I asked my psychiatrist/therapist about the subject I brought up in the post
and I found the results to be unsatisfactory.
Any of you who have been with me for awhile have heard my sob story of seeing a bazillion incompetent and damaging Pdocs and Ts on my way to finding a decent dude who does both.
He is really great and I have been happy with him
but this my friends,
this pisses me off.
I don’t know how I can blame him too much because it was a question he never saw coming and really had no idea what to do with.
He got out his pad and I said…
“What are you writing?”
he looked up with that deer in headlights face
I think he said something to the effect of
wha wha What?
and I said
“yeah I was just wondering what you guys are writing when you write?”
He said some like vague floundering things..which were basically all of his responses so you can fill in his words.
I went on to explain how I felt like it was unfair and the power imbalance and how they can write down whatever they want and we have no say and how it can and HAS been very damaging for a lot of people
and wouldn’t it just kind of be basic human decency for them to turn it around and allow us to be a part of the record keeping just to make sure that everything was accurate and fair…
he just didn’t know what to say.
He said that we of course have the legal right to see them….
but it isn’t recommended…
“because it kills therapy”
okay what I should have said but that didn’t occur to me until right now when I was brushing out my wet hair…
What Could You Be Writing About Me
that is of such a nature that
We Could Not Carry On
in this “therapeutic relationship”?
What THE FUCK does that paper SAY????????
AND i should have said…
“actually it kills therapy that you write stuff you won’t let me see”
I mean how am supposed to feel like talking after that?!
and here is a little newsflash for them….
It can’t actually Kill therapy
BECAUSE THERAPY ALREADY SUCKS
and is ineffective…
and that’s not my opinion. you can read about that here. It may not be the most awesome article ever but it brings some shit up.
So here is a little idea
THINGS NEED TO CHANGE ANYWAY
tHIS should be one of them
We don’t like it
It hurts us
It can have disastrous effects on our lives
on our psyches
on our mental well being
It perpetuates and exacerbates the inherent power imbalance already at play
in this “relationship”
because we will forever be “crazy”
and they will forever be
the doctor (that was said with a snooty voice)
And you know what else kills therapy….
When they look at their notes and tell you something that you DIDN’T SAY.
Now that kills therapy.
You know what else kills therapy……..
the fact that the ones who take insurance are generally not as good as the ones who don’t…
so we the downtrodden suffering “ill” people have to come up with cash and the energy to
go get treatment
and we get
if we do not!
And that is just therapy!
Anybody ever get slammed with the cost of Abilify?????
And you know what else kills therapy?
The fact that it is already totally freaking weird.
I mean we basically pay a stranger to listen to our most personal shit so we don’t burden our loved ones…
sure they are “trained” or whatever but how many people here have ever
Really felt that made a huge difference….
I mean what exactly ARE we getting from this whole set up?
What do they THINK we are getting?
The article linked above mentions that therapists tend to overestimate the amount of good they do in patients lives.
They think they are the bomb.
They think they are like really awesome and really helping us
and we get on the internet and talk to each other about how bad they are…how ineffective…how damaging…how incompetent.
and part of WHY they think this is because
WE DON’T TELL THEM THEY SUCK
We don’t want to hurt their feelings
the real reason is
the POWER IMBALANCE
question the system
if you demand different treatment
if you don’t agree and comply
if you complain
then THEY can tell YOU that you are
i am very aware that that is not the word they would use but who cares.
This shit is RIDICULOUS
Somebody can go ahead and educate me about why this record keeping is so important and why it has to be like this and how I don’t really understand…
go ahead and do that
I did not go to school to learn how to therapize people
but you know what?
I am on THIS SIDE
The side of the “mentally ill”
I am on the side
THAT DOESN’T GET ANY SAY
THAT HAS NO VOICE IN making decisions about how
the system that treats us works.
And I am calling
Is it so that they can remember what we say?
Well then do they actually READ their notes because they always forget…
Do they have too many patients that they can’t remember me and my shit?
Is it so we can get passed along to different docs or hospitals.
And IF these records are SO important then why have I switched psychiatrists and therapists collectively(of my now volition)
over twenty times
wanted the notes from the previous doctor.
I am sorry but does that not seem really important if in fact these notes are so important.
I am going to ask him again….
yeah on MY DIME I’m going to ask about MY TREATMENT.
Because he never actually told me what it is they write and why
and he is going to have to
or I’m not playing
i am actually considering saying
Show me or Don’t Make notes
What if we did this?
What if we dared DARED ask questions and demand different treatment….
We legally have the right to see them…..
But guess WHAT
We legally have the right to lots of things..
that we DON’T GET
That is the point of all of this discrimination stuff
Would they just write us up as being trouble…
as having issues
Dude wants to see his notes…says he won’t allow me to make notes about him if I won’t show them…must be
We are screwed by being Bipolar…
or by having mental conditions (new word!)
and here we are.
Anything can be blamed on our crazy
Would they refuse to treat us if we refused to allow them to take notes…
would they just make “their own personal” notes after the session.
Oh here is what he did try to placate me with..
he said that ideally the record keeping should be responsible and respectful
tALKING to the Wrong Girl
the shit I’ve SEEN
He said does that help?
here is my thing…
I trust him.
He seems like a good one
What has me talking like this
The Principle Of The Thing
So yeah maybe next time I will say it
I will say
I want to know what you are writing or there will be no writing.
What if we ALL did that?
What if we all made them change this stupid system….this is just a piece of it obviously
Or we could do this….
take a notepad and a pen
and sit there and write
“Just so you know I am writing all kinds of stuff about you on this paper….
what you’re wearing…you’re demeanor….
what “state” I think you’re in. Why I think you are saying what you are saying.
How attentive I think you are being.
Whether or not I feel like you are understanding.
I am rating the quality of your questions…
I am making sure to include when I think you are wasting time talking about irrelevant stuff…
and not listening to me……
oh and I am definitely writing down whether or not you are helping me
at all right now.”
“And I’m not going to let you see it”
Just so you know..
he did concede that I had very valid points
damn straight I do