Blogging is a Triggering Bitch-but some shit just MATTERS

oKAY let me just say it

Blogging is so triggering

maybe not for some of you

but it is for me

for so many reasons

it is sort of a perfect storm of triggeringness

and in the just over 6 months I’ve been blogging I have thought about throwing in the towel. repeatedly. and then I write.

.

first of all there is the incessantly available and stimulating addictive nature of the internet…

whether it is Facebook or pinterest or twitter or instagram or that old fashioned thing…what was it called….oh yeah EMAIL

we get a rush from CHECKING something

we get a rush from new info funneling into our present

I’m not making that up I read an article or heard something on NPR once about that shit…

about how we get all addicted to checking our email because every time we get something new we get a dopamine rush and dopamine has antidepressant properties…and people enjoy that kinda thing. go figure

but now we have so much more than Grandmatime email to check

there is SO MUCH TO CHECK WAHOOOOO

that soon you can be checking and checking and checking until…..

brain fried out in dopamine

or

there isn’t new info incoming

no new comments

no new notifications

no new messages

and then blah

all revved up and bored as shit

c’est ma vie

 

.

And then for me….the obsessive nature of post writing.

.

and then there is the fact that reading and writing and thinking about Bipolar all of the time can be… ya know….rather triggering

.

And then there is the god damn ego insecurity nobody “likes” me part of blogging.

I had nO IDEA this part existed until I was well into it.

When I began the blog I was immersed in a different online community and I was writing for them.

I started it because over and over and over I saw people asking the SAME questions…struggling the SAME struggles…having the same problems…and so I felt like I was writing the SAME things over and over and that generally people liked what I had to say.

And I literally started it in an impulsive moment in the car…parked in my driveway…kids clamoring all around me..whining (obviously)…

frantically trying to find a url/title thing that wasn’t taken….(whatthefuckhowboutbipolarfirst….greatnottaken!)

I had read this post and something snapped in me and I had had it with stigma and so I was like I don’t know what the fuck I am doing but I’ll be damned if I don’t say SOMETHING

I hadn’t really considered blogging about Bipolar before

everybody and their mother was always telling me I should have a blog but they always meant a mommyblog of some sort sharing my funny stories and deep shit thoughts

and I always thought I never would

and do you know why I always thought I never would????

because I thought it would be too Triggering!

I thought it was a dumb idea for a wears her heart as a hat consistently overworked and overwhelmed Bipolar gal

so no mommyblog for me

I HAD  to go and start a BIPOLAR BLOG!

oopsies

silly me

.

And when I began I just wanted to share plain and simple messages.

I thought I’d keep it simple…impersonal…not sarcastic…and I wouldn’t swear.

oopsies

silly me

.

and when I started I got basically all of my hits from this other site

I knew that a blog like this had a small niche

some slightly controversial ideas

perhaps a too “in your face” vibe for some

and that it wasn’t the kind of blog I was going to share with my friends and family…and then expect people to pass on…and post to Facebook and all that kind of thing…like a mommyblog

because this is Bipolar

and “normal” people don’t share and like and want to know about Bipolar

and people who are struggling alone and anonymously with Bipolar don’t share and like and favorite and pin about Bipolar

so I never expected more than some visitors from that other site

and I had NO idea there even was a Word Press Bipolar community

and I didn’t know that it could almost be like a discussion board

and I did not even know there WAS a like button or that I could click it

and I didn’t know that there was all of this social media aspect to it

and I didn’t know that people could “like” me and that I should have likes and followers and comments etc etc etc

I had no clue that there was this kind of aspect of being “successful”

I was just blown away by the feedback I got on the other site

and I was surprised and delighted and moved by the comments I got on the blog itself

and I stayed true to my mantra…

if it matters to one person, it matters to me…I’ve done what I set out to do.

.

I’d love to be able to tell you that I am a mutterfluttering saint and I have been so good at sticking to my mantra that I have never felt the sting of insecurity or doubt

I’d like to tell you that I am tough shit…hard as nails…badass to the core and don’t give a flying fuck what people think of me…

hahahahahaha

here’s the thing

I am actually a human

I know it doesn’t seem like it sometimes (CRAYzee)

but it is true

and rejection feels like shit

humans don’t like it

.

and NOT getting “likes” and NOT getting comments and Not garnering some number of followers or whateverthefuck can feel like a form of rejection I suppose.

because even when you are unaware of the like button…when you realize someone clicked it…you can’t help but LIKE it

I mean I’m not wrong about this

You ALL know what I am talking about…

and I’m not just talking about the bloggers

and for me when I click that like button…I don’t think of it as “like” which is is just superficial and inappropriate for Bipolar blogging…

I think of it as an “I read this. I heard you. I am here.” button.

.

But anyway.  I have read about people with thousands and thousands of followers who get triggered by getting just a few comments on a post.

and by people who have been blogging just a few months and are stinging from having JUST 60 or so followers….

and I’m like DAMN

i’m a loser

because I have been blogging longer and don’t have that many more followers and I am happy to get any comments at all….

and it just all shows that nobody is immune to the feelings

even when you’re very “Successful” (???)

and what is it about it all that makes us feel like that?

 

.

I have had many people say truly amazing things to me about how this blog has impacted them.  Comments and messages that make me fall to the ground Wayne’s World style “I’m not worthy”

things like…..

“We do not know each other in presence, but we recognize each other by common traits. I just can’t think of a word to describe how pleasant it was to read this blog.”

“I love your blog. You are so in touch with everything bipolar. It is so refreshing to be able to read all about how I am feeling. It helps give me words – if that makes sense. You help me organize my thoughts and feelings and put some sort of sense to them.”

that kinda shit is worth all the tea in China….or rather…all the Likes in China

these are the comments I remember when I wonder why I am doing this.

and all of those should and do matter more to me than anything else

because I didn’t start blogging to be a blogger.

I didn’t start blogging because I thought I was a writer

I didn’t start blogging because I wanted to write

I didn’t start blogging because I wanted to express myself

I didn’t start blogging as an outlet for myself

I started it because I thought maybe it would help someone

and because at the moment it was the closest I could get to giving stigma a kick in the teeth.

.

We just all go through so much of the same shit…have the same questions…worry about the same stuff…

and every time someone is newly diagnosed they start at the beginning figuring it all out….

but there are tons of us WHO HAVE BEEN THERE DONE/THOUGHT/ASKED/WONDERED/CRIED ABOUT THAT

I know I have

so I thought I’d write it down

the things I think

I’ve said it before and I will say it again

I wanted to write the blog I needed to find

.

this was supposed to be an honest rant about how triggering and annoying the internet blog world can be. Opening my insecurities in a grand old fashion for ya

but it kind of turned into me lovefesting on my blog

maybe that is good

Thanks to everyone of you

really and truly

.

“Likes” and the like (ha) are temporary and temporal

of the earth

born to die in spectacular flames which reveal the real

.

Honesty and truth

Love and compassion

are what is real

what matters

what lasts

what is solid

.

And that, Bitches!

is what we are talking about up in here!

.

Peace Love and The Shit That Matters

 

 

 

 

 

14 comments

Add Yours
  1. dyane

    You write the things I think but don’t say or write down, and I love you for that!

    I’ve considered giving up or taking a break from blogging, but I feel closer to my blogging friends than my IRL friends (of which I have are few and 99% of them are not local) and I don’t want to lose that connection. I wish I could write a better comment, more profound or whatever but I know you’ll understand…I’m having a shit day today; it’s the anniversary of my Dad’s death, and your cheery tweets of gratitude (so many people who I retweet don’t have your graciousness!!!!!!) made me feel better.

    I’m publishing a whiny post today – I had second thoughts of publishing it- but fuck it! I’m gonna go ahead with it. As you wrote, if it helps one person, then I’ll be happy.

    Off to sip a mocha (extra chocolate of course) in Dad’s honor.

    XOXOXOXOXOXOX

    Dy

    p.s. YOU ROCK!!!!!!! No more breaks for a while, okay? Unless you need to! 😉

    Like

    • bipolarfirst

      Dy,

      I am so sorry about your Dad. I hope this day goes well for you. If it included chocolate that seems like a fighting chance 🙂

      You have been so helpful and sweet and supportive and I think you are a high quality lady. And you rock too of course!

      I am glad that I contribute something to your life with my words. Thank you so much for telling me.

      p.s. I’ll prob need more breaks…I’m all Bipolar like that but I don’t know that I could ever stop.

      Like

  2. izabolinha

    “I read this. I heard you. I am here.” – That is exactly what my Likes mean ; especially when you describe so well what we go through that I get “flabbergasted” (in a good way) by your words and can’t write anything that would make any sense even to you 😉
    Be assured that you are helping a lot of people (and many of them are choosing to keep silent for now , not liking commenting or following , but learning and feeling understood ) .
    Your Blog is One of the Things I’m Giving Thanks for 😉
    Lots of Turtle Hugs and Wishes of a 2016 with more Ups (not too high though 😉 ) than Downs ❤

    Like

  3. darie73

    For a second I thought “I’ve written nice comments. How come they were not mentioned?” lol Then I thought “Ok you are an idiot”. I also am disappointed when I see that no one has read something that took my pudding brain 2 days to put together. But it’s better than being mocked, judged, or having people try to prove you’re wrong about how you feel all the time! That is what I found on other sites. Only here do I find comfort and support. Only here do I find honesty and understanding. There are not many unicorns and rainbows but there is truth.

    Liked by 2 people

    • bipolarfirst

      OH KNOW why did I not Think of THAT!!!

      I was going to put more but then I was afraid people would think I was being all like show offy or whatever…I hesitated and was unsure of doing that at all…plus I didn’t have time to run through all of the comments. Those were two that were separate for diff reasons.

      oh well

      I know you have said amazing things to me and I am so grateful for your presence. It really matters to me.

      I don’t ever want ANY of my readers to think they don’t matter to me. All of you do.

      Liked by 1 person

      • darie73

        I hope you didn’t take me too seriously! If my feelings were hurt every time someone didn’t acknowledge something “brilliant” I wrote or said I wouldn’t be here. lol I’ve been manic for weeks now and think everything I do is brilliant! At least I’m in a place where I can recognize it sometimes. Other times I can’t. Hence my brother in law kicking me out of his house. Not my finest moment. I just appreciate reading someone’s thoughts and experiences that make me feel like I’m not a freak or pretending or just want attention or I’m just too emotional or dramatic etc, etc. It really does wear you down to hear these things over and over for years and years.

        Like

  4. Heather

    Ok. Yeah. I SO know what you are talking about! The likes or lack of bother or matter to me much more than I’d like to admit. I don’t know where the like button for you is, but here you go…*LIKE*

    Like

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