My Bipolar Doesn’t have a Backburner

we all know that Bipolar is never something that we can just forget about…

all the meds in the world aren’t going to allow us to move on with our lives as though Bipolar never happened to us….or IS happening to us.

but can we once in awhile get to a point…a level…a place where the Bipolar is just something that we deal with in a semi detachedish way…

for me yes I think it can and does

although it is hard to say

the ride that it is for me has consisted of peaks of episodes and dips of denial (or vice versa however you want to look at it)

and neither episode nor period of denial really facilitates consciously moving Bipolar to a back burner

now does it?

and as usual when I scroll back through the months and years I find myself unable to truly decipher what was a Bipolarie time and what was not. Where did these episodes end and begin….how many of these little flare ups were really bigger flare ups that I didn’t realize….

Ya know…

How much “hyper” was “hypomania”

How much “hypomania” was “mania”

How much shitty “baseline” was really just more super cycling mildish all over the fucking place Bipolar CRAP?

yeah I don’t know

I wouldn’t bet money on any of it

but somehow in there I feel like I have a “normal” that is MY “normal”

there is some kind of something that happens sometimes and it somehow kinda feels like my normal…

I’m not calling it awesome or happy or actually normal or any shit like that

I’m just saying that in a Bipolar life my normal isn’t normal

but i feel like it’s normal

whatever I’m too tired to figure out a better way to explain it than that right now

but there was a point to that…

oh yeah

there have been times when I think about Bipolar less than other times

I feel like I am always hyper-vigilant

even now I just did a bit of traveling and I feel offish again

having Bipolar is like constantly renegotiating every single day.

bfighlrgjslrng;sofjhosdflakhfiwgh;dkjbovskgpdjh;ojglsngsjglnskd

that’s how I feel about that

but there is also a difference between managing your own Bipolar and thinking about Bipolar in general.

and at least for me the latter can be triggering

 

which is why I keep disappearing

I started this blog with a whole lot to say

and I’ve said so much

and I find myself unwilling to think and write about Bipolar all the time sometimes… right now…once in awhile…

I love the community and sharing the ideas and everything

but sometimes I want to “forget” about Bipolar

I have to deal with mine of course but I don’t want to think about it beyond that

sometimes I don’t want to hear the word Bipolar all the time

I don’t want to think about my history with it

I don’t want to go about my daily life thinking deep thoughts about Bipolar in my head

sometimes I just don’t want to rub it in my own face that I am Bipolar

sometimes I want a day or week or month or (gasp) a year (nah impossible) without thinking very much about the global Bipolar

part of it is my fault

I don’t moderate very well.  I am ALL or NOTHING

I am IN or I am OUT

I am thinking about it ALL THE TIME or I am thinking about it NEVER

as the song by Terri Clark goes….

“I never could do anything with half my heart”

and

I tend to get a little fiery…a touch passionate…I tend to care A LOT

and that my friends

can wear a girl out.

After my break and internet “cleanse” I view Bipolar kind of like my relationship with the internet and all of that….

It’s there.

I can’t get rid of it.

I have to deal with it.

but I have to engage in it without getting sucked in.

Bipolar is like my phone

it’s always there but if I look at it all the time it makes me cray

but ya know if I have an idea I’m gonna write it down

unless like now I feel like my arrows are falling all around the point I wanted to make and not succeeding in getting a word to hit the actual bullseye.

I’m having a hard time focusing

but hey

good enough works for me if it works for you

 

So what do you think about Bipolar and the back burner?

Like can it happen?

Do you get this difference I see between managing your own and talking about it all of the time…which I don’t think is just a blogger thing because it happened to me before I was a blogger and just in the community.

I don’t know.  I wonder.

I think for me it is possible to stop thinking or shelve the thinking about the general global Bipolar…because I have…

but as for a back burner for My Own Personal Bipolar….

not so much

I’d like to think that sometimes when the rolling boil has calmed down to a simmer that I can put a lid on it

and just come stir it once in awhile

anxiously checking

afraid the whole thing will bubble over the sides and down into the burners

again

and god damn but it is fucking hard to clean those burners

takes forever

in some cases takes a professional

and a lot of chemicals

HA

fuck man I love an analogy that just keeps going

and going

 

I’ve got analogies for days y’all

 

whew I feel like this a scattered ramble but I miss you beautiful crazy people so I’ll publish it for ya.

 

 

Peace Love and Analogies involving Burners

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6 comments

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  1. Bradley

    I reached a point where I asked myself, “Is bipolar all that I am?” So I stopped blogging because I didn’t want it to be all that I am. I came back because I realized that although it’s not all I am, but it is a very large part of me and I can’t put it on the back burner. …besides, I love blogging. Great post

    Liked by 2 people

  2. dyane

    SO GOOD TO GET A CLAYA FIX!!!!!!!!! and thank you for that beautiful message you wrote me. Please, please forgive me for not writing back. I got a 10 day sinus infection from hell and finally went to the doctor andtook amoxicillin that made me feel so gross – I’ll spare you TMI about it except to say that I spent more time in the bathroom every day than anywhere else. YUCK!

    I wish I could take breaks from all that’s bipolar, including, LOL, me- I need to do it online soon because I get so triggered, I get so burned out, I seethe, I forget about the things that make me feel so much better like nature, sitting in the sun doing nothing, talking to the girls about whatever’s on their mind, petting Lucy for longer than a minute or two. I remember you wrote that stunning post about life apart from online life.

    At least I stopped following some so-called bipolar advocacy groups and postpartum advocacy groups that are run by total hypocrites. That felt empowering to say buh-bye.

    One of your lines that super-resonated with me is “I feel like I am always hyper-vigilant”. That’s me. And it’s exhausting. I remember a time long ago when I wasn’t like that.

    I HATE the word “bipolar”. It’s up there with “smegma”.I have problems simply saying it. Isn’t that bizarre? It doesn’t roll off my lips easily and of course it’s a sign that I don’t fully accept having fucking bp despite being an advocate. Despite all I’ve been through and despite I write the word “bipolar” all the fucking time!!!!! Strangely, when I sing my song and say it, it’s okay, maybe because the song is about being more than bipolar!!!

    Go figure.

    As for your excellent question, “So what do you think about Bipolar and the back burner?

    Like can it happen?”

    YES!!!!!!! It can happen!

    I’m determined to make bipolar go to the back burner. I’m not ready to do it yet, but once I get my book out and promote it, I’m taking a break. Then I’ll write a book about something that has nothing to do with mental illness!!!!! (Just kidding, I only want to write one book…..that’s more than enough for me!)

    Anyway……I’m glad you missed us.
    Thanks for posting!

    Lots and lots of love to you!

    XOXOXOXOXOXO
    DyDy

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Jess Melancholia

    I’m so so glad to hear from you. As an introvert and all around just bad friend, I rarely ever follow up with people when they go silent. I’m trying to make sure to do that. Thanks from the bottom of my heart for the times you checked up on me when I was feeling low. I really mean that. I know you’re just taking a break but I just wanted to let you know that you are always on my mind and that I really just want you to be happy no matter what you do. But it is ALWAYS fun getting another beautiful, passionate “sermon” from the great Claya Caper.

    Stay strong my friend. Peace Love and Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bipolarfirst

      AWWWWWW. Thanks so much. You are so sweet. Don’t worry about the checking or anything. We are all dealing with what we have and doing our best. At least when people know you are Bipolar they can understand why you’re being flakey. Unlike with people who don’t know and you can’t tell and it just makes you feel like you look like a flakey wimp. Or maybe that’s just me. Anyway! Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

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