this is another blast from my past for your enjoyment.
I wrote this about 5 years ago
nightmare nightmare nightmare.
i wish it would all just go away.
i am so tired of all the crap.
of feeling like crap all the time.
of trying and trying
and grasping and grasping
for some shred of well being.
some small feeling of happiness.
before i was desperate for meds because of the agony.
now i want off the meds because of the agony.
in reality i probably needs more meds.
i’m just so sick of it
i’m sick of the word.
i’m sick of the feelings.
i’m sick of the work.
i don’t feel like waking up again tomorrow and trying some more.
i guess i feel like there is a way back….
a way back to some imaginary place that existed at some imaginary time….
i just hate this.
i guess i feel like stopping the meds would be trying to go back in time.
i know how foolish this is cause i know where i was before the meds.
at least when i could drink i had a guarantee of happiness.
without being able to drink and without peace from the meds i am stuck.
i hate it.
i also hate that what i am hearing here is that maybe i’m not medicated enough.
and that sucks.
How can I shelve the issue?
what is my choice?
i get to just struggle for the rest of my life?
i have anxiety.
i couldn’t sleep one whole night cause i was thinking about earthquakes.
i went to a little mall place on saturday and almost turned around five times cause i was so anxious.
The obsessive thoughts are killing me
i just want to be happy.
i just want to not be scared for a minute.
i just want to wake up in the morning and feel like oh good another day.
i think i am depressed
bipolar bipolar bipolar son of a fucking bitch