I keep thinking about something Sandra said on her blog.
something along the lines of
how can they get it?
what is there to get?
there is nothing to get…………..
we say this all the time…
about how nobody gets it
about how we long for people to “get it”
and I started wondering what it is we mean when we say this
lots of times I think we mean that we want people to get the more outer bones of Bipolar
that it is a physical problem
that we aren’t defective
basiclly that it is a real “disorder”
and that we are “normal” people and not
characters from Girl Interrupted
i feel like a lot of us start to want more
and we want more from our loved
loved ones who have internalized that it IS real
now we want them to know our pain
see our fight
cut us some slack
gjve is a break
tell us we are awesome
listen when we try so hard to verbalized what we feel and need…
maybe want them to not just realize that Bipolar is Real
we want them to understand what Bipolar does to us…
and as we say all of the time
they never really can
because as hard as I try here and you all try out there….
as much language as we can paste on it and throw out there
we all know it doesn’t satisfy
it isn’t enough
there is something else
what is it?
how to describe it
maybe that is just part of the nature of what it is
it is truly unnamable
maybe if I fall back into my thought space and try to feel out words for this thing it will just do us all
a great injustice
because it is something so beyond everything
all of you
know what I am talking about
this is the thing that binds us
that makes us seek each other out
this is the thing that crushes us with loneliness
because when you can’t put words on something
you are trapped alone with it inside a cage
so this unspeakable indescribable inexplicable unknowable thing…
this part of Bipolar
i call it pain sometimes
but that is laughably inadequate
it’s not pain
it is something else
more painful than pain
so how can they get it
we don’t get it
and we can’t tell them.