Bipolar isn’t sexy and Violent. Bipolar is Internal Suffering.

The world tends to think of Bipolar as being mainly composed of these wild and crazy external behaviors…

violence and crotch flashing and jumping off buildings and all sorts of salacious and scandalous and sexy exciting stuff

But what people don’t realize is that Bipolar is mostly a silent internal suffering…

much more akin to the images of Depression rather than to an episode of Girls Gone Wild

.

I have often had the feeling of wishing I had a way to explain this.  A way to show what it is that we actually go through…

just the silent suffering…

the trying

the immense constant effort

so mundane

so unsexy

this “disorder” that can be living in any person in the check out line or at the hairdresser or walking around with a Starbucks cup.

The world thinks Bipolar is separate somehow

that we are “somewhere else”

not among the normal people

not right HERE

participating in life

but

Bipolar isn’t something that exists somewhere else

we are

RIGHT HERE

.

Yesterday I wrote about the beginning of this blog.  And I started wondering what my first post was.

And I read it and it was like someone else had written it

and what struck me was that right there was example after example of this internal Bipolar…

the Bipolar no one SEES

the Bipolar no one KNOWS

and I thought hey maybe I should reblog this

and then I thought hey I feel a lot of thoughts coming on maybe I will copy and paste it and roll my thoughts out.

So I did

and here is my first post

for you

This is for you if you have ever curled into a fetal position and cried your heart almost completely out about nothing you could name.

This is for you if you ever found yourself unable to stop smirking and smiling to yourself as you strut around your house or mall or restaurant checking yourself out in every mirror.

This is for you if you have stood there with a bottle of pills in your hand all too aware of all of the potential side effects from minor annoyance all the way to death of these meds and fought down deep for the courage to twist open the cap, tip a pill into your hand, put it in your mouth and swallow it.

This is for you if you have been skewered by the word “forever”. As in you will have to deal with this FOREVER

This is for you if you have ever found yourself sitting on the kitchen/bathroom/hallway floor unable to think of any reason to get up.

This is for you if you’ve seen magic, felt things, known things, been places that most people can’t even begin to dream about.

This is for you if you have felt your chest bubble with a joy so powerful you felt you would explode.

This is for you if you have ever lied there unable to move not understanding why or how this could be happening to you.

This is for you if you have ever felt just so disgustingly lame because you can’t do what other people can do. Stuff that isn’t even hard…for them.

This is for you if you have hit bottom and come back once, twice, five, ten times.

This is for you if you have ever scared away friends with crazy rambling texts or emails.

This is for you if you have ever turned off the light at bedtime only to be overcome by a crushing sharp loneliness so strong and strange that it should be a different word.

This is for you if you have ever woken up in the morning and before you even open your eyes you are drowning in a swirling spinning pool of anxiety and pain.

This is for you if you have felt trapped and searched for an escape hatch.

This is for you if you have left behind you a trail of cringe worthy behaviors, actions and things said that embarrass the hell out of you and or ruined things.

This is for you if you’ve ever left a Pdoc or therapy appointment shattered and shaking.

This is for you if you’ve ever felt so agitated and uncomfortable in your own body that you cannot abide being.

This is for you if you have scared those closest to you.

This is for you if you have ever been in public with a smile on your face using all of your energy to appear “normal” while the inside of your head is like broken glass.

This is for you if you’ve ever walked around a store glazed over and muttering quietly to yourself so entirely unable to make a decision that it is paralyzing eventually causing you to panic and abandon your cart.

This is for you if you’ve ever sat in front of a doctor and heard them say “Bipolar” while looking at you and then scribbling off a script while you stare at them with a head that just went blank and overflowed at the same time.

And this is for you if in spite of the last one you still cry out loud and in your head and in your heart “WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?”

This is for you if you are absolutely and awesomely brave and amazing.

So I bet you guessed it. This is for you if you are Bipolar.

6 comments

Add Yours
  1. dyane

    Thank YOU for thinking of us – those who have bp!!!!!!!! YES, we suffer internally and I wish everyone could read your words and GET them!

    Reading your amazing words, especially the part about FOREVER, made me think of a classic song by the man I think of as Prince. (I’m not sure of his current name/symbol)

    Upon reading the follow lyrics of his “Let;s Go Crazy” this morning, they resonate with me in a whole way – and I’ve gotta share ’em!

    “Dearly beloved
    We are gathered here today
    To get through this thing called life

    Electric word life
    It means forever and that’s a mighty long time
    But I’m here to tell you
    There’s something else
    The after world

    A world of never ending happiness
    You can always see the sun, day or night

    So when you call up that shrink in
    Beverly Hills
    You know the one, Dr. Everything’ll Be Alright
    Instead of asking him how much of your time is left
    Ask him how much of your mind, baby
    ‘Cause in this life
    Things are much harder than in the
    after world
    In this life
    You’re on your own

    And if the elevator tries to bring you down
    Go crazy, punch a higher floor

    If you don’t like the world you’re living in
    Take a look around you

    At least you got BIPOLAR FIRST!!!!”

    (Prince sang the word “friends” 😉 )

    XOXO
    Dy “80’s Music Forever” Harwood

    Liked by 1 person

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