maybe it is like pressing on a knot in your back
it hurts like hell but you crave it
again this may just be me HA
and you’ll all be like shit this girl is crazier than I thought
but now that i think about it i think it may go hand in hand with my previous post
because as i was writing that post a moment kept coming back to my mind and it comes at various points.
but i think it contains in it another seed
but it is once again about the giving in…
the laying down of all the weapons for a moment
and being like
ok fuck it
i feel this crazy
i feel this horrible
i want to do this thing
and sometimes you just find yourself doing it anyway
no matter what you know better
or what you tell yourself
moving through it as if in someone else
and it could be many things that bring this on
for me this memory involves drinking and smoking
not the worst behavior ever
i know
but just factor in that i was supposed to not be drinking
that i was doing it in secret
and i don’t actually smoke and it doesn’t actually have any self medicating affect on me
i just started in that mixed depression
because it seemed like a good way to damage myself
and sitting on the stoop of my apartment building…
people walking in and out and messing about on the street
summer time warm concrete beneath my bare feet
swigging wine out of a plastic cup and sucking down
cig
after
cig
after
cig
after
cig
and what i remember is feeling astonishingly fucked up
excruciating pain
body filled with broken glass
and yet an alarming numbness
but
memories like that are a dime a dozen in my banks
what stands out to me about this one is that giving in to the urge to behave in a way that seemed as fucked up as I was
felt so good
.
i liked it
whatever it was about it in that moment
i liked it
i liked it enough for it to stick in my memory as something almost
positive
and that feels fucked up
.
i sat there
moving my legs to the side so people could walk in and out
relishing the looks that people gave me
hoping they thought
wow that chicks looks fucked up
because i was
i was really hurting
really struggling
and i just wanted to be fucked up
for a minute
.
eventually i put out the last death stick
pulled my shit together
walked back up and into my life
and acted like
everything
was
fine
everything
was
normal
.
sometimes you need a break
sometimes you just do
“and i just wanted to be fucked up
for a minute”
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I don’t know if this means you like that or think I’m nuts…..
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I like it, and I think you’re nuts – just like me. I’m here right now. Feeling fucked up.
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I can’t tell you how this really hits home for me. I feel this way often. The first nice day in New England is hard for me because I feel it the worse. Something bubbles up inside me and I want to be that girl smoking and drinking outside hoping someone sees me knowing I shouldn’t but not caring. I’ve made it through 7 summers now and I don’t know if I have an 8th in me. The way things have been I can’t promise anything I can only try. Even being in Stage 3 Chronic Kidney Disease might not be enough to scare me. I’m tired of family and everything else. I sound whiney but it’s been 26 years of this shit now when is it enough?
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I’m so sorry. I can’t believe you have made it through everything you have been through. You are inspiring.
I appreciate your comments and support. Thanks for this comment 😊
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Sometimes, when I think things are just too much, I come on here. I’ll see something that makes me laugh or makes me think I should be ashamed for complaining. It keeps me grounded. We are not all the same but we are. No matter what my family says to me I know there are other people who feel like I do. Just knowing that keeps me going.
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yes. agreed. I think a lot of us feel like this. It is one of the best things about the internet. it gives us access to something we wouldn’t otherwise have. i’m glad you’re here. thanks for the comment.
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I spent years worth of drug use in that space… I feel you
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Thanks. I appreciate that.
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Again, you seemed to magically shed some light on something my wife often refers to – her preference for feeling pain, over not feeling anything. Confusing for partners of… but with posts like yours, getting less confusing.
Hubby
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wow. thank you! it means a lot to me to know it matters to you.
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