Depression does NOT mean that You Don’t Love Your Kids

 

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We Bipolar moms have a special problem

We feel gagged

like we can’t say it

we can’t say how we really feel

because the judgement we face is excruciating

there is NOTHING like being told that

you don’t love your kids

.

Am I right?

.

Nothing

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Especially for those of us who are literally moving heaven and earth to give our kids everything they need from us…physically and mentally and emotionally

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Especially when we know we would take bullets…jump in front of buses

even

beg for MORE Bipolar if it would spare our kids from having it

.

When everything we do, think and feel has them behind it

Every decision

EveryTHING

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When your love for your kids is so strong that…

it scares you

because

gasp

There is another human being that you love more than your own life

and that has enormous ramifications.

and we operate as such

.

So how then do we have the courage when we are low to be honest and say

“I feel no meaning in my life”

“I just want to go to sleep and stay asleep”

“I hate everything”

“I just want to die”

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because to the untrained ear that sounds like we are saying

I don’t love my kids

I don’t care about my kids

My kids are not enough

My kids are not worth it………

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And we would never say that….

because it isn’t true

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But how can we possibly describe

the way they are separate

the way our love for them persists through our darkest dark

how we actually can feel like life is totally meaningless and wish we were dead but…

feel that transcendent swell of perfect love…

feel a fullness of life that surpasses everything else…

a love and a joy that makes no sense in the earthly realm

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But that knowledge of the preciousness of life and the immense blessing that is parenthood…

does not fix brain disorders

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That’s not how Bipolar works

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If we are going to go the comparison route…

Love for your children does not make cancer go away…

does not cure Multiple Sclerosis…

does not make an Epileptic brain not seizure

No one would ever judge a person for still having seizures even though they have children.

.

Love cannot stop Bipolar

Love does not prevent Bipolar symptoms

and that is what thoughts such as

“Life is meaningless”

and

“I wish I was dead”

ARE

they are symptoms of Bipolar Disorder

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So as crazy as it sounds

we hold BOTH

at the same time we carry…

the love for our children

and the symptoms of Bipolar

.

That is how Bipolar works

That is how love works

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But it hurts us so horribly to feel it….

to hear our brains tell us….

“Your life is meaningless”

when we have the most beautiful thing in the world right in front of us

a thing that rocked our world and soul the minute they were shown to us…

our eyes lock with them the first time and we know

everything is different now.

everything

.

And it hurts us to hear our brains say…

“It would be better if I was dead…”

When we have little voices crying for

“mama”

and you rest in the solid certainty that you ARE THE ONE human on the planet that they want the most.

That you are

mother

no one else will do

.

And what really hurts is when our brains do that horrible horrendous thing

where they tell us….

“You know…they really would be better off WITHOUT you.”

now that is a killer

.

literally I think

because that is a lethal Bipolar thought symptom for moms

why?

because we would do ANYTHING for our children

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Hopefully we hold on to the fact that it IS JUST a BIPOLAR THOUGHT SYMPTOM

That thought is not true

That thought is Bipolar getting out the big guns

to try to take us all the way out

because that IS Bipolar’s end game

and Bipolar is a genius

it knows right where to hit us

and it customized this one for us moms

.

And then there is the Bipolar/Depressed mom’s constant thought companion in low times…

it goes something like this…

“If it weren’t for the kids…..”

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Which in my mind I call…

The Bipolar Mom’s suicidal/anti-suicidal thought

on one hand it shows how serious her depression is

on the other hand it shows that she sees meaning and purpose

even though her brain is beating her incessantly with thoughts to the contrary.

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I remember the first time I said this…

it didn’t seem to mean anything especially eventful to me

to me it seemed obvious

it made perfect sense

I was actually surprised by the small gasp from my friend

.

Let me repeat myself because this is my message here

thoughts like

“I want to die”

“Everything is meaningless”

“I feel empty…nothing”

“I wish I was dead”

“The kids would be better off without me”

are all SYMPTOMS of Bipolar disorder…

NOT truths of our HEARTS

.

The truth of our hearts….

the truth is the Love

and truth be told…..

it is a Love

that Bipolar can’t touch

it persists separately

strongly

not in the waters of Bipolar

but

a lighthouse

shining unconditionally and unendingly and confidently

through every storm

every darkness

every attack

.

We can’t help it if people hear those words

and think

THE WORST

about us

that we are

selfish

weak

unfit to parent

that we do not love our children

.

We can’t help that.

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Society is tough on mothers ANYWAY

mothers who brave up and decide to break the damaging silence and say…

“You know what?! Parenting is without a doubt the hardest thing EVER and you know what sometimes I HATE it.  But that has nothing to do with my love for my children.”

But you know what…people accuse non bipolar women who say THAT of being selfish and not loving their children.

Because somehow the thankless day to day parenting is supposed to be rainbows and sunshine ALL the time and if you feel overwhelmed and stressed out and discouraged you are supposed to keep it to yourself.

Because good moms NEVER hate parenting.

But you know what?

Parenting is a JOB

There is being a Parent which is always beautiful and fulfilling

but then there is the nitty gritty daily slog…the WORK of parenting

and who LOVES their job ALL the time?

Who is EXPECTED to love their job ALL the time?

Just parents

I am sure even those who have scored their DREAM jobs…have days they don’t want to go…moments where they feel like failures…job issues that make them want to quit

So why is it fair to judge moms for admitting that the JOB of parenting ISN’T always rainbows and sunshine and perfect naps and bon bons?

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So as Bipolar moms we are DOUBLY screwed

because we already live in a world that judges mothers for admitting that parenting is hard and they are struggling and they sometimes hate it…

and then we tack on the Bipolar

which has us not only feeling like we are failures….

but that we are SUCH EnormoUS failures…

that we should kill ourselves.

.

There is no way we are NOT going to get judged for that.

sigh and smell the stigma

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But we are Not strangers to facing judgement

to facing stigma

and this issue right here is the ultimate test of brave honesty

I have read a lot of the blogs of you Bipolar Moms and I see you all courageously putting forth your truths…your true feelings…your Bipolar thoughts

side by side

with your world as parents

and I am inspired

and I am in awe

and I am grateful

and I am glad

because it must be said

it must be shared

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Sometimes being a Bipolar mother means doing the impossible

literally actually

completely

doing what is impossible

.

People can have physical health conditions AND still LOVE their kids

We can be Bipolar AND love our kids

We can be Depressed AND love our kids

and that should NOT be breaking News to this broken judgmental world

.

I have to run now

my kids need me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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