Hearing You Heals Me-Reliving Bipolar

Here is what happens to me

I want so much to read all of your blogs

and I want to write mine

and I want to look at my Twitter

and it’s all Bipolar

and I get to thinking about Bipolar

and before I know it

I’m reliving my Bipolar

I find myself slipping and I sign off saying no more today….

only to find myself sitting in memories…….

flooded with feelings and images

like

my unwashed hair in a flippy bun….ugly brown tank top (all i could find)…hot sweaty day….

lawn mowers quesadilas

tears of numbness

hollow pained everything

unable to move or think or be

having a friend call my Pdoc because I COULDN’T UNDERSTAND HER ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGE.

Calling Pdoc….she’s out of town….the Doc on call for her says…”just wait till she gets back”….five days…..

and I see myself like I’m watching myself from the side and I want to grab my own shoulders and ….i don’t know

this was the day i started researching hospitals

this was the day i felt bipolar close around me like a pack of wolves and I realized more than I ever had before…

that i wasn’t going to defeat this with a bad ass attitude and white knuckled grit

I finally faced the reality that I could be destroyed

that the Bipolar was not a cute quirky thing about me like my Zodiac sign or my Vivid Imagination

It was this day that I decided I would take the meds…

any meds

my second round…around 2 years after my first….denial is a powerful beast…

 

and so I sit here in this memory…..

feeling that place to a point where I want to write it….

and it makes me feel Bipolar

and it makes me think even more about Bipolar

it puts me in a Bipolar place

and I feel detached in a way from the other things I was about to do…the normal domesticity of life…the nonBipolar tasks and amusements…

which now pale beside these glaring neon memories and feelings

and I have to find a way back to my life

But even so

I am beyond grateful to share and express and vent and process these things….

i know on some level this is what we/I need to do to deal with this Bipolar life

On another level I have to be so careful…

so careful it makes me nauseous

I wish that once in awhile I could not let everything bleed together

I wish I was better at not being so susceptible to it all

 

I thank you all for sharing your lives and stories and traumas and fears

Hearing you helps me see mine…feel mine…heal (?) mine

 

pEACE Love and Processing Shit Together

Bipolar Together

 

 

 

 

 

13 comments

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  1. morgueticiaatoms

    Nope, kick ass attitude doesn’t defeat bipolar. Sure does help us fight when it’s trying to keep us down, though. No McMuggle could get through this shit because they lack that badass gene we have.

    Like

  2. dyane

    I understand, dear Claya. As usual, your vivid, powerful writing full of conviction, truth, and vulnerability makes me feel and think and react and that’s SO GOOD! I pay attention to what you write. That’s a major compliment because I get so fucking distracted and it’s hard for me to focus on anything, even an ingredient label on a can of soup.

    I started writing about other topics besides bipolar (like writing, and getting my writing rejected, friendships, Lucy, my favorite authors) It felt good to write about anything non-bipolar related!!!!!

    Of course I fretted about neglecting my “mission” to write about postpartum bipolar disorder, but I knew it was healthy to take breaks, I want to do more of that as time goes on – write about all kinds of things and with less censoring.

    Sending you big hugs, beautiful buttterfly!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. bipolarfanatic

    I kinda feel like I’m on the opposite side of the spectrum. I keep bipolar disorder so bottled up. no one at work knows. I do not personally know anyone w BP, so I have no real time connection. I can’t seem to clearly communicate with my husband about the madness. My family plain doesn’t get it, so we don’t talk about it. So, I look to these blogs for understanding and tools..and I guess help in some way. Is that weird?

    Liked by 1 person

    • bipolarfirst

      No not at all weird! That is what we are all doing! That’s what we need to do. Bipolar Together. This is the best thing the internet has done…bring together people who have no one “like them” in real life.

      You aren’t on the opposite side of the spectrum at all. Very much the same. I’ll have to reread this to see what made you feel that.

      Like

  4. bipolarfanatic

    I think I was unclear. Unable to explain what I mean or think I mean. thanks for responding. I’m just a little lost I guess and eat up yours and others bipolar experience and stories to fill the void of sharing and learning, communicating in my present “real” life. Oh I don’t know. I appreciate your posts very much.

    Liked by 1 person

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