i just want to wake up in the morning and feel like oh good another day.

.

.

this is another blast from my past for your enjoyment.

I wrote this about 5 years ago

nightmare nightmare nightmare.

i wish it would all just go away.

i am so tired of all the crap.

of feeling like crap all the time.

of trying and trying

and grasping and grasping

for some shred of well being.

some small feeling of happiness.

before i was desperate for meds because of the agony.

now i want off the meds because of the agony.

in reality i probably needs more meds.

i’m just so sick of it

i’m sick of the word.

i’m sick of the feelings.

i’m sick of the work.

i don’t feel like waking up again tomorrow and trying some more.

i don’t.

i guess i feel like there is a way back….

a way back to some imaginary place that existed at some imaginary time….

i just hate this.

i guess i feel like stopping the meds would be trying to go back in time.

i know how foolish this is cause i know where i was before the meds.

at least when i could drink i had a guarantee of happiness.

without being able to drink and without peace from the meds i am stuck.

i hate it.

i also hate that what i am hearing here is that maybe i’m not medicated enough.

and that sucks.
How can I shelve the issue?

what is my choice?

i get to just struggle for the rest of my life?

i have anxiety.

i couldn’t sleep one whole night cause i was thinking about earthquakes.

i went to a little mall place on saturday and almost turned around five times cause i was so anxious.

The obsessive thoughts are killing me

i just want to be happy.

i just want to not be scared for a minute.

i just want to wake up in the morning and feel like oh good another day.

i think i am depressed

bipolar bipolar bipolar son of a fucking bitch

4 comments

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  1. sandracharrondotcom

    I’m happy you reposted this. As usual your writing is pure prose and yet I know the emotions you describe are being yanked from deeply inside of you. You continue to be my hero.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jess Melancholia

    God that sound like me right now. FUCK!!! I wanna feel better -______- . But the thing is posts like this give me hope. I’m so glad you put this out there! Thank you so much! The fact that you went from THAT to THIS gives me hope for my future. You truly are an inspiration. Please don’t ever stop. Please don’t

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Andrew

    My heathen prayer, for several months, before I found the med that helped, was basically: please God who who I don’t and will never believe in, please Spirit of Anti-Matter and Enigmatic Nebulosity, please let me wake up without 24/7 ferocious suicidal obsession/plan/nerving myself. I’m still a pretty wretched unhappy person, but that Bad Thing has been lifted, and I am GRATEFUL. Nor depressed anymore, which I define not as the presence of happiness or the absence of unhappiness, but simply: vitality. Will be nice to have a soupΓ§on in Madison, where rumor has it I won’t have to live like a monk and can be a human being bopping into other human beings. We’ll see now that goes πŸ€”πŸ€” 😳😳 πŸ˜œπŸ˜œπŸ‘«πŸ‘«!!!!

    Like

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