If I had met this friend in highschool it is possible we would not have moved past acquaintanceship….
she was a no make up hard core jock
and I was the girl who reapplied her lipstick in between classes and felt righteously justified in skipping gym class if the teacher had the nerve to try to make me do anything more than walk the track and talk.
We probably could have enjoyed being chem lab partners.
Actually I am not sure about that as I would have just copied off of her. (In English she would have copied off of me. Jusayin.)
But it is possible I may have amused her.
I do amuse her
she loves this shit
That’s why she put up with me keeping her up all night with my ridiculous manic chatter, and my trying to grab her pens while she was writing and my jumping on her bed while she was trying to study and and and…..
I also think it is possible that she loves the crap out of my crap.
And the feeling is mutual.
Fortunately, we didn’t meet in highschool.
We met in college where things are very different…..
The unruled highly emotionally charged nature of the college dorm environment …
combined with my firing and misfiring brain…whipping around like a hurricane blowing away everyone’s boundaries…
combined with her shock and awe at the weirdness that was I…
combined with just a God Given Meant To Be quality
made us form something raw and deep and acute…quickly and irrevocably
We could not be more different…
She likes boring guy action type movies.
I’m a RomCom gal
I wear make up every day even when I don’t leave the house
On her wedding day when I asked her if she was going to do her makeup she nonchalantly said “mmm Maybe a little”
She bottles her feelings
I regularly set mine off like fireworks
She disappears when she is stressed out
I move INTO YOUR FACE when I am stressed out
She can do numbers like a Sudoku freakozoid
I have actually uttered the words “3/4 C plus ¾ C equal 1 and a half cups? I don’t believe you. That makes no sense.”
She folds her clothes
I pile mine
She always wanted to watch ER
I would get bored and pout and get drunk and annoy her shit when she tried to watch it. (This post is not putting me in my best light now is it)
She would have been a badass covered wagon driving log cabin building pioneering farmer’s wife.
I really would have been better off stayin’ back East in the city, with ringlets and corsettes sipping lemonade and courtin’ on front porches.
We basically only share a sense of humor and an incredible love for each other.
And something I else I don’t know how to describe……
But we have history honey wooo wheeeee
Man oh man do we have history
I don’t think you’re supposed to have this much history with a friend
But we do
some of the most weirdest personal shit that can happen to you…happened to us in each other’s sight lines
and then the usual ya know
She’s held my hair back, chased me around parking garages when I thought it would be funny to hide (oh you demon alcohol), stood by my bed while I cried for inexplicable reasons, fixed my disposal, come to rallies with me, hemmed my jeans, cleared the snow off my car, tied the ribbons on the programs for my wedding, found everything I ever lost for four years, tried to come up with responses to my crazy shit ramblings…..
Scraped me off the ceiling
Held my hand when I was low
And helped me pick my shit up over and over again
And the few times she took her eye off me and did her own stupid drunken shit were the times I made a fool out of myself and outdid myself with stupid manic drunken shit.
Which just shows to go ya how instrumental she was in the whole endeavor of keeping me alive and unharmed.
She had a front row seat to the Bipolar Circus which just happened to ALWAYS be playing IN HER TOWN
I won’t go through everything I have done for her even though it would make me look better here…
because it is hers…
but know that I know what it feels like to have her tears running down my arm…………………………………………………………………………………..
She doesn’t wear her heart on her sleeve but she pours her heart into everything she does. Including her friendships.
And not just me.
Everyone loves her true valiant loyal heart.
Whether someone is getting a weird thing pierced or is dying in the hospital…
she is the one they ask for
She is deeply forgiving and level headed and calm…on point in any crisis…
and has dedicated her life to helping others….
AND she never once snapped at my Bitchy Little Mouth…..That qualifies for SAINThood RIGHT THERE
This is probably the most complicated relationship I have in my life. I don’t know exactly why it is. But it is.
There are just a lot of threads going a lot of different ways somehow. A lot of tensions and pressures placed on various joints. And every so once in awhile we have accidentally knocked down a supporting wall or two and have had to repair the whole thing with steel beams.
But we’re solid.
On more than one occasion we have barely spoken for two years….
It isn’t fair or accurate to say it is all because of Bipolar but the last time had a lot to do with Bipolar… or started that way anyhow.
She sees my Bipolar more than anyone else.
Maybe it is because she has a unique vantage point given to her by our history together…
and perhaps also by the fact that in this particular relationship I quickly crashed and burned through all of the filters and boundaries that people are supposed to have between eachother…
and or maybe because in this particular relationship I so spectacularly lost any dignity I had by the end of our third year together.
Maybe it is because of her background in mental health
Maybe …. yeah I don’t know
but She is the one who did not seem to go through a period (however brief) of questioning it…the diagnosis
For her there was no initial “whhhaat?”
For her it was more like “ooohhhhhhhhh….it all makes sense now.”
And I think most of that was because she had so much experience with my crazy….
and Maybe partly because before the actual diagnosis I was saying to her… “I feel like I felt that time we went to the psychic…I think I am depressed again…I’m so paranoid can you believe how weird it is?”
And it was clear something was wrong
And had been wrong
And it sure seemed like Bipolar…
to both of us
I called her when I walked out of that first diagnostic psychiatrist visit… “I’m the real deal….”
And to be totally honest…in certain ways…she has borne the brunt of my Bipolar
Mostly because she sees mania before me
And a whole lot because she had to hear me
And resisting meds
And she loves me
And she was afraid
And she didn’t know what to do
And it hurt her
and it hurt me
But what an incredible magic there is in a relationship where love has buried wounds.
And while this woman may have done a thing or two that hurt me deeply…
She has healed parts of my soul
My last big one..post diagnosis
a hysterical breakdown…freaking her shit out…
She had to watch my mania for months…
I am sad to imagine how disconnected she felt from me…
and then a clean slicing crash
I felt like I had been hit by a truck…I could barely open my eyes…the idea of getting up knocked me into bilious swirling terror…
not even lifting my head up I held my phone to my ear…
“I don’t know what to tell you when you are like this”
and her voice sounded tired
and her tone made it sound like she knew everything
everything I didn’t know…couldn’t see
WHat????? I thought. When I am “like this”?
and this is when I started to think I might be Bipolar after all
Whether she liked it or not I always reached for her in the depths of it…
she’d seen so much already….
once in a fit of Bipolar fury I said …. “I just feel like nobody knows how fucked up I am! I just want to do something SO CRAZY so that everyone will UNDERSTAND HOW FUCKED UP I AM!”
and she said quietly…bravely
“I know how fucked up you are”
and she does
and I found that so comforting
and you know what
she NOT ONLY thinks I’m totally fucked up….
she also thinks I’m all like all special and brilliant and all shit like that
(she’s all kinds of biased)
There are a lot of “toos” in this friendship
too much too fast too soon too long too painful too close too high too low too crazy too deep too sad too strong too too too many times….
but we’ve held on
and it has formed each of us in so many ways that we probably can’t even see them all
our lives have entwined around each other
and we have helped each other grow up
and I’m not a bitchy mouthed boundary crashing undiagnosed Bipolar hurricane anymore….
Now I am a bitchy mouthed boundary crashing DIAGNOSED Bipolar hurricane…
Ha. I set myself up for that. just kidding. I’m really much better.
(she may beg to differ……kjhhfowljef;k.cn;ouepohlq.nc;oucpj;nclhc)
It may have all been too much for her at times
but I know she loves
I don’t know why it is complicated
I don’t know why things work the way they do
I often think that she and I have some complicated ages long past lives destiny thing going on.
There is something deep and raw and primordial about this relationship
Something weird, something different…..
no matter how hard
tries to break us