Anybody else had enough of this shit?
It seems like there is a super crappy atmosphere…a lot of bipolar sludge sloshing around lately. A lot of the bloggers are having a hard time….all of them???
and perhaps you guys…my nameless but special to me readers out there are sloshing through the sludge too.
And it seems that the thing that is helping the most right now is the knowledge that it can be bad…so bad…..so very bad
then you fight the way through it.
that things change
that it happens
I get so angry at Bipolar. Not just for me but for all of you and your stories.
I hesitate to tell a story like this one because I don’t want to be accused of being a pink rainbow spewing Hallmark card…..:)
that is not what I want you to take away from this story….
I never want anyone to think that I would ever feel that if you just try harder that you will feel better.
I’m not stupid
I’m legit Bipolar
I know it doesn’t work like that.
I was just remembering a time when I was so down.
I had been feeling better and then the ever familiar Bipolar sucker punch…knocking the wind out of you…crumbling you to your knees…..
And I walked
and I walked and I walked with this pain, this anger, this “depression”.
And I listened to a song on repeat on my IPod. (yes a cheesy girlie song)
And somehow I was able to reach down under all of numb pained tortured broken disordered brain crap and find a feeling.
It wasn’t gratitude
It wasn’t hope
It wasn’t determination
It wasn’t courage.
I was pissed off
totally fucking PISSED OFF
Because here this shit was AGAIN
me thinking “how many times do I have to kill you depression?”
it was a holiday
and instead of being happy with my family
I could barely bring myself to stay upright…to open my eyes in the light
so I walked and walked and walked and I listened to this song
and I fed that pissed feeling
and I felt SO angry at Bipolar
for taking more from me
and now for me this song also makes me think about how we are treated in this totally fucked up “mental health” system
“scared to rock the boat”
“you’re going to hear me……..”
but I just felt the sadness turn to rage…
rage at Bipolar
this feeling began to become almost like a chant that went with my steps and it went…
and I still feel that now
DON’T FUCK WITH ME
and hey you Doctors
DON’T FUCK WITH ME
I have had enough of this SHIT from both of them.
in that moment of the walking…
the feeling just came over me so strong….
I was so angry
and I declared to Bipolar
“you’re not going to win. Do whatever you want to me. You’ll never fucking win”
honestly I have all of the despairing what’s the point thoughts all of the time….
habit bipolar whatever
and I’m totally fucking happy
but I try to remember this feeling.
I try to remember to dredge up this pissed off feeling and hold it like a talisman
I remember the first time I saw a t-shirt that said Bipolar and had the green Bipolar ribbon and under it it said
I was surprised. I had never thought that that was a badge I could wear.
I never considered that that was what I was.
That I had battled something and won
now it seems a tad silly to me to say you have survived a forever “illness”.
but as I say here…
we win every day
every day we get to wear that badge
we are all survivors
we are all fighters
Because we are all here
think about it
you all understand that shittiness that is Bipolar
you all get it
now consider that fact that the majority of us do not ever commit suicide
the majority doesn’t even try
we always hear about how many of us do
but how about taking a look at how many of us don’t
even given what we are put through
this is not a judgement on those who have done it
oh God no that is not at all what I am saying
it is just a different way to think a thought……..
There is a lot of anger in Bipolar
there is a lot of anger AT Bipolar
and there is a lot to be angry about in the way that we are viewed and treated…
We can put this anger to good use if we can harness it
just because we don’t agree with the doc
or ask a question
or demand better treatment
it does NOT mean we are MANIC
and just because we feel discouraged it does NOT mean
we are depressed
There is Bipolar and then there is the shit all around Bipolar and we are battling
ALL of it
We are fucking survivors
And you know what
battling Bipolar doesn’t LOOK like anything
battling Bipolar is not an active sword fighting, boxing, karate chop kind of thing…
battling Bipolar just looks like a person hiding under the covers…
or someone deep breathing at a red light
or a girl walking endlessly around the neighborhood
it doesn’t LOOK heroic
in might even LOOK
but the battle is so bloody
and so internal…..
we have to remember that sometimes it is enough…
that it IS heroic
to just keep existing
in the pain