No that is not a checklist for evaluating dogs at a dog show
Nor is it a checklist for evaluating women at a beauty pageant
It is me apparently
It is what is written at the top of every page of my records from my first Psychiatrist
With one or two slight variations
I don’t have them in front of me
I feel mildly proud of this little “assessment”
I also feel a little…
Well a little like a dog at a dog show
A little dehumanized
Dehumanized is too extreme a word but ya know…sometimes you’ve just gotta use the one that you have in the moment
Let’s work with it….
Ok. Yes. Sure. Sounds good.
I pulled something off
But one thing about me is I can’t leave the house without eyeliner and mascara….scratch that….
I can’t be awake without eyeliner and mascara
What can I say
Sometimes the worse I feel the more makeup I have on
If I’m feeling ok I may even roll out with JUST mascara on…GASP
I may feel all secure n’ shit…
All it doesn’t matter what I look like
Nobody is judging me
My looks are not my worth kinda thing
But If my mood is crap I am probably going to go all out
applying more and more makeup trying to cover up the ugliness that is my face
and I’ll still feel ugly
Enough about me
Oh ha wait a minute
This IS a post about me
Now hold on a minute with this one
I’ve never seen a dress code on my Pdoc’s website
I am interested in toying with this…
“Patient dressed in Black tie formal”
and I wonder how we may disagree
“Patient wearing Pajamas” They’re yoga pants Bitch
“Cocktail dress formal” It’s a freakin Sundress yo
I’m being goofy obviously
But it is true that they care what we wear…they are noticing our clothes.
And this is all very validating because I do attempt to shower and dress like a normal person when I go.
Not that I am crazy all of the time but I AM a mother so I’m sure some of you know that it does take an extra couple of steps to put all of the pieces together.
Like NOT a flippy bun of greasy hair….
“seriously not depressed Doc…just can’t get a fuckin minute to call my own”
Makes Eye Contact
Applause for ME
I made eye contact!
I am so glad I did!
Because how fucking crazy would it be to refuse to make eye contact?
Not to be offensive as I am sure some people are hurting bad enough to make that not happen
Plus these Docs can be so annoying I have felt inclined to look away
“lalalalalala I can’t HEAR you…because I can’t believe you just said that stupid shit!”
But this one has to be the kicker
What did I cooperate with?
Where was my choice NOT to cooperate?
I mean I sat there
I answered questions
I didn’t question her judgements
I didn’t push her when she wouldn’t believe that my feelings of boredom were anything more than stay at home mom boredom (can.you.say.AKATHISIA?)
(I wasn’t just “bored”. I would have eaten my hand if I thought it could offer me relief)
(ew. I grossed myself out. sometimes I don’t know where I get this shit)
I took all the meds she gave me
And I left the premises in a quiet orderly fashion
Now I wonder what my current Pdoc would say…
When I asked to see my notes… “Patient NOT cooperative”
“Patient has hair in greasy flippy bun.…Patient must be depressed”
nope not depressed
get this doc
sometimes a person can disagree with you without being depressed…or manic…or anything…
Sometimes YOU’RE WRONG
And I’m intrigued in the way kids are curious about the bad kids who go to the principal’s office about these people who obviously DON’T cooperate…
I mean what do they do?
Am I that naïve that I don’t know that there are people who refuse to sit down on the couch or take the meds or leave the premises or I don’t really know.
Hmmm very interesting
There is a lot more shit in those records of mine
Most of it is completely illegible and the rest isn’t very interesting
But I think I will make a T-Shirt for myself that says…
Because those things make mE feel SO AWESOME
fuck that shit