can’t, Even With Your Martian Probes, Fuck You Then, NASA, It Was Better Anyway When We Stayed On Our Own Planet and Men and Women Rose in the Morning and Shouted Words of Greeting and Encouragement to the Sun. Too long? Not catchy? Enjoy Addo and the Elephants and blow a kiss from afar for me. And a prayer for their survival, poor wonderful fellows. A few more decades at least. Then they go. Then us. Then the sun explodes. Maybe the next water-based planet will keep it Real 😘😘

        Liked by 1 person

      • blahpolar

        Q my ass 😉 I just have one friend here till the 5th and she’s promised to keep him busy if I’ve reached breaking point (no, not busy that way heheh). Having read your view of suicide vs wanting to die and yeah you get me. Lol nope it’s not copyright (or copywrong) on my username – but the younger is good on its own, and is kingly, but dumber? Not a fuck, cos that ain’t you. The rest of your title is way cool and very you. I’ll post photos of elephants for sure 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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