“Who’s that lounging in my chair
Who’s that casting devious stares”*
um yeah
this post is about Mania…
including the sexual part of mania
which I suppose we are supposed to call Hypersexuality
though some people don’t like that term….all of our terms are rather sucky and stigmatizing…but that’s what we’ve got to work with for now
For me the term HyperSexuality sounds kind of like a superpower…rather than a brain disfunction…
“Let’s put this thing into Hyper Drive!!!!” Woot Woot!
Light SPeed sex
yeah no
If you’ve never experienced Hypersexuality because this applies to mania in general as well.
.
I think most people have no idea how physical Bipolar is
How physical Mania is
Now, I am no molecular biologist or anything like that
But I can tell you that I have felt mania in every cell
You can feel it in every cell
buzzing
or
burning
For me it has felt at times like a near constant adrenaline surge
Every nerve ending raw
inflamed
This is a horrible feeling
It does not feel good in any way shape or form
It in fact makes me feel like my heart is going to give out
Burn out
Die
But in mania….Hypersexuality
Is like a sexual adrenaline surge
That doesn’t stop
And doesn’t feel good
With all of Mania….there is that sweet spot…
when you’re ramping UP…and when the up is fresh and high and vibrant and effervescent…
“Yeah there she was like disco Lemonade……………”*
but sure enough that simmer becomes boil
and turns into hell
Mania
and the destructive urges involved in Mania…in which we will include being Hypersexed for this discussion….
are insatiable
incorrigible
.
When I hear people talk about Mania and about the agitation and about HyperSexuality they often describe it as a physical near torture.
.
Normies CANNOT relate to this by comparing it to their own stimulated frustrated sexual feelings
Manic Hypersexuality
is nothing like being horny
To say you can understand what it is like to be Hypersexual because you have been horny
Is like saying you understand what it is like to give birth because you have pooped
Um no
Shut That fuck up
Before someone punches you
.
Horny is an urge…a need…a craving…a desire
Hypersexuality is a physical problem in the brain
Horny can be satisfied
Hypersexuality cannot be satisfied
.
Because get this rocket science….
No amount of sex or partying is going to cure a brain disorder
Shocking I know
And this is why Mania and Hypersexuality are SO destructive
Because it FEELS like we SHOULD be able to satisfy it
like we can…
like we NEED to satisfy it before it kills us
.
And Bipolar keeps coming up with crazier and crazier shit to do
and we keep Thinking that if we just __________ a little bit more……
It will go away
It will stop
It will leave us alone
This terrible thing that has taken hold of us
Will go back where it came from
Satisfied
bUT that never happens
nothing we do can make it go away
and that is a hefty realization because it means…
you are helpless
that you can’t do anything to make it better and all of the crazy shit you want to do will make it
worse
ouch
And going home
And sitting still
And making a cup of chamomile tea
And behaving
When your whole being is trying to propel you into “trouble”
Is excruciating
Absofuckinglutely Excruciating
OUCH
Because…(yes this is repetitive) in HyperSex and mania
the crazy behavior will never stop it anyway
It never does
Mania keeps demanding more and more
Raising the bar higher and higher
you can never party hard enough to make it go away
All Part of Bipolar’s evil genius Master Plan to destroy us
Sometimes small children who cannot breath because of the Croup or Asthma or something like that will claw at their throats….hurting themselves…desperately trying to breath
Trying to stop this horrible feeling….get some air…breath
Obviously clawing your throat open is never actually going to stop the croup or asthma…
Never going to bring in the air
That’s just erroneous reasoning
But it feels to them like it will
And they need to do SOMETHING
That is what our “bad” Manic Behaviors are….
A desperate attempt to stop it
But we just end up clawing until we have ripped a hole in our life
And even then we don’t get it
Lost and confused in the Mania
No idea why or how our life has imploded so spectacularly
Gradually the lights come on in the theater
We get diagnosed
Or we realize we must have been Manic
And we get slammed in the heart with the horror of our OWN actions
are they OUR actions?
“Yeah mama this surely is a dream”*
and of course all of this sounds like the perfect excuse for “Bad” behavior…
“The Bipolar made me do it!”
and most of the world does think….
“yeah right”
Bipolar isn’t an excuse
But
It IS an explanation
And while the knowledge that this was a BipolarManicCrap Explosion (or just a bonfire) is rarely that effective in relieving our shame and guilt…at least not for a long time
Hopefully it can help the Loved Ones who get hit by this particular bus
Take it less personally…feel somewhat less hurt
I keep saying that I am writing about Hypersexuality here but also Mania in general
I have much more experience with the latter…but that doesn’t mean I have none with the former………..dumdeedumdeedum…who ME?
I’m writing this because I’ve been moved by Jess’s story and her words…which you can read all about at Bipolar Compass
She is calling for more honest open talk about this issue
And thought it was time to throw my hat in
Because it is serious
And Hypersexuality is so BEyond judged and so misunderstood it remains a very taboo subject…
one of our most taboo subjects…
Even in the Bipolar community
I have read that Even therapists are unable to adequately and nonjudgementally deal with Hypersexuality….(shock!)
And Mania….(double shock!)
they are linked anyway…
But talking about it can save people’s relationships
Talking about it can hopefully save people from some shame…some guilt
And in doing so maybe save a life
because REALLY guys
In Bipolar World right now
Talking about shit is all we have
So Let’s talk about HyperSex BAYbee…let’s talk about you**….. (I don’t think I’ve gotten enough dorky into this post)
The good, the bad, and the downright…WHAT THE FLYING FUCK AM I DOING?
it needs to be said
and Jess is saying it….going there
where most people are too pus….chickenshit to go
as well all know…
when silence surrounds an issue
people suffer in that silence
I’ve said it before and I will say it one thousand times more
Honesty saves lives
Radical Honesty changes the world
Let’s have this conversation
.
.
*lyrics from Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground…obviously
and if you’re a total fetus or just completely uncultured this ** was Let’s Talk About Sex by Salt-N-Pepa
Wow. Just wow. Oh man this is brilliant. I got up and walked around when I was reading this that’s how elated I was. You hit the nail on the damn head. You did it! You found the words I’ve been digging for and I just couldn’t reach “it’s not an excuse…it’s an explanation.” THAT’S IT!!! THAT’S EXACTLY IT!!! You have NO IDEA how happy this makes me. No idea. Thank you! This made me feel better.
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Reblogged this on The Bipolar Compass and commented:
Please read this. If you read any of my stuff because I can’t write like this. My friend finds the words I can’t seem to manifest and knocks this subject out of the park!:
“and of course all of this sounds like the perfect excuse for “Bad” behavior…
“The Bipolar made me do it!”
and most of the world does think….
“yeah right”
Bipolar isn’t an excuse
But
It IS an explanation”
LikeLiked by 2 people
You can tell a lot about a writer by just a few lines, and this:
“To say you can understand what it is like to be Hypersexual because you have been horny
Is like saying you understand what it is like to give birth because you have pooped”
is nothing short of brilliant, and the rest is too.
So there!
And I use the word “pussy” (out loud) often, even though it gets me in trouble. 😉
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I don’t know what to say to that high praise!
and yeah I use the word pussy too…..just anything for the laugh 🙂
plus I didn’t want to crass up my sex post.
I wanted to keep it serious…well you know
serious for me i guess
Pussy
see I said it 😉
#classyandsassy
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You are just great the way you are! There is no pressure from Dyane a.k.a. “Pussy Whisperer” Harwood to say anything but what you stated so beautifully!
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That took it to a whole ‘notha level. For serious.
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How do you find the words to explain shit so PERFECTLY???? And the “giving birth/pooping” analogy – GENIUS!
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HA. #imweirduloveit
I am sure that analogy put someone off but it made the damn pOINT
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[…] http://bipolarfirst.com/2016/01/12/i-smell-sex-and-mania/ […]
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Oh my how you are always spot on. I wasn’t diagnosed when I was living this thinking I was a very bad girl.
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😦 It is such a shame that we live with such shame. Thanks for sharing. It helps other people and I love to hear from you.
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I HATE mania induced hypersexuality. I ended up fucking some married guy on a picnic table in a park that I’d only talked to for 24 hours over the summer. Had no clue he was married. Don’t even think he gave me his real name. I was up for TWO days straight.
Mania makes me feel invincible, as if rules and laws don’t apply to me. I am my own person in my own world and everyone else is lucky to live in it. When I come down and look back I am SOOOOO ashamed of what I did and DIDNT do. Shame is a huge one we all deal with. The guilt is a close second, and it’s worse when people rub it in our faces as if we KNOW what we are doing. Let me crawl deeper into the hole and bury myself. Fuck!
And don’t get me started on childbirth 😁 I had my first naturally wasn’t really that bad, in all honesty. Felt like taking a big poop lolol 😉
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Sass, Awesome comment. Thanks for sharing your story…i don’t think any of us are unscathed in this area…
Yes the shame and guilt are excruciating…for all of Bipolar and this stuff…ugh.
No don’t get ME started on childbirth! I have a friend who basically pooped her baby out. Mine never exited in such a civilized fashion…….I’ll start a mommyblog and we can talk all about it 😉
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It is hard for loved us AND loved ones. I look and go WTF?! I can only blame the Bipolar for so much, but the shame and guilt are STILL very near the surface, even YEARS later before I was diagnosed.
WTH-that is so unfair! My NSLM was pretty much pulled out by his nostrils… THERE’S a great blog post! 😂😂😂
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[…] would like to encourage you to read this post by Bipolar First Bipolar Together. Claya has a way with words that enables her to accurately […]
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~standing up and clapping~ I love how you describe that mania is physical. That is so true and brilliant, and sometimes you hear/read something that sort of makes your entire life make sense. Every cell in my body is buzzing with mania, and currently I’m loving it. Thanks for this post doll.
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