Why does it feel good to feel so bad?

maybe it is like pressing on a knot in your back

it hurts like hell but you crave it

again this may just be me HA

and you’ll all be like shit this girl is crazier than I thought

but now that i think about it i think it may go hand in hand with my previous post

because as i was writing that post a moment kept coming back to my mind and it comes at various points.

but i think it contains in it another seed

but it is once again about the giving in…

the laying down of all the weapons for a moment

and being like

ok fuck it

i feel this crazy

i feel this horrible

i want to do this thing

and sometimes you just find yourself doing it anyway

no matter what you know better

or what you tell yourself

moving through it as if in someone else

and it could be many things that bring this on

for me this memory involves drinking and smoking

not the worst behavior ever

i know

but just factor in that i was supposed to not be drinking

that i was doing it in secret

and i don’t actually smoke and it doesn’t actually have any self medicating affect on me

i just started in that mixed depression

because it seemed like a good way to damage myself

and sitting on the stoop of my apartment building…

people walking in and out and messing about on the street

summer time warm concrete beneath my bare feet

swigging wine out of a plastic cup and sucking down

cig

after

cig

after

cig

after

cig

and what i remember is feeling astonishingly fucked up

excruciating pain

body filled with broken glass

and yet an alarming numbness

but

memories like that are a dime a dozen in my banks

what stands out to me about this one is that giving in to the urge to behave in a way that seemed as fucked up as I was

felt so good

.

i liked it

whatever it was about it in that moment

i liked it

i liked it enough for it to stick in my memory as something almost

positive

and that feels fucked up

.

 

i sat there

moving my legs to the side so people could walk in and out

relishing the looks that people gave me

hoping they thought

wow that chicks looks fucked up

because i was

i was really hurting

really struggling

and i just wanted to be fucked up

for a minute

.

eventually i put out the last death stick

 

pulled my shit together

walked back up and into my life

and acted like

everything

was

fine

everything

was

normal

.

sometimes you need a break

sometimes you just do

 

 

 

11 comments

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  1. darie73

    I can’t tell you how this really hits home for me. I feel this way often. The first nice day in New England is hard for me because I feel it the worse. Something bubbles up inside me and I want to be that girl smoking and drinking outside hoping someone sees me knowing I shouldn’t but not caring. I’ve made it through 7 summers now and I don’t know if I have an 8th in me. The way things have been I can’t promise anything I can only try. Even being in Stage 3 Chronic Kidney Disease might not be enough to scare me. I’m tired of family and everything else. I sound whiney but it’s been 26 years of this shit now when is it enough?

    Liked by 1 person

      • darie73

        Sometimes, when I think things are just too much, I come on here. I’ll see something that makes me laugh or makes me think I should be ashamed for complaining. It keeps me grounded. We are not all the same but we are. No matter what my family says to me I know there are other people who feel like I do. Just knowing that keeps me going.

        Like

      • bipolarfirst

        yes. agreed. I think a lot of us feel like this. It is one of the best things about the internet. it gives us access to something we wouldn’t otherwise have. i’m glad you’re here. thanks for the comment.

        Like

  2. hubby1974

    Again, you seemed to magically shed some light on something my wife often refers to – her preference for feeling pain, over not feeling anything. Confusing for partners of… but with posts like yours, getting less confusing.
    Hubby

    Like

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