I smell Sex and Mania

“Who’s that lounging in my chair
Who’s that casting devious stares”*

 

um yeah

this post is about Mania…

including the sexual part of mania

which I suppose we are supposed to call Hypersexuality

though some people don’t like that term….all of our terms are rather sucky and stigmatizing…but that’s what we’ve got to work with for now

For me the term HyperSexuality sounds kind of like a superpower…rather than a brain disfunction…

“Let’s put this thing into Hyper Drive!!!!”  Woot Woot!

Light SPeed sex

yeah no

If you’ve never experienced Hypersexuality because this applies to mania in general as well.

.

I think most people have no idea how physical Bipolar is

How physical Mania is

Now, I am no molecular biologist or anything like that

But I can tell you that I have felt mania in every cell

You can feel it in every cell

buzzing

or

burning

For me it has felt at times like a near constant adrenaline surge

Every nerve ending raw

inflamed

This is a horrible feeling

It does not feel good in any way shape or form

It in fact makes me feel like my heart is going to give out

Burn out

Die

But in mania….Hypersexuality

Is like a sexual adrenaline surge

That doesn’t stop

And doesn’t feel good

With all of Mania….there is that sweet spot…

when you’re ramping UP…and when the up is fresh and high and vibrant and effervescent…

“Yeah there she was like disco Lemonade……………”*

 

but sure enough that simmer becomes boil

and turns into hell

Mania

and the destructive urges involved in Mania…in which we will include being Hypersexed for this discussion….

are insatiable

incorrigible

.

When I hear people talk about Mania and about the agitation and about HyperSexuality they often describe it as a physical near torture.

.

Normies CANNOT relate to this by comparing it to their own stimulated frustrated sexual feelings

Manic Hypersexuality

is nothing like being horny

To say you can understand what it is like to be Hypersexual because you have been horny

Is like saying you understand what it is like to give birth because you have pooped

Um no

Shut That fuck up

Before someone punches you

.

Horny is an urge…a need…a craving…a desire

Hypersexuality is a physical problem in the brain

Horny can be satisfied

Hypersexuality cannot be satisfied

.

Because get this rocket science….

No amount of sex or partying is going to cure a brain disorder

Shocking I know

And this is why Mania and Hypersexuality are SO destructive

Because it FEELS like we SHOULD be able to satisfy it

like we can…

like we NEED to satisfy it before it kills us

.

And Bipolar keeps coming up with crazier and crazier shit to do

and we keep Thinking that if we just __________ a little bit more……

It will go away

It will stop

It will leave us alone

This terrible thing that has taken hold of us

Will go back where it came from

 

Satisfied

 

bUT that never happens

nothing we do can make it go away

and that is a hefty realization because it means…

you are helpless

that you can’t do anything to make it better and all of the crazy shit you want to do will make it

worse

 

ouch

 

And going home

And sitting still

And making a cup of chamomile tea

And behaving

When your whole being is trying to propel you into “trouble”

Is excruciating

Absofuckinglutely Excruciating

 

OUCH

 

Because…(yes this is repetitive) in HyperSex and mania

the crazy behavior will never stop it anyway

It never does

Mania keeps demanding more and more

Raising the bar higher and higher

you can never party hard enough to make it go away

 

All Part of Bipolar’s evil genius Master Plan to destroy us

 

Sometimes small children who cannot breath because of the Croup or Asthma or something like that will claw at their throats….hurting themselves…desperately trying to breath

Trying to stop this horrible feeling….get some air…breath

Obviously clawing your throat open is never actually going to stop the croup or asthma…

Never going to bring in the air

That’s just erroneous reasoning

But it feels to them like it will

 

And they need to do SOMETHING

 

That is what our “bad” Manic Behaviors are….

A desperate attempt to stop it

But we just end up clawing until we have ripped a hole in our life

 

And even then we don’t get it

Lost and confused in the Mania

No idea why or how our life has imploded so spectacularly

 

Gradually the lights come on in the theater

We get diagnosed

Or we realize we must have been Manic

And we get slammed in the heart with the horror of our OWN actions

are they OUR actions?

“Yeah mama this surely is a dream”*

 

and of course all of this sounds like the perfect excuse for “Bad” behavior…

“The Bipolar made me do it!”

and most of the world does think….

“yeah right”

 

Bipolar isn’t an excuse

But

It IS an explanation

 

And while the knowledge that this was a BipolarManicCrap Explosion (or just a bonfire) is rarely that effective in relieving our shame and guilt…at least not for a long time

Hopefully it can help the Loved Ones who get hit by this particular bus

Take it less personally…feel somewhat less hurt

 

I keep saying that I am writing about Hypersexuality here but also Mania in general

I have much more experience with the latter…but that doesn’t mean I have none with the former………..dumdeedumdeedum…who ME?

 

I’m writing this because I’ve been moved by Jess’s story and her words…which you can read all about at Bipolar Compass

She is calling for more honest open talk about this issue

And thought it was time to throw my hat in

Because it is serious

And  Hypersexuality is so BEyond judged and so misunderstood it remains a very taboo subject…

one of our most taboo subjects…

Even in the Bipolar community

 

I have read that Even therapists are unable to adequately and nonjudgementally deal with Hypersexuality….(shock!)

And Mania….(double shock!)

they are linked anyway…

 

 

But talking about it can save people’s relationships

Talking about it can hopefully save people from some shame…some guilt

And in doing so maybe save a life

because REALLY guys

In Bipolar World right now

Talking about shit is all we have

 

So Let’s talk about HyperSex BAYbee…let’s talk about you**….. (I don’t think I’ve gotten enough dorky into this post)

The good, the bad, and the downright…WHAT THE FLYING FUCK AM I DOING?

it needs to be said

and Jess is saying it….going there

where most people are too pus….chickenshit to go

as well all know…

when silence surrounds an issue

people suffer in that silence

I’ve said it before and I will say it one thousand times more

Honesty saves lives

Radical Honesty changes the world

Let’s have this conversation

.

.

*lyrics from Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground…obviously

and if you’re a total fetus or just completely uncultured this ** was Let’s Talk About Sex by Salt-N-Pepa

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

16 comments

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  1. Jess Melancholia

    Wow. Just wow. Oh man this is brilliant. I got up and walked around when I was reading this that’s how elated I was. You hit the nail on the damn head. You did it! You found the words I’ve been digging for and I just couldn’t reach “it’s not an excuse…it’s an explanation.” THAT’S IT!!! THAT’S EXACTLY IT!!! You have NO IDEA how happy this makes me. No idea. Thank you! This made me feel better.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Jess Melancholia

    Reblogged this on The Bipolar Compass and commented:
    Please read this. If you read any of my stuff because I can’t write like this. My friend finds the words I can’t seem to manifest and knocks this subject out of the park!:

    “and of course all of this sounds like the perfect excuse for “Bad” behavior…

    “The Bipolar made me do it!”

    and most of the world does think….

    “yeah right”

    Bipolar isn’t an excuse

    But

    It IS an explanation”

    Liked by 2 people

  3. dyane

    You can tell a lot about a writer by just a few lines, and this:

    “To say you can understand what it is like to be Hypersexual because you have been horny

    Is like saying you understand what it is like to give birth because you have pooped”

    is nothing short of brilliant, and the rest is too.
    So there!

    And I use the word “pussy” (out loud) often, even though it gets me in trouble. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  4. SassaFrassTheFeisty

    I HATE mania induced hypersexuality. I ended up fucking some married guy on a picnic table in a park that I’d only talked to for 24 hours over the summer. Had no clue he was married. Don’t even think he gave me his real name. I was up for TWO days straight.
    Mania makes me feel invincible, as if rules and laws don’t apply to me. I am my own person in my own world and everyone else is lucky to live in it. When I come down and look back I am SOOOOO ashamed of what I did and DIDNT do. Shame is a huge one we all deal with. The guilt is a close second, and it’s worse when people rub it in our faces as if we KNOW what we are doing. Let me crawl deeper into the hole and bury myself. Fuck!
    And don’t get me started on childbirth 😁 I had my first naturally wasn’t really that bad, in all honesty. Felt like taking a big poop lolol 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • bipolarfirst

      Sass, Awesome comment. Thanks for sharing your story…i don’t think any of us are unscathed in this area…

      Yes the shame and guilt are excruciating…for all of Bipolar and this stuff…ugh.

      No don’t get ME started on childbirth! I have a friend who basically pooped her baby out. Mine never exited in such a civilized fashion…….I’ll start a mommyblog and we can talk all about it 😉

      Liked by 2 people

      • SassaFrassTheFeisty

        It is hard for loved us AND loved ones. I look and go WTF?! I can only blame the Bipolar for so much, but the shame and guilt are STILL very near the surface, even YEARS later before I was diagnosed.
        WTH-that is so unfair! My NSLM was pretty much pulled out by his nostrils… THERE’S a great blog post! 😂😂😂

        Like

  5. Sandra

    ~standing up and clapping~ I love how you describe that mania is physical. That is so true and brilliant, and sometimes you hear/read something that sort of makes your entire life make sense. Every cell in my body is buzzing with mania, and currently I’m loving it. Thanks for this post doll.

    Like

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