I’m going to share a little story….
it involves suicide ideation
but suicide ideation as it is discussed at times by Bipolars with Bipolars……
and my guess is that the mental health pros in the audience…they may be here ya know…maybe be kind of horrified and think how serious and terrible this is.
Hmm story first or all of my words first….
Let’s try story first…..
Once upon a time I was on a different support site where many of the people are amazing compassionate humans (and some of the administrators unfortunately do not seem to be)
and a question was raised by a newbie who was obviously suffering…
His/her question/horrified vent was about the way that even when she feels completely well sometimes….
The SI will just pop into her head….
quick as a flash…
fleeting but terrifying…
gone quick but leaving behind a little bomb of confusion, anxiety, and despair.
Why she asked
Where was this coming from and why?
she couldn’t understand it because she other wise felt fine…..
She rather quickly garnered a large number of replies….
every single one said….
followed by various types of advice and support and encouragement….
what Bipolars do best for each other…
some truly veteran been around the block a million times Bipolars encouraged her that this…
but to watch it and her mood closely…
and she received much encouragement to share it with her therapist or Pdoc…
that is was ok….
she wasn’t a freak
This Is Bipolar.
This person was SO thankful SO relieved
and returned to her state of feeling good and baseline
newly encouraged to not live in so much fear
to not live with so much shame
to feel more
Bipolar normal 😉
This whole exchange struck me as one of the core reasons why we need each other
A therapist could not necessarily have done this for her….
I am sure there are therapists who could have said something similar along the lines of you’re not a freak…this happens…
But I know for me that the one time I brought up something similar to this with a therapist that the “you’re not a freak” ramblings did not assuage my fears about this phenomenon.
I felt relieved by this online exchange as well.
the other reason why we need each other like this is that….
we may be too afraid…
but we Know
we can ask
If you are curious about whether or not a behavior or thought or whatever is “normie “normal”…”
you need to ask your Therapist or Pdoc or survey your friends….
If you want to know whether something is “Bipolar Normal”
as in something that is just part of the daily shitty nitty gritty of Bipolar….
things we may keep to ourselves…
then you need to ask Bipolars
These kinds of thoughts….
the ones that make us feel like legitimately crazy people….
the ones that aren’t ours…
the ones that come out of nowhere….
the ones that are a stark departure from the rest of anything about us…
the ones that are akin to hearing voices….
These are freaky as shit
And when you’ve never had the chance to ask Bipolars
And when you are a newbie
and most of all when you are undiagnosed …..
These random popped up thoughts of things you should do to yourself….
whether to kill yourself..
or hurt yourself…
or just do something really fucking weird…..
These thoughts are the ones you feel you must keep to yourself…..
They are the ones you feel like you can’t tell
that you don’t want to tell
that you are afraid to tell
They are different from the…
“i can’t stop crying”
“I can’t go into parking garages”
“I can’t get out of bed”
“I can’t handle anything”
“I feel like my mind is a fucking chariot race Ben Hur style”
All of those make us feel lame shamed strange and crazy….
But the I keep fantasizing about________________ (not giving you ideas)
That makes us feel InSane
like a legit crazy person.
And we fear that if we admit them out loud….
we will get locked up on the spot!
that someone will be at the door taking our children…
that perhaps the spouse will take the children
that the people who love you will have a huge “HolY!!!! ShiTTT! erection
and freak out on you……
In short we are afraid to out ourselves…..
to out the extent of our crazy.
We are afraid of what we will lose…
Plus it is just hard to say….
who wants to admit they had to hide/remove various objects from their house……
who wants to admit they googled scary shit….
who wants to admit that they have insane compulsions
who wants to admit that there is basically a different voice in your head,
I don’t know about you all
but I find it hard to bring up stuff like that….
I found it especially hard to do this….
before the true diagnosis and also when I didn’t understand Bipolar
and when I was a solitary Bipolar…
with no contact with BipolarWorld
There are two forms of what I am talking about. I will use my own experiences to illustrate the two I mean.
The compulsions…. the thought intrusions.
When I was in the process of realizing I was something um “special” or was having a mixed episode and waiting to see a Pdoc to figure out what was going on…..
I began to be overcome by the compulsion to stab myself in the leg or more horrifyingly my ear with a pen.
Only when I was holding a pen. Which was rather a lot during this time.
This “feeling” “thought” was so obviously not my own.
It was so obviously something else.
and it was so strong.
And I was so confused.
I remember sitting on the couch once holding the pen and having it overcome me so strong that I threw the pen as hard as i could against the wall…..
staring at it like it was a poisonous snake……
This feeling with the pen continued….
with me too afraid to admit it….
Afraid of what the out fall would be.
It disturbed me enough that I got my brave on
and told my therapist
She said it didn’t surprise her that that happened to me…
which was nice in a way….
though embarrassing in another way…
Bipolar was not mentioned.
So I wasn’t able to toss that particular bizarre crappy symptom into my…..
“Oh this is just more Bipolar shit” bin
(that bin is full now. I had to get another one or two)
Because there is a relief in knowing that the shit like this is just another
But the best of the best is hearing your people say
and offer up the advice that worked for them.
that works for you
The Suicide ideation….
You know how it goes….
You feel good… life is great…
You’re driving along….
You are thinking about something innocuous…
then that thought leads to one that goes more like….
wow life is so short…
we all die…
(incoming flood of Bipolar crap!)
I can’t handle this!
I just want to die………
or you’re out with friends…having a good time…
and you realize you are Bipolar and you shouldn’t have another drink and now your sleep is fucked and you think about how it could mess up your balance and…….
(incoming flood of Bipolar crap)
you think I hate this shit
I can’t DO this shit
I really should just kill myself.
What the fuck is that!?!?!
I have the theory of the ruts and marbles….
Brain pathway stuff…
That during depression
and the more depressions that you have…
the more that path gets plowed…
the path that leads to the
I should just die
and so it makes sense to me that it gets
for those marbles
any thought marble
to roll right there.
so don’t be scared……
That is the point of this post!
DON’T BE SCARED
You’re not alone
It’s not YOU
It is Bipolar
Go ahead and tell your therapist and Pdoc
your loved ones
and other Bipolars
No shame no blame
Stick Bipolar Together