It is true
When we are trapped in hell
and all we are offered as “help” is
it can be very hard to want to keep living
how is that weird?
that seems pretty natural of a response to living in hell with no way out
Let me tell you a little story to illustrate my point…
I was unmedicated and crashing hard.
I researched till I was nauseous and came up with a med I really wanted to try.
She said no
She said she would only give me the med that I had been on previously
This was a med that had wreaked havoc on my brain and body and spirit and life.
There was just no way I could put it into my self again
I told her this
she shrugged and sighed and offered up a different one in the same family (I have since come to learn I can’t take any of them)
I asked her if it didn’t have the side effects that had already blasted me with the other med.
She said they were similar
I felt sick.
and deathly devastated.
As I have said before her reasons for denying me the drug I wanted were erroneous and could easily be proven so by the current scientific evidence.
The depth of her wrongness was further proven by five other Pdocs, two other docs, and a Psychologist.
And WHY did I know the current scientific literature on the med…and SHE did not have a clue?
she let me walk out of her office…
on a beautiful golden day.
let me walk out with the full knowledge that I was in a bad crash…
that I was not well…
She said my way or the high way
and I took the high way
because I knew her way
would kill me
I had no other choice
I sat in my car and cried
Cried like I never have
It seemed to be that my only two paths in life were pain and suffering and misery
pain and suffering and misery
How can you not be devastated?
I tell this story because it isn’t just MY STORY
This is where too many of us sit….
this is the reality we face
this is the help we are getting
it isn’t good enough
in fact it is the opposite of help
They can kill us with their ignorance
with their lack of continuing education
with their lack of care and compassion and openness
Bipolar is life and death
this isn’t the time to mess around with people
they have to know what they are talking about!
they SHOULD know what they are talking about!
they have to help
and they have to LISTEN when we say a med is
Listen up docs!
If the med makes us feel horrible…
if it makes us feel worse….
and you tell us that we need to wait and see if it “kicks in” or that there are no other options…
or that all meds have issues or other stuff like that
you are basically telling us that we have no other choice …..
but a miserable life
and you shouldn’t say that to someone.
Because you could BE WRONG
It is dangerous to be on a med that makes you want to die…………..
Isn’t that obvious
disclaimer thing. Always stop meds with a doctors supervision! now i know that lots of times we say we want off and they won’t let us. Why oh why do they give me SO much material? And why oh why do they make it so hard for us?
I was going to leave it there but I just heard the 1000th story about some Pdoc saying one thing and then acting like they never said that…changing the story…forgetting the conversation…
and not listening
and NOT letting us off the meds
when they are making us feel worse
as if we are just being stupid and trying to be unmedicated
what makes us WANT to be Unmedicated is when we think that being on meds means feeling like shit
and when the meds don’t really help anything
It is like we hear all of this stuff about it taking awhile to get the right meds etc etc and that it is trial and error and that you have to try a bunch
but then they really drag their feet about taking you off and trying a new one
it is almost like you say….
“this med is making me feel horrible….”
“well you’re not depressed anymore so just be grateful”
us (if we were allowed to talk and if it actually helped if we talked)
“but now I feel depressed because the meds are making me feel so horrible and you are telling me that this is just my life now.”
“sounds like depression. Let’s increase your dose and add Wellbutrin”
They cannot FORCE medicate us.
If the med is damaging…we need off
And if they won’t give us their “blessing” to come off of it…..
Well what the HELL are we supposed to do?
We know it is bad to go off a serious medication without a doctor’s supervision
sometimes they really screw us
If we were willing to risk being written up as difficult or manic or delusional or whatever the fuck we could try saying…
“I AM going to stop taking this. You can help me or you can leave me in a risky situation alone. What do you say?”
Is this the part where I get honest?
REMEMBER I am just sharing MY story. This is NOT advice. It is story time!
I stopped a couple of meds with no supervision…
yeah I did it
They were killing me.
I felt so horrible
and they weren’t doing anything for me but making me feel worse.
The mixed episode they were originally for had left the building and it was now like wearing a bra with no boobs to put in it. Pointless and really fucking uncomfortable…horrible
I had reached the end of my rope with them
I obviously needed to be medicated but those were NOT the right meds.
I was in between docs because I had moved. I tried to wait until I found a new doc…I really tried.
But it was very difficult to find one….then difficult to find one who would see me in less than 8 weeks and then…
when I finally got to see one
she told me that…
SHE WOULD NOT TAKE ME OFF THE MEDS
It was pouring down rain outside
And I stood in it not caring
because I was crushed
what was the point
I felt so hopeless
but then I thought….
FUCK THAT SHIT
And started cutting them down myself
I kept trying to find a new Pdoc
BUT I tapered my meds…
(okay I am lying. I had already tapered down two of them…eeeeek)
But I started tapering the big one…
the bad one…
as slow as can be….
and you know what…
about 8 days after my last hit of that fucker
I felt relief
for the first time in nine months…
my skin stopped crawling
and my blood stopped buzzing
the profound boredom evaporated
the excruciating anxiety shut up
and what do you think I thought to myself?
What is the only logical response to an experience like that?
I tossed those bottles and swore..
I decided Bipolar was better than meds…..
I turned out to be wrong…
because two years later Bipolar had me in a death grip and I had to lunge for a knife(medication) to stab it with.
And you know what?
the right meds have been NOTHING like that first experience
And they are SO much better than Bipolar.
And again and again I hear this same story.
People have a horrible experience with meds….so they swear off all meds
when really the RIGHT meds might be out there.
Like swearing off men because your first date was a dickhead.
They may be out there people.
So that is why I hate this thing they do of being reluctant to let us off meds that we hate.
Because it puts us in more danger
One because we may have to go off by ourselves…not good!
and two because we may swear off all meds if they make it a this med or nothing deal.
And beware of the Pdocs I call “Pilers”
these are the ones who will never consider that their original med idea may not be working and instead pile more and more meds on top of them.
also be wary when you are given a “sample” of a drug whose name is all over the walls and pens and clipboards……
where do ya think they got those Abilify pens…those Seroquel pens?
Why do you think they have those samples?
Why the fuck would they need to have Latuda posters on the wall?
I know pharmaceutical reps.
I know people involved in lawsuits.
It ain’t so pretty
and it isn’t all about us.
A lot of it is about
of course it is
I think to be fair I should tell you a quick little story of when I went off a med WITH a doctor’s help.
just to balance it out
I wanted off the med and he was happy to take me off.
It was a benzo.
People love to hate ’em and hate to love ’em.
I asked him how I should go off.
He told me to just stop. That the dose was so small that I wouldn’t have any problems.
I am not stupid and I didn’t believe him so I cut it out over the course of about four days.
fast smash depression
and the very best part…
intense heart palpitations
I stuck it out for a week or so not really connecting it to the benzo
then I caved because of the depression and anxiety and I popped those little magician pills back into my body and wouldn’t yah know?
So I told him that this had happened.
He said that what I experienced couldn’t possibly be from the drug withdrawal since I was on such a small dose.
He told me….
okay back up for this one
This man actually said to me…
“IT IS JUST IN YOUR HEAD”
I don’t make this shit up people.
I really do not.
I looked at him and said in an incredulous “you have got to be kidding me I can’t believe you just said that” voice…
“Heart palpitations in my HEAD?”
He smiled and shrugged.
he smile and shrugged
and then he told me to just stop taking them and not worry about it so much.
I am surprised he did not actually pat me on the head.
I am not an idiot and I had realized by this point in my life that these people often leave you in dangerous situations forcing you to make medical decisions on your own (I have even more stories!)
So I did what all of us obsessive information hoarders do and I Googled the shit out of this topic.
And then I tapered down as slow as slow can be. Over the course of about 5 weeks. Until I was literally licking klonopin dust off of the pill splitter.
And I was fine
no problem at all
and I never even really told him I did that.
I should have fired him at that point just for being so stupid and putting me in danger.
But I could’t be bothered finding another med dealer at the time.
oh God guys
I really can’t believe this is what we have.
We are stuck because these rules…like going off meds only with a doctor’s supervision…are in place because that is how we stay safe.
And we need to be smart and safe
if everything worked as planned and promised then that would be great
but it doesn’t
not even close
so we are left in reality
doing our best in a world that isn’t doing it’s best for us
we must be wary
we must be on guard
and once again we need to fight for ourselves
we cannot assume they always know what they are doing
we cannot assume that we can trust them fully
It is your body
Nobody is going to fight for you
No one but you