I don’t actually know this time if anyone else has ever had this feeling
the feeling of actually longing for the depression sometimes….
it is not real obviously because when it comes it is horrible and those previous longings seem foreign and ludicrous
i remember having this feeling a long time ago
wondering why in certain moments i wanted depression
but what i have realized is that those moments come when….
I already am depressed
but fighting it really hard
declaring that I am not going to give in
not going to let it get me
or they come when my mood feels off…
and i am just fighting with Bipolar
but back when i was less aware i didn’t see it like this
and these feelings
this sort of craving the breakdown
longing to be depressed
made me feel like a deranged masochistic weirdo
but i braved up and told my then therapist that i did this
why did i have this feeling?
why did I “want” to de depressed?
and she said that she didn’t think i wanted to be depressed….
but that I wanted a break from fighting so hard
from resisting it
and i realized that the thought behind my thought was that depression
would be a relief
i guess that for me once i have stamped myself with the “i am depressed” stamp
i give myself more of a break
i get off my own back a little more
i let myself collapse
i don’t freak out at every little crazy thought
i might even tell some people
and even these days too i find myself feeling that sort of pseudo tiredish depression and messed up Bipolar feeling that just comes and goes as part of my existence…..
and i think i wish i was just actually depressed so I could stop combing my hair out after a shower and i could say fuck it to the piles of dishes and lie on the floor in front of Fixer-Upper and……
feel less guilty
as i said in a previous post i do try to get off my one back and allow myself these moments but the key word there is “try”
for some reason i don’t feel like i am entitled to these sorts of behaviors unless i am “officially” depressed. and i’m not sure what officially depressed even means to me.
but i do know that it means more than a day or two…like i won’t allow myself the breakdown until it has been long enough that i am like okay yes this is real depression
and by that point i am not having any craving feelings at all….just fear and dread and….
and by the way this whole thought process skips along in my brain hand in hand with the terrorized fear trauma of being depressed again
so it isn’t actually wanting to be depressed
not at all
it is just wanting a break
the diaphanous mocking promise
that once again
never actually comes