“If This is Feeling Merry How Much Longer Must It Last”…Bipolar and the Holidays

 

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Depression for the Holidays just blows it big time.

And yet the stress and turmoil and routine changes and family challenges of the Holidays just trigger the damn depression no matter how much breathing and positive self talk you ram down your throat.

so then How the freak are we supposed to NOT get knocked off balance?

Nobody has to answer that!

I’m not interested in an answer and I am sure you aren’t either

I’m not going to write you one of those prolific…

“Five Ways to Stave off the Holiday Blues”

“8 Natural ways to Manage Holiday Stress”

“22 Tips for being a better person and not being a wimp and letting the Holidays makes you feel like Crap”

HA

um no

Can I get a FUCK THAT SHIT from the audience?!?

Great thanks

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My biggest first deep depression was during the Holidays.  I had been depressed before but this was the first time I recognized it as such.

I was home for winter break after my first semester in college and I guess the combination of the tumultuous upheaval of graduating, moving out, living with strangers, navigating a brand new environment, staying up until the wee hours every single night and then being ripped from that environment and tucked back away in my childhood bedroom….

fucked me up big time

and this was the first time I seemed to move down past sad…past melancholy..past philosophically artistically tormented…

to

meaninglessness

and

numbness

.

My first bout with glazed eyed impervious to positive feeling every experience rolling off me like water off a duck…(a really greasy duck)

every single thing I saw was riddled with negative darkness

every book every, every family photo, every house on my street….

for some reason all my brain would let me think about was the death..the darkness…the pain and the crap and the fear…

.

and I was incapable of Pulling Myself Out of It

and for the first time I thought

I must be depressed

.

This would make sense because I had probably been manic for months….considering I had barely slept for months and stayed up all night in the last days before leaving for college painting with my hands.

etc etc etc

.

At this time, I heard this song I have linked below and it struck me.

The opening lyrics stopped me cold because I felt like someone knew…

and I thought…

yeah SERIOUSLY

WHERE IS MY FUCKING MIRACLE!!!!!!!

I WANT ONE OF THESE GOD DAMN MAGICAL SLEIGHS TO CARRY ME ALL THE WAY AWAY

I did feel helpless watching every one be happy and Christmasy

and I was longing to sing too

to play Christmas

And of course the song gets more cheerful…happier as it goes along

so maybe it won’t feel right if you’re in that down place

but at that time I was still so young and so new to this numbed out blackness and the lyrics and music permeated the depression in a weird sad way for those few moments and though I mostly just felt the pain of how beautiful life can be and how sad and scared I was to be feeling so removed from happiness and any kind of contentment…

it also made me feel a sliver of…….something

because when he sang

“My God in Heaven now I feel like I’m Seven”…

I burst into tears

and cried till the end.

.

Oh Bipolar

you son of a bitch

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I am not sharing the song so you can feel a sliver of meaning in your depression.

I am sharing because I want to

because I love this song

and because it is one of the only Christmas songs that doesn’t annoy the fuck out of me when my mood is crap.

Parts of it read like a Bipolar Christmas song

I put the lyrics below and bolded out the parts I feel fit the best.

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I’m going to take a breather from the blog world.  My moods are aswinging with all of this holiday stress/cheer and I have more on my plate than I can handle.

I am putting it in writing rather than just disappearing so that I actually DO take a much needed break.  I SO need to cultivate self discipline in this life time or I am just never going to make it to Nirvana. Ever.

I’ll be back in January or whenever I get my mojo back.

DON’T LEAVE ME!!!!

Come back and read me!!!!

or I’ll get insecure and cry!

Who am I kidding it is totally possible I’ll get some idea and have to write something out before my fingers itch off with the need to get it out….

You just never know with me.

.

LISTEN to my SONG

and hang in there….

people are allowed to be depressed in February

even normies

Everyone expects it.

You just say “Ugh this weather! I don’t want to do ANYthing. Ugh”

and everyone will say “Oh I knnnnnOW”

 

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Peace Love and One Horse Open Sleighs

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Comes the time for christmas
And i really have to ask

If this is feeling merry
How much longer must it last
I wish a one horse open sleigh
Would come carry me away
But i’ve been waiting here all day
And one just hasn’t come my way
Now excuse me if i’m not being reverent
But i was hoping for a miracle to hold me, wash me
Save me from my righteous doubt as i watch helpless
And everybody sings

If it’s chanukah or kwanza
Solstice, harvest or december twenty-fifth
Peace on earth to everyone
And abundance to everyone you’re with
Laha da da da da da
Da da da da da da da da da da da
La da da da da da da da
La da da da da da da da da
Laha da da da da
Laha da da da da
Comes the time for christmas
And as you raise your yuletide flask
There’s like this feeling that you carry
As if from every christmas past
It’s as if each year it grows
It’s like you feel it in your toes
And on and on your carol goes
Harvesting love among your woes

I want to buy into the benevolent
And i was hoping for a miracle to hold me, wash me
Make me know what it’s about
As the longing in me makes me want to sing

 

Noel or navidad
Season celebration or just the end of the year
Christmas can mean anything
And i mean to keep its hope forever near
Laha da da da da da
Da da da da da da da da da da da
La da da da da da da da da
La da da da da da da da da da
Laha da da da da
Laha da da da da
As if a cold and frozen soul is warm to love
By loves own hand
So goes the prayer if for a day peace on earth
And good will to man
At twenty below the winter storm it billows
But the fire is so warm inside
And the children while nestled in their pillows
Dream of st. nicholas’s ride
And how the next day they’ll get up and they will play
In the still falling christmas snow
And together we’ll celebrate forever
In defiance of the winds that blow

My god in heaven now i feel like i’m seven
And spirit calls to me as well
As if christmas had made the winter warmer
Made a paradise from what was hell
As if a cold and frozen soul is warm to love
By loves own hand
So goes the prayer if for a day peace on earth
And good will to man…….
I wish a one horse open sleigh would come carry me away
And i’ll keep waiting through next may
Until christmas comes my way

12 comments

Add Yours
  1. darie73

    If only everyone understood the Holidays then they wouldn’t get their head bit off when calling with such cheer and enthusiasm. If only everyone actually listened to their voicemails or read their texts. The ones that say “in Hospital Kidneys started to fail again I’m scared love you” then I wouldn’t have to swallow down my anger and ignore everyone. What a wonderful world this would be. Happy Holidays to a person who matters and who’s writing makes me feel like I matter.

    Like

  2. izabolinha

    Enjoy what you can about the Holidays , don’t give a ykw to the rest , and we will be right here when you feel like coming back , and wishing we would have done the same as you 😉
    Turtle Hugs 🙂

    Like

  3. mythoughts62

    I like it. I’m so messed up mood wise right now that Christmas hasn’t really made a dent in the emotional turmoil that I’ve been feeling. Or has it? Maybe that’s why I’m having so much trouble getting over this stupid med change mix-up.

    Thanks for sharing the song, and I’ll be waiting for you when you’re back!

    Like

  4. dyane

    Hey there Claya, I took a Twitter break, not sure if you saw me mention that, so I can totally relate to a blog break too! WordPress unsubscribed me from a bunch of blogs, so I’m trying to re-follow & catch up whenever I can. A close friend died a few days ago so that has messed me up. Anyway, take good care of yourself, and I’ll be back on Twitter in January! XO Dy

    Like

  5. sandracharrondotcom

    I should have taken a break. You’re the smart one. Instead I almost had a nervous breakdown over the idea of all the blog posts I wanted to read and the fucking batches of cookies I wanted to make. I got neither done.
    PS: your writing is fabuloso!

    Like

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