So here is this weird thing.
I know that I just posted my recovery tale from the website Dropping Keys.
And while I was able to use the word…rework my idea of the word “recovery” to mean something that worked in my head and my experience
the truth is that I don’t really believe in recovery as it relates to Bipolar
especially not in the traditional sense.
I can stand by the way that I presented it in the piece.
Recovery as actually being a process of uncovering and discovering and all of that pretty sort of language.
But something hasn’t been sitting with me quite right
I don’t know
I think it is the fact that the front page of my Bipolar website was announcing how “recovered” I am
and the fact that I think that the word is actually sort of detrimental to us Bipolars….and to the others with Atypical Brain Conditions (my new word for mental illness. I’m trying it on)
The word recovery, no matter how much I moosh language around, just still smacks of achievement…of finality..of something being over or ended or healed or gotten over or ….ya know recovered.
And that is not how I actually feel
and that is not what I want to make you guys feel
and I don’t believe “recovery” should be our goal
It makes it seem like if you just TRY hard enough than you can get past Bipolar in some way
that you can get less Bipolar
that you can become better at being Bipolar
and I don’t feel better at being Bipolar
not at all
I just feel more accepting of Bipolar
I just feel less alone in my Bipolar
I just feel like I’m putting the pain of my own Bipolar to use somehow
I don’t feel any less Bipolar
Yes I have been lucky with meds. My second round of trials did succeed in leveling me to a great extent.
Which I know is totally obnoxious and should not be admitted to a group of Bipolars except with the acceptance that tomatoes will be thrown.
But I don’t lie.
And it has not been perfect.
I just mostly have not fallen back to extreme depths I had hit in my last “big one”
and I have so far not experienced the next “big one” that I have nervously been scanning the horizon for….
feeling the way Californians do about earthquakes….
“we’re due to have one…anyday now….”
that could just be luck
Bipolar is cyclical….or not cyclical so much as all over the fucking place…
You seriously never know
and one can always wonder when medication “works” if the episode was just ending anyway
and one can always wonder when the medication doesn’t “work” if the episode simply has not run its full course yet and can’t actually be stopped by the imperfect inadequate meds.
at least I always wonder that
The experience I describe in the post Don’t.Fuck.With.Me. happened while I was on my “right” medication.
I was still very depressed for a long time on my right medication…
just not to the extent I had been at the bottom of my crash. When I was on no medication at all
(though I was taking a homeopathic remedy…no never mind that’s not true…I had lost it….of course…)
And while I have been feeling relatively stable for awhile now I still routinely find myself
in a puddle of my own bizarreness….
in a pit of agitation
in a pool of despondency
wrestling once again with the lies Bipolar tells me
with the regrettable paths it leads me down
with the shame of realizing my brain cannot be trusted
the 100,014th smack in the face letting me know that I am not like other people
that I am not like my friends
that I have a disorder
I know that I use all sorts of other language for Bipolar and I don’t generally like the word disorder.
but sometimes I feel disordered
Let’s be honest
sometimes…a lot of the time
all of the time depending where we are….
Bipolar FEELS like a fucking disorder
When you start to list out all of the life shit you suck at
everything you fail
everything that you cannot do
cannot pull off
when you start to list out
all of the stupid shit you have done
and when you think about all of the
explanations you have given
all of the apologies
all of the regrets you have filed
It is hard not to dig your self a shame burrow and stick your
“I’m a fucking loser” flag at the entrance.
So no. I don’t feel like I have mastered or recovered Bipolar
I don’t feel farther along than anybody else
All I have is that I have listened to many other Bipolars
and I have accepted that I am Bipolar
but it is easier to accept something that you don’t believe is an entirely real construct
It is easier for me to accept that some of us are neurologically atypical and therefore different and gifted in ways but also experience great suffering because of them and that this group of people just has the label “Bipolar” for now…..
than to accept that I have a very specific illness called Bipolar Disorder
but now I am getting deep and word playing and roundabout and I didn’t want to do that in this post
and you know what…. as I wrote that just now I was actually thinking
sure I actually do accept that I have an “illness” too
it is weird but I just do right now
and I just do think it is both
I just wanted to be real with you guys about this word “recovery”
I just wanted to let you know that it makes me feel weird to apply it to myself
and you know what else doesn’t sit right to me…
being described as a “brave woman”
I love the Dropping Keys website and I respect that choice of words
but I just don’t feel like it applies to me.
I might identify with strong
because I believe we are ALL strong badass warriors
not because we are recovering from Bipolar
but because we are HERE every day
and that is Bipolar
we are here everyday
So if recovery is not our goal
than what should our goal be
I don’t know
I think most of us are just striving for days
where we can be free
of the pain
and that is goal enough
that is noble
that is Bipolar