I’m Calling BULLshit on them! Where is OUR voice?

I asked my psychiatrist/therapist about the subject I brought up in the post

Those Therapists and Psychiatrists are so Freaking Rude

and I found the results to be unsatisfactory.

Any of you who have been with me for awhile have heard my sob story of seeing a bazillion incompetent and damaging Pdocs and Ts on my way to finding a decent dude who does both.

He is really great and I have been happy with him

but this my friends,

this pisses me off.

I don’t know how I can blame him too much because it was a question he never saw coming and really had no idea what to do with.

He got out his pad and I said…

“What are you writing?”

he looked up with that deer in headlights face

I think he said something to the effect of

wha wha What?

and I said

“yeah I was just wondering what you guys are writing when you write?”

He said some like vague floundering things..which were basically all of his responses so you can fill in his words.

I went on to explain how I felt like it was unfair and the power imbalance and how they can write down whatever they want and we have no say and how it can and HAS been very damaging for a lot of people

and wouldn’t it just kind of be basic human decency for them to turn it around and allow us to be a part of the record keeping just to make sure that everything was accurate and fair…

he just didn’t know what to say.

He said that we of course have the legal right to see them….

but it isn’t recommended…

“because it kills therapy”



okay what I should have said but that didn’t occur to me until right now when I was brushing out my wet hair…


What Could You Be Writing About Me

that is of such a nature that

We Could Not Carry On

in this “therapeutic relationship”?

What THE FUCK does that paper SAY????????

about ME



AND i should have said…

“actually it kills therapy that you write stuff you won’t let me see”

I mean how am supposed to feel like talking after that?!



and here is a little newsflash for them….

It can’t actually Kill therapy


and is ineffective…

and that’s not my opinion. you can read about that here. It may not be the most awesome article ever but it brings some shit up.



So here is a little idea



and maybe

tHIS should be one of them



We don’t like it

It hurts us

It can have disastrous effects on our lives

on our psyches

on our mental well being

It perpetuates and exacerbates the inherent power imbalance already at play

in this “relationship”

because we will forever be “crazy”

and they will forever be

the doctor (that was said with a snooty voice)



And you know what else kills therapy….

When they look at their notes and tell you something that you DIDN’T SAY.

Now that kills therapy.


You know what else kills therapy……..

the fact that the ones who take insurance are generally not as good as the ones who don’t…

so we the downtrodden suffering “ill” people have to come up with cash and the energy to

go get treatment

and we get


if we do not!

And that is just therapy!

Anybody ever get slammed with the cost of Abilify?????

Not fair

not cool



And you know what else kills therapy?

The fact that it is already totally freaking weird.

I mean we basically pay a stranger to listen to our most personal shit so we don’t burden our loved ones…

sure they are “trained” or whatever but how many people here have ever

Really felt that made a huge difference….

I mean what exactly ARE we getting from this whole set up?


What do they THINK we are getting?


The article linked above mentions that therapists tend to overestimate the amount of good they do in patients lives.

That’s right.

They think they are the bomb.

They think they are like really awesome and really helping us

and we get on the internet and talk to each other about how bad they are…how ineffective…how damaging…how incompetent.

and part of WHY they think this is because



We don’t want to hurt their feelings


the real reason is


if you

question the system

if you demand different treatment

if you don’t agree and comply

if you complain

then THEY can tell YOU that you are


i am very aware that that is not the word they would use but who cares.



This shit is RIDICULOUS


Somebody can go ahead and educate me about why this record keeping is so important and why it has to be like this and how I don’t really understand…



go ahead and do that

I did not go to school to learn how to therapize people

but you know what?


The side of the “mentally ill”

I am on the side


THAT HAS NO VOICE IN making decisions about how

the system that treats us works.


And I am calling



Is it so that they can remember what we say?

Well then do they actually READ their notes because they always forget…

Do they have too many patients that they can’t remember me and my shit?

Is it so we can get passed along to different docs or hospitals.

And IF these records are SO important then why have I switched psychiatrists and therapists collectively(of my now volition)

over twenty times



has EVER

wanted the notes from the previous doctor.



I am sorry but does that not seem really important if in fact these notes are so important.




I am going to ask him again….

yeah on MY DIME I’m going to ask about MY TREATMENT.

Because he never actually told me what it is they write and why

and he is going to have to

or I’m not playing


i am actually considering saying

Show me or Don’t Make notes


What if we did this?

What if we dared DARED ask questions and demand different treatment….

We legally have the right to see them…..

But guess WHAT

We legally have the right to lots of things..

that we DON’T GET

That is the point of all of this discrimination stuff

Would they just write us up as being trouble…

as having issues




in an



Dude wants to see his notes…says he won’t allow me to make notes about him if I won’t show them…must be




We are screwed by being Bipolar…

or by having mental conditions (new word!)

and here we are.

Anything can be blamed on our crazy



Would they refuse to treat us if we refused to allow them to take notes…

would they just make “their own personal” notes after the session.


Oh here is what he did try to placate me with..

he said that ideally the record keeping should be responsible and respectful


tALKING to the Wrong Girl

about that

the shit I’ve SEEN

no way

He said does that help?

I said



here is my thing…

I trust him.

He seems like a good one

What has me talking like this


The Principle Of The Thing


So yeah maybe next time I will say it

I will say

I want to know what you are writing or there will be no writing.


What if we ALL did that?

What if we all made them change this stupid system….this is just a piece of it obviously


Or we could do this….

next appointment…

take a notepad and a pen

and sit there and write

and say

“Just so you know I am writing all kinds of stuff about you on this paper….

what you’re wearing…you’re demeanor….

what “state” I think you’re in. Why I think you are saying what you are saying.

How attentive I think you are being.

Whether or not I feel like you are understanding.

I am rating the quality of your questions…

I am making sure to include when I think you are wasting time talking about irrelevant stuff…

and not listening to me……

oh and I am definitely writing down whether or not you are helping me

at all right now.”


“And I’m not going to let you see it”



Just so you know..

he did concede that I had very valid points


damn straight I do




Add Yours
  1. morgueticiaatoms

    I got a hold of my records when I filed for disability and I was aghast at the things written by former docs and therapists. Things they didn’t tell me about. Like my reaction to Nardil causing a “stroke like event resulting in brain damage.” Like the doctor who decided I was schizotypal based on my appearance (pink hair)and the fact I liked talking about the vampire novel I was writing. Then there was this notation where I tested positive for amphetamines. I dispute it to this day, even demanded a second test, which was denied, but there it is on my record. I’d taken cold medicine cos my cough was keeping everyone awake at night and it’s known for false positives.
    Oh, and the osteopath who practiced psychiatry but didn’t really believe in psychiatric illness. He noted that I was non compliant because I wanted off Zoloft after eight months failed to improve my condition and his Klonopin didn’t do anything for my nerves so I was “drug seeking due to Xanax addiction.”

    They can write anything they want. And that is the imbalance of power and why I have pondered requesting that I be allowed to record the sessions. No dispute over who said what there. I am sure this too would kill therapy. Because then the doctors couldn’t accuse us of being liars because we’re nuts.

    100% agree with this post.

    Liked by 3 people

    • mythoughts62

      Wow. I’ve never thought that my records might be so, uhm, interesting. Maybe they are.

      I didn’t get to see my records when I applied for disability. What I did see was the notes my Dr. made for for the court. I was amazed that I found out that she said I had OCD and severe paranoia. Since then other drs. told me that she was right on the OCD. I still dispute the paranoia.

      Later I saw another psychologist for testing. I didn’t find out until much later when another Dr. read his notes to me to see why it said that I didn’t have bipolar (It’s pretty darn obvious I have bipolar) and I had ADHD and hadn’t told him. I’m not sure about the ADHD, I don’t *think* I have it, but I do have a little bit of the characteristics.

      We should know what they write about us.

      I’m taking medical assisting classes and am in the middle of the class where legalities are discussed. We learned that we have a right to see our medical records and make notes in them ourselves. No exceptions were noted. Someone tell the mental health professionals please!

      Again, we should know what they write about us!

      Liked by 4 people

  2. mythoughts62

    When I asked this years ago, I was told that while we have the right to look at our medical records, therapists and psychiatrists records of any type are different. *Menttal heatlh* records are different. Different because what we see might hurt us. Damage us. Like the illness doesn’t?

    I have never verified the truth of that since I discovered that it’s a widely held belief by professionals and patients around here. I heard once that a friend of a friend was suing to see her records. I don’t know how that came out, being a friend of a friend after all. That was maybe 10 years ago.

    I hope you get to see your records. Maybe I’ll try again someday.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. prideinmadness

    They do write so mean things or notice weird things. The only notes I ever got were fine. I wouldn’t want to see the ones from when I was a teen though… when I start doing individual counselling, as a coumsellor, my notes will be nice.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. bipolarfirst

    I don’t know that I want to see my old records though it might be funny and enraging.

    And it isn’t that I want to SEE what he writes so much as I want to be included in what gets recorded about me. Does that make sense?

    Sure it might damage us. I think it would be very triggering so see what people wrote about you.

    The problem is that it can’t be perfect…it may be that it is hard to do things the way they have been doing them and do things without “damaging” us if we see our records….

    but I would argue that that is just tough because the amount of trauma incurred by irresponsible disrespectful recording that we have no say in weighs more than whatever the benefits are of not seeing them.

    I personally would rather be protected legally and treated respectfully and have my therapy be “less effective”.

    I’m willing to take that loss for respect and protection.


  5. Ava Savage

    When I went on disability for fibro I read notes to the courts where she had said (she was driven here by her husband again). Like I was mental and he had to bring me, instead it was because he was so controlling and didn’t want me saying anything about the way he was treating me to my doctor. I don’t like the way they assume things.


  6. darie73

    Wait your Doctor writes stuff down? That’s new. Mine makes eye contact when speaking to me and I thought that was 100 times better than the others. As far as what Doctors ARE writing done or putting in electronically now, half the time it isn’t even about you it’s about something they forgot to do or a diagnostic code and not specific notes. All of which sucks. What I hate is a Doctor deciding what is important for you to know. My Primary Care Doctor received a MRI report with findings of a 2mm focus of T2 hyperintensity in the right frontal white matter. There is questionable overall decreased volume of white matter for patient’s age. There is enlargement of the lateral and fourth ventricles. Interval follow ups are warranted to ensure lack of progression of Ventriculomegaly. This was 2008. Not one person followed up or told me any of it. T2 hyperintensity is often found in MRI Brain Scans of people with Bipolar Disorder. I forgot I also have a cyst in the sphenoid sinus and the left maxillary antrum. One is close to the brain. Again 2008 and I see it 2013. Still no one has done anything.


  7. Jess Melancholia

    For me my therapist doesn’t take notes at all and she likes to ramble. After my “attempted suicide” last Saturday, she got really concerned and has been calling my husband for advice on what to do. I’m finding out more and more how little these people actually know. I had no idea that when I was manic that hypersexuality was a common symptom for women. Like fucking 50%! I have to find that out from my own personal research! He thinks she is worthless. I’m not sure what to do because I REALLY don’t want to have to shift over to another one (because I’m lazy) but there aren’t any specialized therapists where I live that can understand Bipolar. Unless they aren’t covered under my insurance. Like, my psychiatrist kept telling me that I’m fine. I was trying to tell her I’m bored. Does anyone ever notice that when you are “stable” that life feels meaningless and boring? I fucking hate that yet I don’t want depression. I miss my mania. Things were easier when I was White Manic as you like to put it.


    • bipolarfirst

      Again, yeah no specialists at least not that I have found and I have tried hard.

      Also I don’t think stable is boring…I think we we think is “stable” when we’ve been medded up after a flare up is actually feeling over or incorrectly medicated and the feelings of recovery.

      one. I believe on the right meds many of us find a certain kind of “stability” that is pleasant and enjoyable.

      two. I think that after a bad flare in either direction…it takes your brain a long time to come back to “base” even if base is still fucked. But i think so much of our brain got blown out in the flare (episode) and it just takes a long freaking time to come back to yourself…I actually have a poem about this somewhere.

      three. for me boredom is a big symptom and red flag. when I was on my wrong meds I was as bored as bored can be. And I kept telling everyone that and they kept being like hmmm maybe you need a hobby like knitting and I was like um no I’m not THAT kind of bored. Ugh


    • bipolarfirst

      Have you seen this one Jess, it is called missing mania. You made me think of it. You’ll like it. I quoted it below

      “And we think



      THIS is what I am SUPPOSED to feel like

      This shit sucks

      And then we say….



      It is probably crappy meds but we are still faced with this new reality that Mania is off the menu and everything else tastes like cigarette ash.

      We gaze around incredulously at our nonbipolar friends. It is like we just realized that normal people don’t know that there is a sky.

      We say…”How can you be happy not ever seeing the sky???”

      They stare back at us with a vacant grin, “What sky?”

      We can’t contain our frustration and disappointment and gesture spastically upwards “THE SKY. This whole big Sky up there!!!!”

      They gaze patronizingly back with a look that says ..”oh yeah I remember, you are crazy.””

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Leslie

    I am so lucky with my therapist. She does make notes, but mostly she maintains eye contact while I speak. She has encouraged me to take notes during therapy, and if I ask her what she just wrote, she tells me.

    I think I officially have the best therapist in the world.


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