we all know that Bipolar is never something that we can just forget about…
all the meds in the world aren’t going to allow us to move on with our lives as though Bipolar never happened to us….or IS happening to us.
but can we once in awhile get to a point…a level…a place where the Bipolar is just something that we deal with in a semi detachedish way…
for me yes I think it can and does
although it is hard to say
the ride that it is for me has consisted of peaks of episodes and dips of denial (or vice versa however you want to look at it)
and neither episode nor period of denial really facilitates consciously moving Bipolar to a back burner
now does it?
and as usual when I scroll back through the months and years I find myself unable to truly decipher what was a Bipolarie time and what was not. Where did these episodes end and begin….how many of these little flare ups were really bigger flare ups that I didn’t realize….
How much “hyper” was “hypomania”
How much “hypomania” was “mania”
How much shitty “baseline” was really just more super cycling mildish all over the fucking place Bipolar CRAP?
yeah I don’t know
I wouldn’t bet money on any of it
but somehow in there I feel like I have a “normal” that is MY “normal”
there is some kind of something that happens sometimes and it somehow kinda feels like my normal…
I’m not calling it awesome or happy or actually normal or any shit like that
I’m just saying that in a Bipolar life my normal isn’t normal
but i feel like it’s normal
whatever I’m too tired to figure out a better way to explain it than that right now
but there was a point to that…
there have been times when I think about Bipolar less than other times
I feel like I am always hyper-vigilant
even now I just did a bit of traveling and I feel offish again
having Bipolar is like constantly renegotiating every single day.
that’s how I feel about that
but there is also a difference between managing your own Bipolar and thinking about Bipolar in general.
and at least for me the latter can be triggering
which is why I keep disappearing
I started this blog with a whole lot to say
and I’ve said so much
and I find myself unwilling to think and write about Bipolar all the time sometimes… right now…once in awhile…
I love the community and sharing the ideas and everything
but sometimes I want to “forget” about Bipolar
I have to deal with mine of course but I don’t want to think about it beyond that
sometimes I don’t want to hear the word Bipolar all the time
I don’t want to think about my history with it
I don’t want to go about my daily life thinking deep thoughts about Bipolar in my head
sometimes I just don’t want to rub it in my own face that I am Bipolar
sometimes I want a day or week or month or (gasp) a year (nah impossible) without thinking very much about the global Bipolar
part of it is my fault
I don’t moderate very well. I am ALL or NOTHING
I am IN or I am OUT
I am thinking about it ALL THE TIME or I am thinking about it NEVER
as the song by Terri Clark goes….
“I never could do anything with half my heart”
I tend to get a little fiery…a touch passionate…I tend to care A LOT
and that my friends
can wear a girl out.
After my break and internet “cleanse” I view Bipolar kind of like my relationship with the internet and all of that….
I can’t get rid of it.
I have to deal with it.
but I have to engage in it without getting sucked in.
Bipolar is like my phone
it’s always there but if I look at it all the time it makes me cray
but ya know if I have an idea I’m gonna write it down
unless like now I feel like my arrows are falling all around the point I wanted to make and not succeeding in getting a word to hit the actual bullseye.
I’m having a hard time focusing
good enough works for me if it works for you
So what do you think about Bipolar and the back burner?
Like can it happen?
Do you get this difference I see between managing your own and talking about it all of the time…which I don’t think is just a blogger thing because it happened to me before I was a blogger and just in the community.
I don’t know. I wonder.
I think for me it is possible to stop thinking or shelve the thinking about the general global Bipolar…because I have…
but as for a back burner for My Own Personal Bipolar….
not so much
I’d like to think that sometimes when the rolling boil has calmed down to a simmer that I can put a lid on it
and just come stir it once in awhile
afraid the whole thing will bubble over the sides and down into the burners
and god damn but it is fucking hard to clean those burners
in some cases takes a professional
and a lot of chemicals
fuck man I love an analogy that just keeps going
I’ve got analogies for days y’all
whew I feel like this a scattered ramble but I miss you beautiful crazy people so I’ll publish it for ya.
Peace Love and Analogies involving Burners