Well Groomed, Casually Dressed, Makes Eye Contact, Cooperative



No that is not a checklist for evaluating dogs at a dog show

Nor is it a checklist for evaluating women at a beauty pageant

It is me apparently

It is what is written at the top of every page of my records from my first Psychiatrist

With one or two slight variations


I don’t have them in front of me

I feel mildly proud of this little “assessment”

I also feel a little…

Well a little like a dog at a dog show

A little dehumanized

Dehumanized is too extreme a word but ya know…sometimes you’ve just gotta use the one that you have in the moment

Let’s work with it….

Well Groomed

Ok. Yes. Sure. Sounds good.

I pulled something off

Go me

But one thing about me is I can’t leave the house without eyeliner and mascara….scratch that….

I can’t be awake without eyeliner and mascara

What can I say

And also

Sometimes the worse I feel the more makeup I have on

If I’m feeling ok I may even roll out with JUST mascara on…GASP

I may feel all secure n’ shit…

All it doesn’t matter what I look like

Nobody is judging me

My looks are not my worth kinda thing

But If my mood is crap I am probably going to go all out

applying more and more makeup trying to cover up the ugliness that is my face

and I’ll still feel ugly

But whatever

Enough about me


Oh ha wait a minute

This IS a post about me


Casually dressed

Now hold on a minute with this one

I’ve never seen a dress code on my Pdoc’s website

I am interested in toying with this…

“Patient dressed in Black tie formal”

“Business casual”

“Innappropriate ensemble”

and I wonder how we may disagree

“Patient wearing Pajamas” They’re yoga pants Bitch

“Cocktail dress formal” It’s a freakin Sundress yo

I’m being goofy obviously

But it is true that they care what we wear…they are noticing our clothes.

And this is all very validating because I do attempt to shower and dress like a normal person when I go.

Not that I am crazy all of the time but I AM a mother so I’m sure some of you know that it does take an extra couple of steps to put all of the pieces together.

Like NOT a flippy bun of greasy hair….

“seriously not depressed Doc…just can’t get a fuckin minute to call my own”


Makes Eye Contact

Applause for ME

I made eye contact!

I am so glad I did!

Because how fucking crazy would it be to refuse to make eye contact?

Not to be offensive as I am sure some people are hurting bad enough to make that not happen

Plus these Docs can be so annoying I have felt inclined to look away

“lalalalalala I can’t HEAR you…because I can’t believe you just said that stupid shit!”



But this one has to be the kicker



What did I cooperate with?

Where was my choice NOT to cooperate?

I mean I sat there

I answered questions

I didn’t question her judgements

I didn’t push her when she wouldn’t believe that my feelings of boredom were anything more than stay at home mom boredom (can.you.say.AKATHISIA?)

(I wasn’t just “bored”. I would have eaten my hand if I thought it could offer me relief)

(ew. I grossed myself out. sometimes I don’t know where I get this shit)

I took all the meds she gave me

And I left the premises in a quiet orderly fashion

Now I wonder what my current Pdoc would say…

you know

When I asked to see my notes… “Patient NOT cooperative”

“Patient has hair in greasy flippy bun.…Patient must be depressed”

nope not depressed

get this doc

sometimes a person can disagree with you without being depressed…or manic…or anything…

Sometimes YOU’RE WRONG

And I’m intrigued in the way kids are curious about the bad kids who go to the principal’s office about these people who obviously DON’T cooperate…

I mean what do they do?

Am I that naïve that I don’t know that there are people who refuse to sit down on the couch or take the meds or leave the premises or I don’t really know.

Hmmm very interesting


There is a lot more shit in those records of mine

Most of it is completely illegible and the rest isn’t very interesting

But I think I will make a T-Shirt for myself that says…




Because those things make mE feel SO AWESOME


fuck that shit



Add Yours
  1. dyane

    You had me at the title. It sounds like it would be a great song chorus, wouldn’t it? This post rings so true (I’d expect nothing less!)

    I’ve been through a similar scenario time and time again with different pdocs. I have a huge stack of medical records and there are all kinds of clinical assessments about my appearance and behavior in there. They make me want to light the stack on fire but I’m saving it for research. When I’m done then it’s toast.

    Thanks for writing this!


  2. dyane

    p.s. I want to write more (and write intelligently!) but I’m a walking zombie. I can’t think straight.

    Last night I slept 4 hours. I’ve been waking up close to midnight every night, and then I stay up for a few hours reading. That pattern happened first.

    Then, when I finally kinda sorta got to sleep, Rilla woke up with nightmares & got in our bed. After that, we had raccoons visit us on our doorstep,and Lucy barked her ass off at them and probably woke up the dead at the closest cemetary. :00000


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s