Crappy Meds and Stupid Doctors can be More Dangerous than Bipolar

 

.

.

It is true

When we are trapped in hell

and all we are offered as “help” is

also

hell

.

.

.

it can be very hard to want to keep living

.

.

how is that weird?

.

that seems pretty natural of a response to living in hell with no way out

.

Let me tell you a little story to illustrate my point…

I was unmedicated and crashing hard.

I researched till I was nauseous and came up with a med I really wanted to try.

She said no

She said she would only give me the med that I had been on previously

This was a med that had wreaked havoc on my brain and body and spirit and life.

There was just no way I could put it into my self again

I told her this

she shrugged and sighed and offered up a different one in the same family (I have since come to learn I can’t take any of them)

I asked her if it didn’t have the side effects that had already blasted me with the other med.

She said they were similar

I felt sick.

Literally sick

and deathly devastated.

As I have said before her reasons for denying me the drug I wanted were erroneous and could easily be proven so by the current scientific evidence.

The depth of her wrongness was further proven by five other Pdocs, two other docs, and a Psychologist.

And WHY did I know the current scientific literature on the med…and SHE did not have a clue?

hmmmm

scary

.

Anyway

she let me walk out of her office…

on a beautiful golden day.

let me walk out with the full knowledge that I was in a bad crash…

that I was not well…

She said my way or the high way

and I took the high way

because I knew her way

would kill me

I had no other choice

.

I sat in my car and cried

Cried like I never have

.

It seemed to be that my only two paths in life were pain and suffering and misery

or

pain and suffering and misery

.

How can you not be devastated?

.

.

I tell this story because it isn’t just MY STORY

Unfortunately,

This is where too many of us sit….

this is the reality we face

this is the help we are getting

and

it isn’t good enough

in fact it is the opposite of help

.

They can kill us with their ignorance

with their lack of continuing education

with their lack of care and compassion and openness

.

Bipolar is life and death

this isn’t the time to mess around with people

they have to know what they are talking about!

they SHOULD know what they are talking about!

they have to help

and they have to LISTEN when we say a med is

not working!

.

Listen up docs!

If the med makes us feel horrible…

if it makes us feel worse….

and you tell us that we need to wait and see if it “kicks in” or that there are no other options…

or that all meds have issues or other stuff like that

you are basically telling us that we have no other choice …..

but a miserable life

and you shouldn’t say that to someone.

Because you could BE WRONG

.

.

It is dangerous to be on a med that makes you want to die…………..

.

Isn’t that obvious

.

disclaimer thing. Always stop meds with a doctors supervision!  now i know that lots of times we say we want off and they won’t let us. Why oh why do they give me SO much material? And why oh why do they make it so hard for us?

.

I was going to leave it there but I just heard the 1000th story about some Pdoc saying one thing and then acting like they never said that…changing the story…forgetting the conversation…

and not listening

and NOT letting us off the meds

when they are making us feel worse

as if we are just being stupid and trying to be unmedicated

what makes us WANT to be Unmedicated is when we think that being on meds means feeling like shit

and when the meds don’t really help anything

It is like we hear all of this stuff about it taking awhile to get the right meds etc etc and that it is trial and error and that you have to try a bunch

but then they really drag their feet about taking you off and trying a new one

it is almost like you say….

“this med is making me feel horrible….”

them

“well you’re not depressed anymore so just be grateful”

us (if we were allowed to talk and if it actually helped if we talked)

“but now I feel depressed because the meds are making me feel so horrible and you are telling me that this is just my life now.”

them

“sounds like depression. Let’s increase your dose and add Wellbutrin”

us

sigh

.

They cannot FORCE medicate us.

If the med is damaging…we need off

And if they won’t give us their “blessing” to come off of it…..

.

Well what the HELL are we supposed to do?

.

We know it is bad to go off a serious medication without a doctor’s supervision

sometimes they really screw us

.

If we were willing to risk being written up as difficult or manic or delusional or whatever the fuck we could try saying…

“I AM going to stop taking this.  You can help me or you can leave me in a risky situation alone.  What do you say?”

.

Is this the part where I get honest?

REMEMBER I am just sharing MY story.  This is NOT advice. It is story time!

.

I stopped a couple of meds with no supervision…

yeah I did it

They were killing me.

I felt so horrible

and they weren’t doing anything for me but making me feel worse.

The mixed episode they were originally for had left the building and it was now like wearing a bra with no boobs to put in it.  Pointless and really fucking uncomfortable…horrible

I had reached the end of my rope with them

I obviously needed to be medicated but those were NOT the right meds.

I was in between docs because I had moved.  I tried to wait until I found a new doc…I really tried.

But it was very difficult to find one….then difficult to find one who would see me in less than 8 weeks and then…

when I finally got to see one

she told me that…

SHE WOULD NOT TAKE ME OFF THE MEDS

.

It was pouring down rain outside

And I stood in it not caring

because I was crushed

what was the point

I felt so hopeless

so powerless

but then I thought….

.

.

FUCK THAT SHIT

.

And started cutting them down myself

.

I kept trying to find a new Pdoc

BUT I tapered my meds…

(okay I am lying.  I had already tapered down two of them…eeeeek)

But I started tapering the big one…

the bad one…

as slow as can be….

and you know what…

about 8 days after my last hit of that fucker

I felt relief

for the first time in nine months…

my skin stopped crawling

and my blood stopped buzzing

the profound boredom evaporated

the excruciating anxiety shut up

and what do you think I thought to myself?

.

What is the only logical response to an experience like that?

I tossed those bottles and swore..

NEVER AGAIN

.

I decided Bipolar was better than meds…..

I turned out to be wrong…

because two years later Bipolar had me in a death grip and I had to lunge for a knife(medication) to stab it with.

And you know what?

the right meds have been NOTHING like that first experience

.

And they are SO much better than Bipolar.

.

And again and again I hear this same story.

People have a horrible experience with meds….so they swear off all meds

when really the RIGHT meds might be out there.

Like swearing off men because your first date was a dickhead.

.

They may be out there people.

.

So that is why I hate this thing they do of being reluctant to let us off meds that we hate.

Because it puts us in more danger

One because we may have to go off by ourselves…not good!

and two because we may swear off all meds if they make it a this med or nothing deal.

And beware of the Pdocs I call “Pilers”

these are the ones who will never consider that their original med idea may not be working and instead pile more and more meds on top of them.

also be wary when you are given a “sample” of a drug whose name is all over the walls and pens and clipboards……

where do ya think they got those Abilify pens…those Seroquel pens?

Why do you think they have those samples?

Why the fuck would they need to have Latuda posters on the wall?

I know pharmaceutical reps.

I know people involved in lawsuits.

It ain’t so pretty

and it isn’t all about us.

A lot of it is about

money

of course it is

.

I think to be fair I should tell you a quick little story of when I went off a med WITH a doctor’s help.

just to balance it out

I wanted off the med and he was happy to take me off.

It was a benzo.

People love to hate ’em and hate to love ’em.

I asked him how I should go off.

He told me to just stop.  That the dose was so small that I wouldn’t have any problems.

I am not stupid and I didn’t believe him so I cut it out over the course of about four days.

Cue…..

anxiety spike

fast smash depression

insomnia

nausea

and the very best part…

intense heart palpitations

.

I stuck it out for a week or so not really connecting it to the benzo

then I caved because of the depression and anxiety and I popped those little magician pills back into my body and wouldn’t yah know?

fixed

.

So I told him that this had happened.

He said that what I experienced couldn’t possibly be from the drug withdrawal since I was on such a small dose.

He told me….

okay back up for this one

This man actually said to me…

.

“IT IS JUST IN YOUR HEAD”

.

.

.

I don’t make this shit up people.

I really do not.

.

I looked at him and said in an incredulous “you have got to be kidding me  I can’t believe you just said that” voice…

“Heart palpitations in my HEAD?”

He smiled and shrugged.

For real.

he smile and shrugged

and then he told me to just stop taking them and not worry about it so much.

I am surprised he did not actually pat me on the head.

.

.

I am not an idiot and I had realized by this point in my life that these people often leave you in dangerous situations forcing you to make medical decisions on your own (I have even more stories!)

So I did what all of us obsessive information hoarders do and I Googled the shit out of this topic.

And then I tapered down as slow as slow can be.  Over the course of about 5 weeks. Until I was literally licking klonopin dust off of the pill splitter.

And I was fine

absolutely fine

no problem at all

and I never even really told him I did that.

I should have fired him at that point just for being so stupid and putting me in danger.

But I could’t be bothered finding another med dealer at the time.

.

oh God guys

I really can’t believe this is what we have.

We are stuck because these rules…like going off meds only with a doctor’s supervision…are in place because that is how we stay safe.

And we need to be smart and safe

if everything worked as planned and promised then that would be great

but it doesn’t

not even close

so we are left in reality

doing our best in a world that isn’t doing it’s best for us

.

Unfortunately

 

we must be wary

we must be on guard

and once again we need to fight for ourselves

we cannot assume they always know what they are doing

we cannot assume that we can trust them fully

.

It is your body

your life

your Bipolar

.

Nobody is going to fight for you

but you

.

like seriously

.

No one but you

 

 

 

 

13 comments

Add Yours
  1. morgueticiaatoms

    Back in the 90’s I was on Effexor and the shrink told me to just quit them cold turkey. What followed was a week of brain zaps, auditory hallucinations, paranoia, and sleeping with a knife under my pillow. I called the psych on call and he was flabbergasted the doc would suggest quitting like that as tapering is required.

    And I cringe every time I see Latuda propaganda. That stuff nearly drove me to suicide and his brilliant idea was to increase the dose. I quit it on my own. And within days I no longer had suicidal thoughts.

    He said Latuda doesn’t cause suicidal thoughts.

    Yeah, we gotta watch our own backs cos these professionals are gonna inadvertently kill us at some point. Good post.

    Like

  2. prideinmadness

    When I was on psych drugs I appreciated it when my doctor would Google the potential side effects. I had already done so but I liked that she admitted she didn’t know about the side effects beyond the typical headache, nausea, constipation etc. I have a long history of all psych drugs making me suicidal so it was important we both know if this could happen so we could track it.

    I can also essentially get whatever drug I want which I find funny and dangerous. My doctor always gave me 2 or 3 options. I know some people can only use certain drugs that their insurance company approves. Could this be the case for you?

    Overall, I don’t trust these drugs and I know that doctors and psychiatrists don’t have a full understanding of what they can do to our minds and bodies. i had to make the decision to stop taking them and never go back because I won’t survive it. I hate it and I hope these drugs can improve. My good days on Effexor made me feel perfect but the suicidal urges and thoughts weren’t worth it. I want it to be worth it.

    Like

  3. Andrew

    I’m with you. I started researched the shit out of meds when i started down this route last year and a half. Blazed through five doctor before I found my companionable dude. I I always tell him what I will try, and discontinue when I want. I’m lucky, he plays along, trusts my intelligence. He likes how we play. So far, it’s worked, I feel like 50% less insane these days, and have 95 pages to prove it. But I’m a terrible example. Because he’s expensive and I chose him. Most people, MOST MOST MOST TRIBALITES, are simply fucked by doctors who don’t care, who don’t know anything, who don’t follow the latest research, and have a God complex to boot. Prob what you should do is just pull a Martin Luther and print this out and hammer it on the locked door of every pdoc in the country. And take along some bipolar friends and do some interviews and make a documentary about it. I can dream.

    Like

  4. mythoughts62

    I got off Effexor, but getting off Geodon was misery. We tapered off it for over a month and the chills, shakes and zaps are still happening 8 weeks later. They pust me on Latuda. I wound up in the phosp for a week, more miserable and suicidal than I’ve ever been in my life. Now I’ve been out 5 days, and I’m just as miserable as when I went in, but not *quite* as suicidal, but a trip to the ER might happen this weekend. I complain about this, and what do I get? A bigger dose of Latuda. I feel worse. Yuck.

    Like

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