The Bipolar Made Me Do It…but the Shame is eating me alive

 

We’ve all done it

We all know it

We’ve all been there

We all hold something

maybe a bunch of somethings

head hanging

head shaking

OhMyGoding

WhatTheFucking

the Shame that is like an actual physical creature

the Shame that is like acid

burning you up inside

making you want to break glass windows

Shame that hurts

and

stupid

stupid

stupid

why why why

how?

HOW?

And it blows your mind that YOU were the person doing that

behaving that way

SAYING those things

embarrassed

 

and horrified

scared of yourself

of Bipolar

of the reality of what it can do

the extent to which it can take you from you

the way it can lead you blithely skipping into your own ruin

and that

is terrifying

7 comments

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  1. morgueticiaatoms

    What you write here is so very true…The shame is real and if we even mention the bipolar, well, we’re trying to get out of taking responsibility.
    Yet if someone had a massive brain tumor that caused them to behave erratically or even crash a car…That’d be different because a tumor is legit.

    Like

  2. dyane

    Last night I had a woman chew me out in front of my daughter for a totally ridiculous reason – my dog was standing (not peeing or shitting) on a patch of her weeds- I totally apologized, but the woman spoke inappropriately to me , and I sucked her shit up. Told her I was sorry over and over and over. She LOVED what I did. I played nice to my detriment.

    Why?

    Because the way I STILL act when I’m verbally abused, especially in public, is to be either sickly-sweet nice, or go fucking crazy and even get violent.

    I haven’t been able to practice a happy medium yet in the real world.

    I feel ashamed of myself for not defending myself, and for setting a poor example in front of my girl, and being a doormat to this woman.Just like I’ve done with my own mother.

    I spoke about it with my counselor this a.m. and Ina gave me suggestions on how to defend myself next time something like that happens. She had something like that happen there too, where she was walking on a cul-de-sac she wasn’t familiar with with her dog Luna, and some woman started screaming at her to get the fuck away.

    She advised me to say just a few words the way she did in her own situation, such as “HOLD IT” and “No one talks to me that way!” It sounds so simple. But I don’t know if I can do it.
    I would add “YOU FUCKING BITCH!” and maybe throw a rock at her $40,000 truck, that’s the problem. 😦 5150 here I come. Again.

    Like

  3. Andy Smart

    Hiya Claya > As per usual thanks for sharing your life here in cyber space. I am always taken aback when I read your posts as they are the most passionate I read on WP. Often I am lost for words such is the level of emotion that you convey though hitting ‘like’ seems a meager and crap thing to do. They deserve far more than just a crappy old like.
    I hope you’re eating now.

    Liked by 1 person

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