Don’t You Dare Call me SICK

I saw this on Twitter and I think it is awesome.  In many ways yes.

but

ugh

(anybody read me long enough to know where this is going to go right now?)

Just one thing…

Don’t call me SICK

I just simply do not identify with the word at all.

It doesn’t feel right to me.

It doesn’t feel like me.

It is not completely untrue

I mean I am the one who has repeatedly said that depression is like the flu in the brain

And I am the one who tells people to treat me “like I’m sick” when I am super depressed.

So it isn’t that it NEVER feels right.

Yeah sure…in the depths of depression I feel ill…I feel sick

and I can see that in the heights of mania one may also say the brain is “ill” “sick”

but even with the daily Bipolar shit that I live with….

I don’t want to be called SICK on the daily

I can’t STAND the term Mentally Ill

and I throw up in my mouth a little bit every time I have to use it because there isn’t another good word for the vast group of us beyond Bipolar who live with this shit.

Because I don’t feel SICK on the daily

That IS NOT HOW I SEE MYSELF

Is it easy

no

Do I have to fight for balance and wellness all the time

yes

Do I struggle against my own brain?

yes

but do I look in the mirror and see a “sick” person?

No

absolutely not.

I am going to maintain this position that I keep stating

Our brains are DIFFERENT

not sick

But these difference cause problems in certain times and places and conglomering loops of crap

My brain is different

My brain has a condition

My brain may even be “disordered”

But My brain is not sick

I’m gonna go crazy here and say that in some ways I think my brain is fucking awesome

and I love it

I’m not like other people

I think differently

see differently

my relationship with music

and words

and colors

and light

and emotions

and love

and beauty

is not like anyone else’s I know

I don’t look at life like anyone else I know

And that doesn’t mean that I am okay with being bludgeoned by Bipolar into hating myself and hurting myself and wanting the end

Not AT ALL

sure you can call THAT sick

but I’m not willing to be called sick

call ME different

because whatever it is that is “wrong” with me…

whatever mechanisms go awry and wreak their havoc..

may also be the things that flip around and wreak their magic

and make me Me

and maybe this makes no sense

maybe it isn’t fair

maybe I’m just bristling about the language

maybe I’m in denial and unhappy to be “mentally ill”

maybe I just don’t like the reality that…

I have a sick brain

Maybe I shouldn’t be saying all of this

But I am going to

Because I don’t want that word attached to me or my brain

I’m not sick

I’m not ill

I am neurologically DIFFERENT

it makes me awesome

and it fucks me over

and gives me episodes of true “illness”

But don’t call me ill

I don’t feel mentally ill

I do feel like my brain is different

We need to start embracing neurodiversity

and stop hammering this ill crap

although I will also admit that I think it is necessary in order to get a certain point across to certain normies and certain parts of society

but at the same time I’m going to keep saying it

Don’t call me ill

and don’t you dare call my amazing miraculous fragile but badass brain

SICK

ew

I don’t even love the term Bipolar Disorder

well obviously

it would be a weird thing to “love”

my new idea for a term that works better is….

Manic Depressive Condition

MDC

as in I have MDC

It makes a lot more sense than stupid Bipolar (although it sounds less sexy)

as if there were these poles and this two nonsense

but yeah manic…mania…yeah I get that.  Those are actually some of my favorite words for what we it means…

mania

mania

manic

i’m manic

it feels right to me

sounds right

depression?

not as much

not so much

it may be different if society as a whole didn’t use “depressed” to apply to every situation under the sun…”He didn’t call me back..I’m so depressed.”… “My dog died..I’m so depressed.”… “Starbucks is out of soy milk..I’m so depressed”…

and I find “condition” to be a lot LESS annoying

a lot less um what’s the word I’m looking for….???

Oh I don’t know fuck it

those illness and defective disordery type words make me feel icky

losery

broken

um I guess…SICKLY

and I’m not that

Not at all

so take that sickness language

and

save it for the depression blow outs

and appreciate a little neurodiversity

because that is what we are

diverse

different

different wiring in the brain that sometimes flip flops itself into making me “sick”

but That kind of language may help other people have more compassion for us

but it disempowers us

because the image of sick people

is not true to what we are

we know that

we should know that

My brain isn’t sick

it is my brain

and I love it

so there