Bipolar makes you think YOU Are Gone

I feel like I used to be this deep, moody, interesting girl.

Even in my depressions I was longing, searching, obsessing. Inspired by ideas and truths and feelings.

I just remember this mystical magical sense, quality.

my reflection in the mirror glowing in candle light,

the way my hair felt in my fingers,

rain drops running across a car window.

what felt like hours and hours of thought.

amazing,

deep,

soul stirring thought that would entertain me forever.

I was excited by books, movies, ideas. my mind was always going even when i was down.

chakras, astrology, estoteric science, the mystical ideas of life.

I was open and connected.

I feel like a shell of that girl.

I feel like all of that confusing but wonderful magic and thought has totally dried up.

I feel like all of the spirit is gone and just the neurosis remains.

The poetry, the painting, the deep thoughts are gone and what is left is just mental illness.

I don’t know how to be deep anymore.

I’m not inspired to do anything, read anything, be or become anything.

I’m not inspired by anything.

I remember being dragged around by my moods but I felt more in ownership of it.

It was MY craziness, my moodiness.

It was who I was and I didn’t apologize for it.

I had no real responsibilities so i had the luxury of indulging myself in whatever mood I happened to be in.

there was such longing.

it was like I needed answers or something.

or maybe distraction from my craziness.

I was longing. searching.

I thought I had found all my answers when I got married…. life was sweet. perfect. a dream come true. I was contented and calm and genuinely happy.

then two years later my brain was blasted with a mixed episode the likes of which i had never experienced. nothing has been the same since.

that moody magical girl is gone,

the contented wife and mother is gone.

now I feel like a walking mental illness.

depressed most of the time.

depressed with no depth

no searching

my spirituality is totally gone.

I just watch tv.

I wonder if i still have any magic left anywhere in me.

I’d like to think there was some hidden somewhere.

I’d like to think i’d be happier if i connected in some way to spiritual ideas or something again.

I don’t know how to.

I don’t know where to start.

I feel like it is gone.

of course maybe i wasn’t magic.

maybe i was just mentally ill and dealing with it the best i could.

maybe all that thought and searching was just me coping.

It isn’t like all of that stuff really made me happy.

It just made me a little less restless. it just distracted me.

i just feel like nothing now.

i don’t know where i’ve gone or who i am.

people always talk about all of the good things about people with bipolar.

that we experience the world differently and can create things and all this stuff like that.

but what if you don’t do anything with it?

then what?

then it is just all the bad things about being bipolar.

what is the point?

I used to be creative and interesting and restless and driven and excitable and obsessive and wide open and passionate.

now what?

nothing.

I’m not even that depressed right now.

.

.

.

Hey guys…

Yeah

I wrote that…….

Four years ago!

I rifled around trying to find it because…

I really wanted to show you a perfect example of how Bipolar takes from you…

of how it robs you

how it LIES to you

Yes I wrote that.  I felt like it WAS TRUE every SINGLE word.

HA

It’s not funny because it is sad.  And it happens to all of us.

But I laugh when I see this….

i used to be creative and interesting and restless and driven and excitable and obsessive and wide open and passionate.

now what? nothing.

i’m not even that depressed right now.

Because first of all…holy hell honey you sure are depressed…if not depressed then definitely in a pile of Bipolar crap…obviously.

Second……You guys who have been reading me for awhile…

does this sound like the me you have come to know….

A shell…a walking mental illness…nothing…..?

A girl devoid of all passion, drive, and excitability…..

You better say NO

HA

Do I seem like a person who doesn’t know how to be deep or thoughtful and is never driven or inspired???

So do you see why I shared this?

I mean I can tell you without a waver or a doubt that I feel NOTHING like I did when I wrote that.  NOTHING.

I feel like me.

In fact I feel like a “deep moody interesting girl”…

All of those things I thought were so lost…so gone…have returned to me…

But I remember that….I remember that place…as tears spring to my eyes….as my stomach drops

This is why I am here guys.

to tell you these things

to share these things

it will be better

it will be back

You aren’t gone

You are NEVER gone

It is just Bipolar

Bipolar recovery isn’t recovery…

it is discovery and it is UNcovery

You have to discover new strength…courage…acceptance…awareness….

and you have to Uncover the pieces of you…your truth…your wholeness…your spirit…your magic…that get buried in the rubble..

from the bomb that Bipolar set off in your brain.

You will do it.

And then you will look back at things you wrote and shake your head and laugh and sigh….

and share it with others like you…

and cry

And we will all gain understanding of our truth and knowledge of the real Bipolar

because we let each other know how broken we feel (not are) and how far we’ve come…

I am not a shell of my former self…

I am NOT a walking mental illness (I’d like to smack myself for that one)

I am not nothing

I am crazy and magical and weird and too much sometimes for the people around me but ya know what…..

I love who I am.

.

Obviously a lot of what I was referring to was probably mania….but it is still all mine…so mine…such a part of me….

.

You can take the girl out of mania…but you can’t take the mania out of the girl

.

And I am still into those things and thinking those thoughts…even when not technically manic…just not as obsessively.  And who knows…maybe the mania creeps in and out mildly or maybe my baseline is slightly manic…or maybe it isn’t even mania at all but just the way I am….

and maybe it is all three

and maybe it just doesn’t even matter.

.

My point is….relax a little

hold on

you’re not gone…

you are Bipolar

it feels like you are gone

but you will come back

and it will be better

I know that sounds like a cheesy positive thinking thing

but HEAR ME

I mean people I just said this

i just feel like nothing now.

i don’t know where i’ve gone or who i am.

and

now i feel like a walking mental illness.

depressed most of the time.

depressed with no depth

I GET IT

So maybe you can try to let my words worm their way into your brain just a tiny bit….

Everything you used to be that you now miss you still are

.

YOU STILL ARE

.

And that is another Bipolar truth

.

.

20 comments

Add Yours
  1. Jess Melancholia

    Wow…
    I need to let this “worm into my head” a little. The person you were four years ago sounds just like me right now.

    Lemme come back to this and give you a proper comment. Work is too distracting right now and people are being fucking stupid with me! 😦 I want to see this the way you see it right now.

    Thanks again friend.

    Like

  2. mythoughts62

    So very true. I need to save this for the next time I feel that way.

    I think the manic me is more the real me than any other state. Me at my most pure. Sadly also the irresponsible me, and the me that might crater into a horrible depression.

    Thanks for sharing with us.

    Like

  3. Screaming Jean

    This!!!! I remember it, I remember my love for fashion and design, years ago, but seems like a life time now. It’s gone, my enjoyment of looking through high end magazines and checking out all the runway looks and drawing my own designs and making clothes. Bipolar, has without a single doubt in my mind, taken that away from me. For now. Working full time slowly took every ounce of my myself away, and all I was left with was working, depression and sleep. That’s it. Everyday. Then things got worse, and worse, until completely the illness took over. My highs don’t even let me do anything productive, I think I’m getting shit done but really I’m not, I’m just dreaming up things that never happen. I hate this illness so much, I also hate calling it that. It’s the part of me I hate, that part of my brain. I am not ill, but I don’t know what else to call it you know? Also doesn’t help when therapists, care workers etc keep drilling in how unwell I am.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Screaming Jean

    Thank you for another inspiring post, I hope I can get through my darkness and reach the point where I remember all those good things, even in times of depression, when I was still able to enjoy those little things. Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. lolabipola

    My baseline used to be a bit hypomanic – now its low level depressed. That sucks so much. I’d prefer my baseline to be hypomanic spank you very much! But we all know what prolonged periods of (hypo)mania leads to, so I guess in that case, I’d rather feel…. “normal”? Nahhhhhh – I’ll still take the hypomania…

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Jess Melancholia

    As much as parasitic infections scare the living shit out of me😨, I let the worm in and wander around for a while. This is what I think:
    Like I said, your old self sounds just like me right now. It feels like me:
    “I’m not inspired to do anything, read anything, be or become anything.
    I’m not inspired by anything.”
    That’s how I feel right now.
    Empty. A shell of who I was.
    But one thing is resonating with me right now about this post. It’s the idea of UNcover and recover. To rediscover yourself.
    To me, that’s more inspiring than the “it gets better.” We ALL figure it does (not being mean to you) but in the moment that phrase doesn’t mean anything.
    What I like is that I need to uncover the pieces of me. Because with that phrase. It means I’m still there…in pieces on the floor…
    That gives me not only hope but purpose. It gives me a task and something to actively seek.
    This post gives me that initiative to actively seek myself out.

    You are so right. Bipolar makes us think we are gone. We aren’t. We just need to recover who we are…and pick up the pieces.

    Beautiful. That’s absolutely beautiful!!!👏

    Liked by 1 person

      • Jess Melancholia

        Don’t delete it! It just sounds like a Hallmark card to me. That’s MY opinion. Like you go to the store and find a card that says “Get Well. Be Strong. You can do this!”. That’s it. It’s just a phrase that overused and lost it’s meaning somewhere along the way.
        I love this post. Like I said before, I feel like I’m in church listening to a sermon….only it’s not filled with bullshit :-P. Your words inspire people. Don’t ever stop.

        Liked by 1 person

      • bipolarfirst

        oh my gosh thank you……

        But really i totally agree with you about the get better thing…like i really do. and i get it obviously. i try hard not to say shit that will turn people off. We get enough of that. we really do. i want here to be different. to be a relief form crap like that.

        sometimes i’m streaming along typing away and i don’t know how to say something so i throw down some words and think i’ll come back to hit and then i forget and hit publish and am off to the next thing

        I love your candor

        Liked by 1 person

  7. JR

    Thanks, really. I sorta cried, hard for me to do. I can’t find me. I think me is kinda manic. I miss me. I appreciate you putting into words feelings in my head I cannot get out or articulate.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. morgueticiaatoms

    I think mood stabilizers dampen my swings so much it not only wipes out the mania, it takes the spark that truly is me. At the same time, I’ve had the same address for seven years and am taking care of a child on my own, so the benefits are crystal clear.
    Finding the happy medium between being treated and still being who you are is tightrope act.
    I am glad you’ve found yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Andrew

    Must have this missed. Very powerful. Now THAT is how to spread a little genuine, hard-earned sunlight. (Reflexive rainbow-spewers should audit your blog.) I feel I’m three months into climbing out of the Hole where this post began. Seems like you have four mostly good solid busy cheerful med-eased years of negotiation and re-integration with that first young Capers who disintegrated during the depression. You speak true and it’s nice to have someone blogging who feels pretty solidly on the other side of the Bad Thing, while not at all having lost touch with what IT and how it shadows us all. Crossed fingers for the tribe!

    Like

    • bipolarfirst

      Thank you Andrew

      again you always say things so well

      I have to correct the four years thing though…nope

      maybe two…

      DXed five years ago

      the right meds and a relative amount of stability for two.

      you can do that math I’m sure…

      now i feel emotional ha

      it is a hard hard road

      It is takes a long time to heal your brain and everything else after one of these Bipolar shitstorms

      and then the constant fear that it will happen again

      Liked by 1 person

      • Andrew

        I know it. I’m glad you’ve got two years of relative stability: that’s my long-haul goal. And it gives you great understanding of wha a drag it can be at times to be so constantly vigilant just because our tumbles when we slip or fall become avalanches SO quickly. Anyway, just glad you’re having a time of relative success doing the daily tight-rode capers 🙂

        Like

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