We’ve all done it
We all know it
We’ve all been there
We all hold something
maybe a bunch of somethings
head hanging
head shaking
OhMyGoding
WhatTheFucking
the Shame that is like an actual physical creature
the Shame that is like acid
burning you up inside
making you want to break glass windows
Shame that hurts
and
stupid
stupid
stupid
why why why
how?
HOW?
And it blows your mind that YOU were the person doing that
behaving that way
SAYING those things
embarrassed
and horrified
scared of yourself
of Bipolar
of the reality of what it can do
the extent to which it can take you from you
the way it can lead you blithely skipping into your own ruin
and that
is terrifying
Bipolar First Bipolar Together 
What you write here is so very true…The shame is real and if we even mention the bipolar, well, we’re trying to get out of taking responsibility.
Yet if someone had a massive brain tumor that caused them to behave erratically or even crash a car…That’d be different because a tumor is legit.
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Last night I had a woman chew me out in front of my daughter for a totally ridiculous reason – my dog was standing (not peeing or shitting) on a patch of her weeds- I totally apologized, but the woman spoke inappropriately to me , and I sucked her shit up. Told her I was sorry over and over and over. She LOVED what I did. I played nice to my detriment.
Why?
Because the way I STILL act when I’m verbally abused, especially in public, is to be either sickly-sweet nice, or go fucking crazy and even get violent.
I haven’t been able to practice a happy medium yet in the real world.
I feel ashamed of myself for not defending myself, and for setting a poor example in front of my girl, and being a doormat to this woman.Just like I’ve done with my own mother.
I spoke about it with my counselor this a.m. and Ina gave me suggestions on how to defend myself next time something like that happens. She had something like that happen there too, where she was walking on a cul-de-sac she wasn’t familiar with with her dog Luna, and some woman started screaming at her to get the fuck away.
She advised me to say just a few words the way she did in her own situation, such as “HOLD IT” and “No one talks to me that way!” It sounds so simple. But I don’t know if I can do it.
I would add “YOU FUCKING BITCH!” and maybe throw a rock at her $40,000 truck, that’s the problem. 😦 5150 here I come. Again.
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Hiya Claya > As per usual thanks for sharing your life here in cyber space. I am always taken aback when I read your posts as they are the most passionate I read on WP. Often I am lost for words such is the level of emotion that you convey though hitting ‘like’ seems a meager and crap thing to do. They deserve far more than just a crappy old like.
I hope you’re eating now.
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Thank you so much for saying this. It is nice to know that the emotional connection through words is sometimes made and means something to someone. Just thanks 🙂
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Hiya Claya > I’m normally lost for words when I see one of your posts. They kind of have just about everything a soul can possess in one post. Sometimes your page is up on my browser for days before I write anything. The other day I just clicked like and felt shite about it. Your posts are massive mate
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loss for words…sorry for just clicking the blah like button right now but no words right now…….
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I hear that > we should call it the BLB though it does sound more like a breakfast.
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