unspeakable indescribable unknowable Bipolar

I keep thinking about something Sandra said on her blog.

something along the lines of

how can they get it?

what is there to get?

there is nothing to get…………..

.

we say this all the time…

about how nobody gets it

about how we long for people to “get it”

and I started wondering what it is we mean when we say this

lots of times I think we mean that we want people to get the more outer bones of Bipolar

that it is a physical problem

that we aren’t defective

basiclly that it is a real “disorder”

and that we are “normal” people and not

characters from Girl Interrupted

but then

i feel like a lot of us start to want more

and we want more from our loved

loved ones who have internalized that it IS real

now we want them to know our pain

see our fight

cut us some slack

gjve is a break

tell us we are awesome

listen when we try so hard to verbalized what we feel and need…

maybe want them to not just realize that Bipolar is Real

but also

we want them to understand what Bipolar does to us…

and as we say all of the time

they never really can

because as hard as I try here and you all try out there….

as much language as we can paste on it and throw out there

we all know it doesn’t satisfy

it isn’t enough

there is something else

what is it?

how to describe it

maybe that is just part of the nature of what it is

it is truly unnamable

truly indescribable

maybe if I fall back into my thought space and try to feel out words for this thing it will just do us all

a great injustice

because it is something so beyond everything

all of you

know what I am talking about

this is the thing that binds us

that makes us seek each other out

this is the thing that crushes us with loneliness

because when you can’t put words on something

you are trapped alone with it inside a cage

so this unspeakable indescribable inexplicable unknowable thing…

this part of Bipolar

this essence

i call it pain sometimes

but that is laughably inadequate

it’s not pain

it is something else

something

bigger

stronger

more painful than pain

.

so how can they get it

we don’t get it

and we can’t tell them.

.

10 comments

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  1. lolabipola

    Nail. Head. A-Gain! It really is indescribable or incomprehensible when the only frame of reference they have is their own mood and emotional repertoire, right? I may understand, theoretically speaking, what schizophrenia IS, but how that is experienced by someone who lives with it… I have no frame of reference for that. Aside from a little psychosis when I’m manic, but schizophrenia is more than that.

    I think you’re right though – there are actually no words to describe what we experience. I rarely understand my own lived experience of bipolar. I was sitting outside having a smoke the other day, feeling rather blue, thinking “How could anyone understand this. I don’t even understand this. On the face of it, all things considered, my life is pretty good, so why do I hate my fucking life so much?” – I understand the mechanics of depression. I understand the mechanics of mania. I don’t understand the manifestation of either in my lived experience.

    But I will continue insisting that my loved ones try to understand what its like for me. As unknowable as it is, I want others to understand. I feel like you beautiful bipolar bloggers ‘get it’ – or at least experience life similarly to me, which in essence is ‘getting it’… kinda….

    Ok, I’m rambling – I must go now and get ready to meet someone for coffee. Which means I must shower, get dressed, and leave my house *sigh* I hate leaving my house….

    Liked by 1 person

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