hey bitches
and male bitches (?)
how about a story post
i don’t feel like being all deep and academic and thoughtful about shit so how about i just regale you with the tale of me and a support group
it happened when….
ok wait CAVEAT TIME…i think support groups are a fab idea. I would LOVE to find a good one and all shit like that. I have only tried one support group. Which is why I’m not writing ALL about ALL support groups…just bitching about one.
before i tell the story i will just out and say that my biggest beef is that there is a dearth of BIPOLAR support groups for Bipolar people
we get thrown in as an afterthought with all of the unipolars
don’t get me wrong
unipolars are great
but it isn’t the same
obv
and i don’t even think that our depressions are really the same
so sure some things we can talk about or whatever but i’m just not going to feel all satisfied talking to the unipolars about my bipolar issues
ok where to begin
i was unmedicated at this point but trying to like do things to like be responsible etc and so i found the support group near me.
it happened to be peer run etc whatever
it was a crazy hot summer day
shorts tanks windows down music up flip flops sunglasses
i’m stuck somewhere in Bipolarworld swirling through a mixed rapid super cycling ultra radian Bipolar shitshow
which had me manicky agitated irritable expansive full of joy fun and wack
and also angsty and empty and hurting and rawly sensitive as fuck
followed my gps to the wrong fucking place trying to find a way in trying to park
late
as UsUal
and so i creep into this church building with no idea where to go or what is happening and having to pee real bad
i hear voices down a hall….(thanks for all the signs bitches) (Literals, there weren’t signs)
and crack the door of a hot stuffy room
all of the chairs are in a circle…right this makes sense
and everyone is quiet and staring at the dude talking
he happens to be sitting directly in front of me at the door and the only empty seat (that i see in my awkward whatthefuckness) is right beside him
so i creep forward and sit down
i say creep but there was a rather rattling show of car keys and sunglasses cases and purse zippers
so i sit and listen to this man
as he talks
and talks
and talks
and
talkstalkstalkstalkstalks
and i’m a manicky ADHD hyper girlie and i can barely focus after three mins
and i can barely sit still after seven
and i begin to fear that i won’t be able to behave like a normal human for very much longer
that i will HAVE to start letting my leg vibrate up and down at a god awful speed looking all around me like i’m expecting the good year blimp to fly through at any moment and i will have to start staring at the ceiling and taking deep breaths and making clicking sounds with my tongue
but i endure
i stare all around the room
i count tiles
i catch whiffs of what he is saying and i am able to pick up that he is manic
(um yeah)
but people it went on
forever
and LORD KNOWS i have compassion for crazy bipolar people
and LORD KNOWS i care deeply about manic people
and i don’t want to come across as some nutty little bitch who couldn’t be nice to the manic guy
but for the love of god
no one ever cut him off
and he used like the WHOLE time
well except that he didn’t because it just went over time until everyone got a chance to talk as long as they wanted about whatever they wanted….all around the circle
and that is all that happened
people said their shit and then it moved to the next person
no responses
no conversation
no nothing
and i couldn’t stand this…both this part…and the next time i went because I couldn’t bear to hear some of this hurting and say nothing….that’s not my nature
but anyway when this guy FINALLY finished and everyone nodded when he suggested that maybe he should refill his lithium….
all eyes turned to me in the next chair
um……….
i think i said something like a couple years ago they said i was bipolar then i didn’t think i was now i think maybe i am and i’m just here ok because my friend wants me to have “support” so give me some fucking “support”
i didn’t say the last part like that
but i spoke for .32100000 seconds
maybe less
and then it moved on
i honestly do not know how i sat through the whole thing
i couldn’t believe everyone else was sitting through the whole thing
i was like wtf how is everyone just all blah in their chairs
where are the agitated manicky mixedy Bipolars
then I realized they weren’t there
they were all unipolar depressed
content to just SIT
while i like seriously might as well have been asked to do long division….such was my intense level of effort on something basically impossible for me to do
old manic guy from the beginning left soon after he talked
so there is that
and then the one other Bipolar besides me finally joined us….
he was dicking around in the hall talking on his phone…
came in late and sat in a seat
fidgeted and looked around
waved at me (cuz i was new i guess)
and then proceeded to mess around on his phone
when he spoke it was obvious he was a member of the inner circle of this group and seemed to be “above the rules” perhaps everyone understanding his Bipolar needs
I was happy that there was another real Bipolar there
So this was not a very awesome meeting for me
since i mostly felt like i was dying and being tortured by having to sit still so long
(once in college my oh so multiculturally inclined friend went to a show thing and for some reason i went with her and basically lost my manic mind in boredom. it was intense. and i didn’t manage it well since she lists it as one of the like three times in our relationship that she was actively angry with me)
but i was trying to be a good little “maybe i’m bipolar” girl and I went back
sigh eyeroll head shake
the second time i was later
i was even more manic though less agitated and less depressed
and da da da
there was another Bipolar chick there
i could TELL
just by looking at her across the circle
gorgeous slinky sundress
kept crossing and uncrossing legs back and forth
sigh fold arms and exhale at the ceiling
and the telltale vibrating leg
she leaned forward wide eyed interested in me
and once it had been established that we were on the same team we kept smiling at each other across the circle….a Bipolar girl flirt session
the antsy Bipolar guy from the last time was there again….
in and out of the room
all over the place
but when I spoke this time I Spoke People
I spoke about the whole what is me and what is Bipolar and identity and Bipolar and the meds question…does it change us etc etc etc
he stopped and hung on my words honey oh yes
and after the group
he came to me and said YES that was Exactly how he felt!
and we had a great conversation and i felt like hugging him just because i never met anyone who would understand that
as for my darling fellow Bipolar Female….
we pressured speech partied in the parking lot for another 500 years
and i was like YES
a bipolar friend!
but my little Jiminy Cricket was saying LOSE HER NUMBER THIS ISN’T GOOD
because
sigh
I could SMELL the mania on her
I could SEE it wafting off of her skin like dry ice
and my inflamed mixedish little brain went
ooooooooooooooo
and I wanted to suck the mania out of her aura with a straw and fill my own lungs with it
and I was manicky enough that I wasn’t thinking about getting together over boring decaf coffees and venting about our Bipolar
I was envisioning the two of us dressed to the nines and painting the town red manic
and i wanted that
man
i wanted that
so badly
but we never got together
i knew we shouldn’t
i knew that we weren’t good for each other
and our emails faded out
it makes me sad but i do know it was the right thing at the time
i wasn’t “stable” enough
i wonder if i’ll ever be “stable” enough to handle someone else’s mania in my presence
without getting swept up in it
so anyway let’s wrap this thang up
i didn’t go again
the group was very closed off…many of them expressed (while us newbies were there) that they wished that new people didn’t come because they wanted it to just be the original crew….and while there were some of the old members who were aghast at these sentiments and the way they were being expressed….
it was more than enough to get me to say
fuck that shit
and so that is the end of my experience with support groups
i hope you enjoyed the show
come again soon
don’t be a stranger
close the door on your way out
open it when you come back it
take a left turn at the Dairy Queen
stop before you fall into the purple lake
and never ever ever post when manic
jkjkjk
Goodnight San Francisco!
fuckinnutz
Peace Love and Vibrating the bench that everyone is sitting on
You crack me up girl. You sound like me when I was in my 20-30’s. I loved my mania and yes it got me in trouble.
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hA! I love ya Ava
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Thats a frigging amazing post. I couldnt stop readng it > Fucking A Claya!!!!!!
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Ha!! That is quite a comment. So glad it amused!
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Wow – there’s so much I want to write, but I’m supposed to take a break, ha ha but this was amazing, your style for one is so compelling – it draws you in, it makes everything immediate and it’s almost like I’m in that church room with you!!!!
Did you know I started a support group for women with bipolar???? We’ve met for over a year just once a month and so far no one has ever come in totally manic, which is bizarre!!! But true. We have had such good exchanges. The group is small and we’ve gotten a chance to know one another. I make sure that everyone gets a chance to talk if they want to, and all that…..but no one is obligated. It’s a good group.
I totally related to you and that manic friend because I DID make that mistake (with another mom whose kids go to my kids’ school) who I did not meet at my support group. . We didn’t paint the town, but we drank a whole lot of tequila and spent every day together . She lives a couple streets away from me- our kids played with each other and liked each other…then I relapsed, went into the hospital 3 times over the summer and never heard from her. After that, I had to end the friendship and it was a nightmare. Once in a while I drive by her and get triggered – I still get really upset about it.
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A brilliant post that made me want to laugh and then cry xx
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HA. I’m glad! I think…I hope it wasn’t too sad kind of crying….
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No not too sad a crying, just admiration for your words and your attitude xx
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OMG you’re too sweet. Thanks for making my day 🙂
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I speak as I find sweetheart x my son has suffered terribly with depression in the last few years – I’ve wept in frustration and desperation at not being able to help him. Your posts help many xxx
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T H A N K Y O U ! ! ! ! ! ! !
and i am so sorry…my heart goes out to your boy
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Xxxxxx
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