This is why we Need to Be Bipolar Together..when Suicide Ideation Intrudes

I’m going to share a little story….

it involves suicide ideation

but suicide ideation as it is discussed at times by Bipolars with Bipolars……

and my guess is that the mental health pros in the audience…they may be here ya know…maybe be kind of horrified and think how serious and terrible this is.

Hmm story first or all of my words first….

Let’s try story first…..

Once upon a time I was on a different support site where many of the people are amazing compassionate humans (and some of the administrators unfortunately do not seem to be)

and a question was raised by a newbie who was obviously suffering…

His/her question/horrified vent was about the way that even when she feels completely well sometimes….

The SI will just pop into her head….

quick as a flash…

fleeting but terrifying…

gone quick but leaving behind a little bomb of confusion, anxiety, and despair.

triggering

Why she asked

How?

Where was this coming from and why?

she couldn’t understand it because she other wise felt fine…..

.

.

She rather quickly  garnered a large number of replies….

every single one said….

ME TOO

.

followed by various types of advice and support and encouragement….

what Bipolars do best for each other…

some truly veteran been around the block a million times Bipolars encouraged her that this…

was

NORMAL

but to watch it and her mood closely…

and she received much encouragement to share it with her therapist or Pdoc…

that is was ok….

she wasn’t a freak

This Is Bipolar.

This person was SO thankful SO relieved

and returned to her state of feeling good and baseline

detriggered

newly encouraged to not live in so much fear

to not live with so much shame

to feel more

normal

Bipolar normal 😉

.

This whole exchange struck me as one of the core reasons why we need each other

A therapist could not necessarily have done this for her….

I am sure there are therapists who could have said something similar along the lines of you’re not a freak…this happens…

But I know for me that the one time I brought up something similar to this with a therapist that the “you’re not a freak” ramblings did not assuage my fears about this phenomenon.

and therefore

I felt relieved by this online exchange as well.

.

Then

the other reason why we need each other like this is that….

we may be too afraid…

to tell

“them”

but we Know

we can ask

US

.

If you are curious about whether or not a behavior or thought or whatever is “normie “normal”…”

you need to ask your Therapist or Pdoc or survey your friends….

If you want to know whether something is “Bipolar Normal”

as in something that is just part of the daily shitty nitty gritty of Bipolar….

things we may keep to ourselves…

then you need to ask Bipolars

.

These kinds of thoughts….

the ones that make us feel like legitimately crazy people….

the ones that aren’t ours…

the ones that come out of nowhere….

the ones that are a stark departure from the rest of anything about us…

the ones that are akin to hearing voices….

These are freaky as shit

.

And when you’ve never had the chance to ask Bipolars

And when you are a newbie

and most of all when you are undiagnosed …..

These random popped up thoughts of things you should do to yourself….

whether to kill yourself..

or hurt yourself…

or just do something really fucking weird…..

These thoughts are the ones you feel you must keep to yourself…..

They are the ones you feel like you can’t tell

that you don’t want to tell

that you are afraid to tell

They are different from the…

“i can’t stop crying”

“I can’t go into parking garages”

“I can’t get out of bed”

“I can’t handle anything”

“I feel like my mind is a fucking chariot race Ben Hur style”

.

All of those make us feel lame shamed strange and crazy….

.

But the I keep fantasizing about________________ (not giving you ideas)

That makes us feel InSane

like a legit crazy person.

And we fear that if we admit them out loud….

we will get locked up on the spot!

that someone will be at the door taking our children…

that perhaps the spouse will take the children

that the people who love you will have a huge “HolY!!!! ShiTTT! erection

and freak out on you……

In short we are afraid to out ourselves…..

to out the extent of our crazy.

.

We are afraid of what we will lose…

relationships

children

jobs

reputation

freedom

love?

.

Plus it is just hard to say….

who wants to admit they had to hide/remove various objects from their house……

who wants to admit they googled scary shit….

who wants to admit that they have insane compulsions

who wants to admit that there is basically a different voice in your head,

I don’t know about you all

but I find it hard to bring up stuff like that….

I found it especially hard to do this….

before the true diagnosis and also when I didn’t understand Bipolar

and when I was a solitary Bipolar…

with no contact with BipolarWorld

.

There are two forms of what I am talking about.  I will use my own experiences to illustrate the two I mean.

.

First….

The compulsions…. the thought intrusions.

When I was in the process of realizing I was something um “special” or was having a mixed episode and waiting to see a Pdoc to figure out what was going on…..

I began to be overcome by the compulsion to stab myself in the leg or more horrifyingly my ear with a pen.

Only when I was holding a pen.  Which was rather a lot during this time.

This “feeling”  “thought” was so obviously not my own.

It was so obviously something else.

and it was so strong.

And I was so confused.

I remember sitting on the couch once holding the pen and having it overcome me so strong that I threw the pen as hard as i could against the wall…..

staring at it like it was a poisonous snake……

.

This feeling with the pen continued….

with me too afraid to admit it….

Afraid of what the out fall would be.

It disturbed me enough that I got my brave on

and told my therapist

.

She said it didn’t surprise her that that happened to me…

which was nice in a way….

though embarrassing in another way…

but

Bipolar was not mentioned.

So I wasn’t able to toss that particular bizarre crappy symptom into my…..

“Oh this is just more Bipolar shit” bin

(that bin is full now.  I had to get another one or two)

.

Because there is a relief in knowing that the shit like this is just another

symptom

of this

“disorder”

“condition”

.

But the best of the best is hearing your people say

me too

me too

me too

and offer up the advice that worked for them.

that works for you

.

.

Okay

Second…

The Suicide ideation….

You know how it goes….

You feel good… life is great…

You’re driving along….

You are thinking about something innocuous…

then that thought leads to one that goes more like….

wow life is so short…

we all die…

(incoming flood of Bipolar crap!)

I can’t handle this!

I just want to die………

.

or you’re out with friends…having a good time…

and you realize you are Bipolar and you shouldn’t have another drink and now your sleep is fucked and you think about how it could mess up your balance and…….

(incoming flood of Bipolar crap)

you think I hate this shit

I can’t DO this shit

I really should just kill myself.

.

What the fuck is that!?!?!
.

I have the theory of the ruts and marbles….

.

Brain pathway stuff…

.

That during depression

and the more depressions that you have…

the more that path gets plowed…

the path that leads to the

I should just die

thoughts…

and so it makes sense to me that it gets

easier

and easier

and easier

for those marbles

any thought marble

to roll right there.

so don’t be scared……

.

That is the point of this post!

DON’T BE SCARED

me TOO

You’re not alone

It’s not YOU

It is Bipolar

.

Go ahead and tell your therapist and Pdoc

your loved ones

and other Bipolars

.

No shame no blame

just Bipolar

.

Stick Bipolar Together

.

.

12 comments

Add Yours
  1. bpnurse

    Here’s what I do with intrusive thoughts: I’ll imagine a cloud of smoke over my head, literally like a brain fart. It ranges from grey to black depending on how bad the thought is. Then I visualize the cloud dispersing and the thought goes away. It’s not foolproof but it works more often than not.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Screaming Jean

    This is awesome, I am really suffering with both these thoughts at the moment big time. They scare me, and I haven’t yet gotten the courage to tell my new doctor, at least reading this I feel less alone. Thank you again for another incredibly open and honest post, much appreciated here!

    Like

    • bipolarfirst

      Thank you SO much for telling me. I always say that it is comments like this that make me open the computer back up when I feel like “who even cares anyway…” (lol I’m Bipolar and sometimes the self esteem leaves the building ya know what I’m saying”

      And yes apparently it is something that happens. YOU ARE NOT ALONE . Wafreakinghoo for Bipolar.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Screaming Jean

        Yeah definitely, don’t stop, you have a real way with how you word your posts and get to the real nitty gritty of bipolar and all the other shit we put up with! I love your blog, it’s a favourite of mine. Thank you.

        Like

  3. darie73

    Last night I checked in on Facebook to see if my hair dresser could tell me what flat iron she uses. I try to stay off of there because it triggers a lot of things. I impulsively decided to post that my Blog about Mental Health and Alcoholism was doing great and had almost 100 followers. It’s 97 but who’s counting? No one on FB knows the name of it or anything I just wanted to put it out there. I was glad I did. A young woman who used to work for me sent me a private message asking if she could have the link to my blog. She told me she was having panic attacks in the market and was a little depressed after having her second baby. Her mother rolled her eyes at her when she tried to talk with her about it and she does see a Psychiatrist but asked if I thought blogging had helped me. I was responsible and made sure her doctor knew how she was feeling now and checked for depression after you give birth. (Sorry I couldn’t spell it! My computer was putting ridiculous shit in!) She was so relieved to have someone that understood. That is why I do it. I read other people’s to feel encouraged and normal. So thank you! Now I have to rant about Quentin Tarantino. 🙂

    Like

  4. lolabipola

    This was my favourite bit…

    “that the people who love you will have a huge “HolY!!!! ShiTTT! erection” – a huge erection???? BWHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh, that made my day!

    Like

  5. lolabipola

    But on a more serious note… YES! Me too. My intrusive thoughts are not my own “voice” – it is very scary, and one needs to kick that shit to the curb ASAP. We need to kick stigma in the nads, and have our voices heard!

    Like

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