So You Wanna Be Bipolar? Here’s a handy dandy Checklist!

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This is for fun guys

We are pretending that we need to hire people to be Bipolar!

See just a game. NO ONE wants to be Bipolar

To be clear.  No Bipolar would answer true to any of these statements either. This is humor. Designed to convey the suckiness that is Bipolar.  No one is supposed to take away that we actually do this stuff on purpose.  But if a normie liked all this shit than they should trade places with one of us.

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Thank you for your interest in becoming Bipolar. Before we proceed you need to complete this short questionnaire.

These are true or false statements.  Please answer “true”, “false”, or “Are you fucking kidding me?” to each item.

You need to be able to answer “true” to at least 300 of them in order to qualify for the next phase of the program.

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1. I like to cry
2. I prefer to be viewed as an irresponsible violent sex fiend.
3. I am happy when people think I am flaky
4. The risk of fatal rashes thrills me
5. Sometimes I like to say really stupid things without meaning to.
6. I like to only sleep when a separate entity says that I can.
7. I am always happiest when my skin is crawling
8. Sometimes when I am standing on a mountain top watching the sunset I long to just be able to truly hate myself because that would make the moment perfect.
9. I love it when people tell me what to do.
10. Yes. I love to be judged.
11. I wish that people’s opinions of me would change if they knew all about me.
12. I have taken acting classes
13. I love faking it
14. Sometimes I pretend it hurts to smile because that sounds like fun to me.
15. One of my greatest pleasures in life is apologizing for things I didn’t mean to do.
16. When my brain is so fogged up I can’t even get dressed I jump for joy.
17. When I wake up in the morning I am overcome with the desire to take large quantities of psychiatric medication
18. I like to cry in the shower.
19. Gaining weight is fun for me.
20. I love to hear people say the word Diabetes
21. I get jealous listening to other people talk about their “Pdocs”
22. I want to start conversations with… “during my last episode…”
23.  I would really like it if I had to go on the internet and find strangers to talk to because I was the only one like me in my real life.
24. I love to hear people say the word “stigma”
25. I am happiest when I feel like nobody cares about me.
26. I want you to tell me to do yoga.
27. I want you to tell me to do yoga again.
28. I like to cry in my car.
29. I am totally cool with tremors. No problem.
30. I would be fine with lying in the dark all weekend
31. I would enjoy thinking about death. Constantly
32. I like the idea of an unknown entity taking over my brain and telling me things
33. Making a fool out of myself makes me very happy.
34. I think painting pictures on the walls at 4 a.m. when I have to be awake by 6 is a perfectly doable.
35. I like guilt
36. I like shame
37. I really like to be embarrassed.
38. I like it when people tell me to do yoga
39. I like breaking my soul with the effort of staying upright while people tell me to try harder.
40. It would be amazing for me if I got to go to many different mental health professionals and share all of my most personal information.
41. Did I mention I love it when other people judge me.
42. I have always wanted to be “ill” chronically
43. I am especially happy when people assume I must be like Angelina Jolie from Girl Interrupted 
44. I love feeling alone.
45. I want you to treat me like an idiot
46. The word stigma thrills me
47. I want advice from other people who have no idea what they are talking about.
48. The day isn’t over until I hate my life
49. I enjoy going to pharmacies
50. I am happy to spend hours on the phone with pharmacists and insurance companies
51. I like listing medications
52. I have always wanted to own a pill cutter
53. I can’t get enough of rolling my eyes at my self.
54. I would prefer never being able to plan anything because I don’t know whether I will be able to handle it when the time comes.
55. I wish I could waste more fresh produce
56. You can never be on too much medication
57. I enjoy being infantilized
58. Sometimes I fill med cases with tylenol and vitamins because I want to feel cool
59. I enjoy being patronized
60. I don’t need all of my civil rights.
61. I like to wear dirty clothes
62. I prefer my home to be messy
63. I enjoy giving some one a shit ton of money so I can talk to myself in front of them.
64. I would especially love it if people judged me for having children.
65. I like to cry on the kitchen floor
66. I have always wanted an extra something in the way of my academic success
67.  I like apologizing for my existence
68. Sometimes I lie in bed at night and wish I wanted to die
69. I need to be reviled in order to feel really alive
70. Pain is awesome
71. No I do not need to feel happy
72. No I do not need to enjoy my life
73. I want to spend hours on the internet
74. I have always wanted to belong to a group of people who have to constantly use the phrase “coming out”
75. I really like to be judged
76. I routinely lie on my bathroom floor for fun
77. I like it when people teach me how to breath
78. I have a shit ton of money to spend on my healthcare
79. I like to be challenged in life. Really challenged. No like REALLY challenged
80. I like it when people say I am weird for being proud of what I have been through
81. Please judge me..oh please.  I just NEED to be JUDGED
82. Sometimes when I am sitting on a gorgeous beach with the sun in my face I like to pretend I really wish I was dead.
83. There is a lot of room in my house for piles of undone laundry
84. I really love the word STIGMA
85. I want you to tell me to do yoga AGAIN
86. I want you to assume I am not trying
87. I like to cry while washing dishes
88. I would LOVE it if I got really bad side effects from medication I HAVE to take.
89. Oh God I just CAN’T STAND IT that people don’t JUDGE ME MORE
90. I love it when people assume I am stupid
91. I want to be called ill
92. I want to be called mentally ill
93. I want to be called mentally ill EVERY FUCKING DAY
94. I wish my brain would betray me
95. I want to use the word psychotic in regards to myself
96. I love to feel like shit
97. I mean I REALLY love to feel like shit
98. I want to be in a unbelievable amount of pain
99. I want to be in an unbelievable amount of pain and not be able to explain it.
100. I want to be in an unbelievable amount of pain and have people assume I am not trying not to be.
101. I want to be in an unbelievable amount of pain while being judged.
102. Yes I will fight Stigma
103. Yes I will fight Stigma even if it means taking big risks.
104. I enjoy not being treated fairly
105. I like to cry while watching TV
106. I want to not understand why I am crying
107. I want my own brain to torture me
108. I am longing for someone to take my happiest memories and label them as  “just another symptom of mental illness”
109. Please give me shit for having a glass of wine. I like that.
110. I love hearing the word Label
111. I am happy when no one understands me
112. I am happiest when no one understands but assumes that they do.
113. I am okay with swearing like a sailor because what I am trying to convey in words is so beyond the scope of normal language.
114. Yeah I want you to judge me for that too.
115. I like to cry in restaurant bathrooms.
116. If you could sprinkle a little derision on your judgement I’d be much happier to eat it.
117. I eat stigma for breakfast
118. I like to be told that meditation will cure my “mental illness”
119. I like being told homeopathy will cure my “mental illness”
120. I like being told Chiropractors can cure my “mental illness”
121. I like being told that a positive attitude will cure my “mental illness”
122. I fucking love to hear the word “mental illness”
123. When I vomit, I vomit stigma
124. I am unbelievably strong in spirit because I battle something no one sees.
125. I can withstand the severest of “emotional” beatings
126. I want people to think I am crazy
127. I want to be a badass mother fucker….
128. I wish I was really fucking awesome.
129. I enjoy feeling isolated
130. I enjoy feeling alienated
131. I enjoy being JUDGED
132. I want people to try to talk me out of my pain
133. I NEED to be stigmatized
134. I would like everything in my life to be harder
135. I want to listen to people on the internet telling me to fight for myself all the fucking time.
136. I have always wanted to experience akathisia. Sounds great.
137. I want to suffer

 

How’d ya do?

humor