Meds Suck You’re Brave as Fuck

I broke my rule of not swearing in the title!  But I just found my rhyme to be too fun to resist. Call me crazy.

Sometimes in the beginning we think that all we do is decide whether or not go on medication

We probably just went through or are in a Bipolar shit storm and we get a diagnosis sticker and we are handed a script

and we hold the power in our hands

to fill it or not

to take them or not

and it isn’t a one time commitment

it is an every day commitment

I once heard someone say that about marriage

so perhaps I am comparing our medication to marriages

that looks like what I am doing

and it is kind of like relationships as well

we try out meds

we try to find one that fits us well

we know that nothing will ever be perfect

we may have one that works pretty well but we’re all like

hmmm should I just settle?

or could there be something better

We may find our perfect match only to have it give out after a couple of years

We may find a med that is generally great but has one glaring defect but we decide it is worth it for the way it makes us feel.

and more than that

the commitment to take meds is an every day commitment

every day we could just….

not swallow it

that easy

and in the beginning

it can be hard to tip them into your hand and put them in your mouth and swallow them down….

every single day

it feels weird

odd

unfamiliar

surreal

.

After awhile it becomes automatic with the surreal moment of realization every once in awhile or once in a lot…

when you really sit in the thought….

“Holy Fuck I am taking this medication because I am Bipolar! Is this really my life? Do I seriously need this?” ya know something like that.

.

And then we get that niggling anxiety/panic  as we drive away for the day…

“DID I TAKE MY MEDS???”

and then we get the oh SHIT moment when we go to take our meds and see the ones from yesterday sitting in the case.

ugh

.

But my actual point of writing this post was that I feel like it is a sucky realization…

at least in the beginning

that meds don’t really fix everything

some of them might fix nothing

some of them might make things worse

some of them may stop working

and that really hard decision to take them at all…

becomes more hard decisions…

decisions to swap meds

to up or lower doses

to add others on

It becomes a balancing act of side effects versus benefits

balancing the damage to the rest of our body…liver..kidneys…bones…pancreas with the worth-it-ness of the variable amount of wellbeing we may feel

and then the ECT question…..

and over and over we ask ourselves…

how much can I take…how much can I handle…

as in…I don’t want to be on MORE meds….

so can I handle it this way…this much Bipolar

or do I want to risk taking more meds to try to make it

better

even better

how much is good enough

what should I expect

what should I hope for

.

No easy answers

perhaps no answers  at all

just decisions

over and over again decisions

and I don’t think people realize how much we do manage these decisions

this balance

the general public seems to think it is as simple as you are on meds or you are not and once you are on that decision is over

Nope

.

It seems like most of us at some point or another or at lots of points where we really question our meds.  I think that is just a normal natural thing

and we should be careful

and we should question

.

And it sucks to realize that the meds aren’t actually going to FIX anything.

That you still cycle…

still feel shitty Bipolar crap

still have to be totally careful about balancing our lives and sleep and stress and alcohol etc etc etc

that was annoying to me

I was like “isn’t it bad enough I have to take this shit???”

You mean I ALSO have to never have any fun and watch myself like a hawk?!?

Now I say to my five years ago self…

Yeah honey, you do.

but my five years ago self didn’t want to hear that.

So I learned the hard way that No I cannot stay up drinking and carrying on with friends I haven’t seen for years and NOT have Bipolar beat the shit out of me for the next week or so.

Or months but whatever that’s depressing.

And end up on MORE medication (beware the pilers!)

.

oh and I am just going to add this here because this is something that drives me crazy about Pdocs…..

for many drugs they can take blood and test the level of it in your blood.

So they can see whether or not the dose you are on is getting you to a therapeutic level in your blood.

Therefore it makes sense before increasing or decreasing or adding or swapping meds….

to check your freaking blood levels!

because….and this is some rocket fucking science right here…

if you are feeling like your med isn’t cutting it for you and the test reveals that there is not enough in your blood then OBVIOUSLY a dose increase should be seriously considered.

AND

if your med isn’t cutting it for you and it is at a therapeutic level than that med is probably not your med and you may want to swap or add something else.

AND

it probably goes without saying that if the level is too high….IT COULD BE MAKING YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT with the side effects and yeah I hope your doc would lower your dose.

See what I mean…..cutting edge rocket science

please don’t ask me

WHY THEY DON’T ALL DO THIS OBVIOUSLY BENEFICIAL THING

because I have no good idea

it seems a touch Captain Obvious to me

but this is obviously not the FIRST time I have expressed discontent with the mental health system now is it?

moving on or back to plot or something like that.

.

Meds

they suck

they help

the decisions and managing them never ever end….

it is so damn discouraging

it is another thing we struggle with

hold

deal with constantly and courageously

and silently

and it is invisible

to anyone else’s eye

but we know

.

I have said it before and I am going to say it again….

to everyone of you who has ever stood with that bottle in your hand..

the side effects rippling through your mind…

Bipolar biting at your ankles…

and made the decision to put the pills into your body….

in the name of hope that it might be better

in a desperate grab for a life not riddled with pain and suffering

in the name of love for those for we love and who love us…

You guys are brave as fuck

 

 

8 comments

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  1. M.J.Neely

    SO much truth right here about meds. I never considered how much time I have spent in my life wondering which meds to be on, when to swap, deciding myself, getting ill, being forced – it’s all meds meds meds. x

    Liked by 2 people

  2. asher

    Can we get this printed as a pamphlet for every single psychiatrist’s office and pharmacy in the whole entire universe? 🙂

    It’s funny, even in group therapy, even in the hospital, we never discussed these issues this frankly — even though I know we were all thinking this; all experiencing this stuff.

    You’ve got it all down, here.

    Thank you.

    Like

    • bipolarfirst

      Oh THAnk You. You make me feel all warm and fuzzy!

      Were there doctors at all of these places…a facilitator. I just think we’re never going to talk about this stuff like this in front of them.

      It is the power imbalance. We feel like they are in charge. Like they are the ones who can answer the questions or some shit like that.

      Women didn’t bitch about how men treat them with the men…they did it in secret, in kitchens, in the red tent.

      My Pdoc asked me if I wanted to be part of Bipolar support group he is starting and I almost said “You mean like run it?”

      HA of course he is going to run it.

      I think it would be very interesting. If I said what I wanted to say.

      I feel like I would just try to slip everyone my url undercover.

      Liked by 1 person

      • asher

        You know, I think you’ve got it spot on, and I hadn’t thought of that. There were definitely facilitators, and we were all juveniles at the time, so power dynamics were totally a huge thing. Plus, I’m sure those of us who *had* discussed it in front of a doc had mostly run into what I was experiencing at the time — dismissal of concerns, etc.

        I should try my local by-bipolars-for-bipolars peer support group; I bet it comes up there!

        Like

      • asher

        Yeah, I hear that. I don’t think anyone quite “gets” mania, especially, who hasn’t been there.

        I have still never made it to one of ours — but someday. I think?

        Like

      • bipolarfirst

        yeah Bipolar is just a different thing. Yeah we get depressed so sure we can get some depressed support but it really isn’t the same as talking to other Bipolars and i do think that our depression has some differences too.

        give them my card if you go 😉

        Liked by 1 person

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