CAn You Trust YourSELF?

 

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Ugh I hate bringing this one up

One of the worst parts of Bipolar is not being able to trust yourself….

or rather

your own brain

I have heard it time and time again

People saying…

I feel x, is this real?…or is this Bipolar?

And I don’t think people realize the extent to which it can happen outside of “flare ups”

and I think we always underestimate the power of mini flare ups

times when our Bipolar gets inflamed…

triggered by something maybe

and we just start getting all Bipolar about shit

.

But yes…

I have heard people say that they lose faith in the validity of their own feelings…

their own thoughts and beliefs and ideas

I know this is true for me

and it is one of the ickiest realizations I have in terms of Bipolar

that I am not trustworthy to myself

not because of my character
but because of my Bipolar

.

this is one of the problems that I have with therapy for Bipolar and why I think therapists treating Bipolar need to be extra careful

because what is presenting as an actual issue may not be based in reality

desires that can be born and fueled in Bipolar

and perhaps not meant to be worked through in therapy…

but worked through with meds and time.

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I have hesitated to bring up this point because I fear it makes us sound the kind of crazy that I don’t want people to think we are.

But I don’t want to be ashamed

as it is just another part of this illness

but it does cause shame

so we don’t want to admit it

.

One of the worst things one of my friends ever said to me was

“I don’t know what to believe from you”

This was not entirely fair and based on a misunderstanding

but it struck me just the same

the fact is that my moods were changing…

quickly

and with that comes spiraling confusing ideas and desires and thoughts.

It doesn’t make any sense

it is Bipolar

Bipolar does not try to make sense

.

But we’re not liars

that is not it

we are often being very truthful

too truthful

about the reality we feel in the moment

but the reality “we feel” may not be

the reality that is real

.

writing that shit makes me feel like a crazy person

and if I hadn’t talked to other Bipolars about it I would in fact feel like a twisted nutcase.

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“When you are mad, mad like this, you don’t know it. Reality is what you see. When what you see shifts, departing from anyone else’s reality, it’s still reality to you.”

Marya Hornbacher

 

6 comments

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  1. darie73

    This one hit me in the face. A lot of times I think I’m seeing the “truth” in a situation that everyone else isn’t seeing. Sometimes I am and sometimes I’m not. I am extremely sensitive to other people’s moods, I’m like a sponge. I suck up their same mood/emotion they’re putting out. I can pick up on some things that the people I’m with don’t. It does get me into trouble. Usually with family. When I know something the rest of them never knew. Then they don’t believe me and I have to prove I’m right. I’ve recently stopped doing that. I realized I don’t have to. It does make me feel better when I’m validated and they find out I wasn’t lying. It can be so hurtful. My family has 2 reasons to throw in my face at times. One is my alcoholism and the other is Bipolar. So when someone says they can’t believe you because you’re a “mentally ill drunk” it’s tough to swallow. Even after being sober 7 years.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. morgueticiaatoms

    I feel this, too. I have over time learned when the emotions are overwhelming and I doubt myself…I walk away, let it stew, and if its still bothering me a day or two later…It’s a legit feeling.
    If I can’t even remember why I got so bent…Bipolar.
    It sucks.

    Like

  3. izabolinha

    Thank you for putting it out there !
    This is one of our strangest traits (for lack of a better word) but on the other hand it might make us so oh so clever , by forcing us to take a double , no a triple approach to every thought and feeling that crosses our brain , wouldn’t you think so ?
    (guess I’m on a positive mood today;)
    Turtle Hugs ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. lolabipola

    Gaaahhhh! You said it! This is so true for me. For me, when I’m having “feelings” in a manic episode, and they persist when less manic/stable, then they were real. If they cease, then they were fantasy. It can cause a lot of distress and shame.

    I’m not one for “regret”, but there are certainly numerous instances I have felt ashamed of my behaviour in my past (and future, I’m pretty sure!). And that’s bipolar.

    I love that quote at the end. Our reality, even in the manic moment, is still our reality.

    Like

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