Ugh I hate bringing this one up
One of the worst parts of Bipolar is not being able to trust yourself….
your own brain
I have heard it time and time again
I feel x, is this real?…or is this Bipolar?
And I don’t think people realize the extent to which it can happen outside of “flare ups”
and I think we always underestimate the power of mini flare ups
times when our Bipolar gets inflamed…
triggered by something maybe
and we just start getting all Bipolar about shit
I have heard people say that they lose faith in the validity of their own feelings…
their own thoughts and beliefs and ideas
I know this is true for me
and it is one of the ickiest realizations I have in terms of Bipolar
that I am not trustworthy to myself
not because of my character
but because of my Bipolar
this is one of the problems that I have with therapy for Bipolar and why I think therapists treating Bipolar need to be extra careful
because what is presenting as an actual issue may not be based in reality
desires that can be born and fueled in Bipolar
and perhaps not meant to be worked through in therapy…
but worked through with meds and time.
I have hesitated to bring up this point because I fear it makes us sound the kind of crazy that I don’t want people to think we are.
But I don’t want to be ashamed
as it is just another part of this illness
but it does cause shame
so we don’t want to admit it
One of the worst things one of my friends ever said to me was
“I don’t know what to believe from you”
This was not entirely fair and based on a misunderstanding
but it struck me just the same
the fact is that my moods were changing…
and with that comes spiraling confusing ideas and desires and thoughts.
It doesn’t make any sense
it is Bipolar
Bipolar does not try to make sense
But we’re not liars
that is not it
we are often being very truthful
about the reality we feel in the moment
but the reality “we feel” may not be
the reality that is real
writing that shit makes me feel like a crazy person
and if I hadn’t talked to other Bipolars about it I would in fact feel like a twisted nutcase.
“When you are mad, mad like this, you don’t know it. Reality is what you see. When what you see shifts, departing from anyone else’s reality, it’s still reality to you.”