Sometimes I Crave Depression

I don’t actually know this time if anyone else has ever had this feeling

the feeling of actually longing for the depression sometimes….

it is not real obviously because when it comes it is horrible and those previous longings seem foreign and ludicrous

i remember having this feeling a long time ago

wondering why in certain moments i wanted depression

but what i have realized is that those moments come when….

I already am depressed

but fighting it really hard

denying it

“resisting” it

declaring that I am not going to give in

not going to let it get me

or they come when my mood feels off…

again…

and i am just fighting with Bipolar

more

again

constantly

but back when i was less aware i didn’t see it like this

and these feelings

this sort of craving the breakdown

longing to be depressed

made me feel like a deranged masochistic weirdo

but i braved up and told my then therapist that i did this

why did i have this feeling?

why did I “want” to de depressed?

and she said that she didn’t think i wanted to be depressed….

but that I wanted a break from fighting so hard

from resisting it

and i realized that the thought behind my thought was that depression

would be a relief

i guess that for me once i have stamped myself with the “i am depressed” stamp

i give myself more of a break

i get off my own back a little more

i let myself collapse

i don’t freak out at every little crazy thought

i might even tell some people

and even these days too i find myself feeling that sort of pseudo tiredish depression and messed up Bipolar feeling that just comes and goes as part of my existence…..

and i think i wish i was just actually depressed so I could stop combing my hair out after a shower and i could say fuck it to the piles of dishes and lie on the floor in front of Fixer-Upper and……

feel less guilty

as i said in a previous post i do try to get off my one back and allow myself these moments but the key word there is “try”

for some reason i don’t feel like i am entitled to these sorts of behaviors unless i am “officially” depressed.  and i’m not sure what officially depressed even means to me.

but i do know that it means more than a day or two…like i won’t allow myself the breakdown until it has been long enough that i am like okay yes this is real depression

and by that point i am not having any craving feelings at all….just fear and dread and….

and by the way this whole thought process skips along in my brain hand in hand with the terrorized fear trauma of being depressed again

so it isn’t actually wanting to be depressed

not at all

it is just wanting a break

the diaphanous mocking promise

of

the relief

that once again

never actually comes

12 comments

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  1. Asperganoid

    As an artist; I sometimes assume that I produce better content when I’m depressed.
    But honestly I’m just more apathetic when I’m down under and I need only grow a bigger pair when I’ve resurfaced from the pits.
    Even though it’s always circling that life boat… Never too far away.

    Like

  2. meagenm

    I totally know this feeling, and you are right about all of it! I was confused too about why I would long for depression, but your explanation is exactly right. I long for the psych ward sometimes and get upset and ashamed at myself for that, but we (my therapist and I) figured out that the true longing is for safety. I long to know that my outsides are safe so that I can stop spending so much energy trying to control myself and avoid self harm and destructive behaviors and put that energy and full focus towards working on my inside issues. That’s very similar to what you said.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bipolarfirst

      It is funny you say that because I have longed for the psych ward too in the really bad times and I haven’t even been there. The thought scares me but the idea of being able to let it go…make it someone else’s problem (in a way ya know) for awhile sounds kinda nice.

      Thanks for adding this. And thanks for commenting!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. lolabipola

    I’ve craved the psych ward too, on more than one occasion. Often, at those times, I’m in (what I now recognise as) a mixed episode, where I feel, physically, like something in my brain is being pulled so fucking taut, it’s about to snap. You know, when you feel like you’re actually going to lose the plot completely!

    When I started reading your post, I thought to myself, “Yeah, nah, I’ve never craved depression.” But the more I read, the more I realised that I DO! You put things into perspective for me ClayaCaper!

    Like

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