They think I’m just Me…but I’m So much More

The strangest of feelings

it always comes as a surprise to me that I look like a normal person

that I look the way I always have

I have all of my limbs

all my same features

no scars…

no visible signs of suffering at all

no badges

no awards

no honors

nothing that would let on to anyone

what I have been through

what I go through

and this surprises me

because I feel so battered

so sliced

so torn apart by what Bipolar has put me through

that I cannot believe it isn’t visible

that no one can see that part of me

that people just see me going about life and they have

nO idea

who I am

what I am

What I am made out of

What I have been through

and

that even my friends who know me

know that I am Bipolar

and have been there for my journey

even they don’t know me

don’t see it

can’t see it

.

Those times in the blistering bleeding darkness

life rolling right past my face

that unnameable wrapped around my heart

that struggle to stay upright

huddled like in

a dark alley

just the most empty dark battle

I can’t think of words for it but I’m tearing now so that tells you something….

I can’t find it.

Can’t find words that satisfy me

but my point is that I can’t believe that

all of that hasn’t left a mark on me

well it has

it has left a lot of marks

but they are on my heart

on my soul

and probably

in my brain

but I look normal

I look like someone who has never had to worry about much

I look like someone whose biggest worry is finding a good preschool

and

my friends who know don’t even know

they think I’m me

they don’t and will never know the darkness

the deepness

the torture

that I have survived

and that feels weird

and it makes me feel alone

but then you guys know

and you don’t know the me who gets shit done and gets the groceries and is a bridesmaid at other people’s weddings and chit chats about the Holidays with the other moms

you guys only know this me

the Bipolar me

and you all know this alley I am talking about

without me having to find any words for it

and that is really cool

but seriously

how can I still look the same

after what I have been through

?

 

 

9 comments

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  1. dyane

    I TOTALLY relate to this post so much, and I also have different feelings about my identity …..particularly when it comes to people I’ve never met before.

    Here in our little mountain enclave, I’ve been super-out with bipolar since 2008. I’ve been interviewed in the local weekly newspaper that everyone gets for free and delivered to their home mailbox (the article featured a big color picture of me and my girls), I’ve created & heavily promoted several mom with mood disorders support groups, and you know how word gets around about moms with mental illness….

    I’m the “worst case scenario”, the “fucked-up, crazy mommy”, and while a weird part of me is extremely proud of surviving all the shit, the other part is ashamed to be a pariah. Yes. Ashamed.

    I loved being in Tahoe because I was me first. No one knew a thing about my bipolar disorder. (I also knew that eventually reality would kick in and it would come out somewhere, right? But it was sooooo nice to have a break. To do normal shit like ice skate and shop and play in the snow.)

    I’m feeling more beaten down by bipolar lately. I’m still so isolated with it living in this area. Despite creating the support group, I haven’t formed any close friendships yet with anyone in my town. The last friendship I had with another mom up here ended in flames – I ended it because I didn’t trust her and she let me down (of course I see her all the fucking time) and I guess deep down I don’t want to take a risk again. The lame thing is that I made friends with her going into a manic phase & ignored my gut telling me to keep away from her.

    Sorry for going off here ad nauseam…your posts make me think, you see? That’s a compliment because I don’t do this much on other blogs, LOL! I just ramble on my own. Please forgive me for rambling here as well!!!! XOXOXOX

    Liked by 1 person

    • bipolarfirst

      DUDE please do not pISS me off by apologizing for rambling!!!!!!

      ramble away

      that’s what WE DO

      we are the rambling CHAMPIONS

      that is all very interesting about your situation…to be out which is amazing but then to deal with the um… side effects…of being out. It goes both ways I suppose. But I am sorry you have to deal with it all. It makes me sad. And kinda angry…But that’s what stigma shit does to me grrrrr. Especially when it comes after my friends grrrrr.

      hope you have a good day today!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. lolabipola

    I can totally relate! I look like your average stay-at-home mum. Nothing to be depressed about – live in a great house in an awesome suburb. But underneath the visible facade of my life is THIS me. The tattoo junkie (all hidden – for now) – the sad for no reason woman – the “is this my life?” person who misses who I used to be (although I realise now that who I used to be was mostly manic/hypomanic me – but I miss her).

    Even friends who have known me my whole life don’t know this me.

    I get it. I absolutely GET this post. Thank you for saying what I’ve been feeling! It’s a battle I wage in my mind all the time!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Heather

    It’s a bitch. I’ve thought about wearing a sling it some sort of visible support when I’m down. People understand that and are kinder. I haven’t done it, next time I’m feeling rough, I just might.

    Like

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