Depression Looks Lazy It Feels Like Death

.

.

There is a thing that comes for us

Here it comes

you know what I mean

you buzz for a few days

you pause and wonder

you think hmmm

is there a down coming?

but no everything is fine

but then you feel it

like a snake slithering up behind you and sliding around your neck

ever so slighlty

and it feels like

tired

but not tired

because

you’re not tired

but so tired

but not tired

and this feeling that feels like tired reaches down from the heaviness around your eyes and chokes up your throat and grabs your heart in a tight tight grip

and you feel tired

dread

bored

dimmed

and everything seems

so

difficult

dread surrounds every chore

the only idea that brings any peace is

lying down

just lying down

just trying not to be

trying not to exist so hard

so strong

if only you could exist just a little bit more lightly

a little bit less

it may work

if only you could avoid everything that hurts

unfortunately everything hurts

whether it is driving to the store

or slicing an apple

or calling the pizza place

it hurts

it is hard

it makes nausea swirl

it makes your head spin

it paralyzes your thoughts

and you just want to

lie down

disappear

stop moving

stop being

hide from this thing that is haunting you

it feels lazy

it looks lazy

it looks selfish

and pathetic

it feels like death has taken over your chest

your throat

your eyes

your brain

a death feeling

not death itself

bleak

and gray

and numb

but the painful kind of numb

and you just want to lie down

it pulls you down

gravity pulls harder on those who are depressed

gravity becomes unbearable when you are depressed

it is not lazy

because

you want

to get up

you want to go to the party

you want to be outside

you would like to make that casserole

or play that game

it doesn’t feel lazy

it feels like a prison

it looks lazy

it feels like a death of life spirit

it makes you want to hide

stop being

lie down

hide

exist a little less

exist a little more quietly

wait for it to pass

hope it misses you

hope it takes what it wants and leaves before too much damage is done

before you go back “there” again

and you have felt it so many times before

the pull

the pull

pulling down

down

down

until all you can do is lie down

lie down

down

and pray it leaves soon

it looks lazy

it feels like

a death

smothering

heavy

fog

life

death

 

 

 

13 comments

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  1. dyane

    Oh, how I wish I didn’t know EXACTLY what this post is all about! You captured depression perfectly, my dear!

    I wish none of us knew what this was like – I find no beauty in depression whatsoever. I’d rather be laughing my ass off….

    Like

  2. sandracharrondotcom

    It’s so sad that all if us are in agreement that we feel this way but it’s so terrific that we have eachieved and know we aren’t going completely crazy. As usual Claya exceptional writing!

    Like

  3. Screaming Jean

    Yeah, pretty much summed me up right now. Why is everything so difficult? Like I’ve spent all day mooching around doing very little, eating very little, and now it’s time to move and make food or something but……just can’t move.

    Like

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