Don’t.Fuck.With.Me

Anybody else had enough of this shit?

It seems like there is a super crappy atmosphere…a lot of bipolar sludge sloshing around lately.  A lot of the bloggers are having a hard time….all of them???

and perhaps you guys…my nameless but special to me readers out there are sloshing through the sludge too.

And it seems that the thing that is helping the most right now is the knowledge that it can be bad…so bad…..so very bad

and that

then you fight the way through it.

that things change

that it happens

I get so angry at Bipolar. Not just for me but for all of you and your stories.

I hesitate to tell a story like this one because I don’t want to be accused of being a pink rainbow spewing Hallmark card…..:)

but

that is not what I want you to take away from this story….

I never want anyone to think that I would ever feel that if you just try harder that you will feel better.

I’m not stupid

and

I’m legit Bipolar

I know it doesn’t work like that.

so

I was just remembering a time when I was so down.

I had been feeling better and then the ever familiar Bipolar sucker punch…knocking the wind out of you…crumbling you to your knees…..

And I walked

and I walked and I walked with this pain, this anger, this “depression”.

And I listened to a song on repeat on my IPod.  (yes a cheesy girlie song)

And somehow I was able to reach down under all of numb pained tortured broken disordered brain crap and find a feeling.

It wasn’t gratitude

It wasn’t hope

It wasn’t determination

It wasn’t courage.

I was pissed off

totally fucking PISSED OFF

 

Because here this shit was AGAIN

me thinking “how many times do I have to kill you depression?”

it was a holiday

and instead of being happy with my family

I could barely bring myself to stay upright…to open my eyes in the light

so I walked and walked and walked and I listened to this song

and I fed that pissed feeling

and I felt SO angry at Bipolar

for taking more from me

always TAKING

and now for me this song also makes me think about how we are treated in this totally fucked up “mental health” system

“scared to rock the boat”

“agree politely”

“you’re going to hear me……..”

but I just felt the sadness turn to rage…

rage at Bipolar

this feeling began to become almost like a chant that went with my steps and it went…

DON’T

FUCK

WITH

ME

.

and I still feel that now

Hey Bipolar!

DON’T FUCK WITH ME

and hey you Doctors

DON’T FUCK WITH ME

I have had enough of this SHIT from both of them.

.

in that moment of the walking…

the feeling just came over me so strong….

I was so angry

and I declared to Bipolar

“you’re not going to win. Do whatever you want to me. You’ll never fucking win”

honestly I have all of the despairing what’s the point thoughts all of the time….

habit bipolar whatever

and I’m totally fucking happy

for real

but I try to remember this feeling.

I try to remember to dredge up this pissed off feeling and hold it like a talisman

.

I remember the first time I saw a t-shirt that said Bipolar and had the green Bipolar ribbon and under it it said

“Survivor”

I was surprised.  I had never thought that that was a badge I could wear.

I never considered that that was what I was.

That I had battled something and won

now it seems a tad silly to me to say you have survived a forever “illness”.

but as I say here…

we win every day

every day we get to wear that badge

we are all survivors

we are all fighters

Because we are all here

think about it

you all understand that shittiness that is Bipolar

you all get it

now consider that fact that the majority of us do not ever commit suicide

the majority doesn’t even try

we always hear about how many of us do

but how about taking a look at how many of us don’t

even given what we are put through

this is not a judgement on those who have done it

oh God no that is not at all what I am saying

never

it is just a different way to think a thought……..

.

There is a lot of anger in Bipolar

there is a lot of anger AT Bipolar

and there is a lot to be angry about in the way that we are viewed and treated…

We can put this anger to good use if we can harness it

and NO

just because we don’t agree with the doc

or ask a question

or demand better treatment

it does NOT mean we are MANIC

or

MIXED

and just because we feel discouraged it does NOT mean

we are depressed

.

There is Bipolar and then there is the shit all around Bipolar and we are battling

ALL of it

.

We are fucking survivors

.

And you know what

battling Bipolar doesn’t LOOK like anything

battling Bipolar is not an active sword fighting, boxing, karate chop kind of thing…

battling Bipolar just looks like a person hiding under the covers…

or someone deep breathing at a red light

or a girl walking endlessly around the neighborhood

it doesn’t LOOK heroic

in might even LOOK

weak

or pathetic

or weird

but the battle is so bloody

and so internal…..

we have to remember that sometimes it is enough…

that it IS heroic

to just keep existing

in the pain

.

.

.

.

 

 

 

17 comments

Add Yours
      • Jess Melancholia

        HAHAHA. The best part is when Luda says,
        “HEY! You want what wit me?!
        I’mma tell you one time, don’t FUCK wit me! 
        GET DOWN! Cause I ain’t got nothin to lose
        I’m having a bad day, don’t make me take it out on you!”

        Liked by 1 person

      • Screaming Jean

        Omg yes!!!!! Get back mother fucker you don’t know me like that!!!! Get back!!! Ahaha.

        Luda, I love you.

        Another good one is( insert lols here) lil Wayne featuring Eminem – drop the world on your head.

        “So I pick the world up and I’m a drop it on your fuckin’ head, yeah!
        Bitch, I’m a pick the world up and I’m a drop it on your fuckin’ head
        (YEAH) And I could die now rebirth motherfucker
        Hop up in my spaceship and leave Earth
        Motherfucker I’m gone
        Motherfucker I’m gone”

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Screaming Jean

    Amazing post as usual (you must be tired of me saying that by now LOL I just love your writing so much) yes I can second on that, I am feeling very fucking angry at the moment at this illness and for what it has made me lose, there’s no denying I’d have a lot more going on in my life if I didn’t have this illness, but no that’s how it is for me right now until I can reach a level of…..stability. And that’s just tough shit with bipolar, it gives no time frame or a fuck about how fast you want to recover, how much longer I keep asking my brain, I wake up everyday hoping that what feels like this eternal misery will have passed, but no still times ticks on. Shit gets hard, real difficult, some moments I fight it so hard, there is such a war going on in my mind that no one sees.

    Lots of love

    Liked by 1 person

  2. KRIS

    Well said, so real and honest. I’m not sure yet if I consider myself as a survivor. As I trudge through the jungle of grief, I feel the heaviness of depression, the bipolar attitude.

    Like

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